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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

326 replies

Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:20

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Okyep · 16/03/2018 13:10

@whoareyoukidding you didn't upset me at all. I wish I could bottle your strength!

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 13:11

You need to have a real heart to heart here.
Ask him.....does he love you? Ask him......does he need you? If he says of course, of course. Ask him - why?
You must tell him that his long absences make you feel neither loved or needed. That you need a bit more. Don't apologise, loads of women would feel like this.

TalkinBoutWhat · 16/03/2018 13:11

Start doing some really fun stuff with your DC. Make the most of the time you have with them alone. It could be going to a theme part, visiting a local attraction, going go-karting, trying out a dry ski-slope, seeing a movie with them (some cinemas have super cheap Saturday morning deals so if your DC don't have an activity in the morning that really works), going to a comedy night, the list is endless, and you will develop a real friendship with your DC which will stand you in good stead when they grow up and leave.

Your 'D'H on the other hand, can go suck on a lemon quite frankly. Tell him that you're no longer going to facilitate his sporting activities, and he can fend for himself on his night outs, and you will not wash his sports kit. If he has time to go out, he needs to make time to facilitate being able to go out. A bit bloody rich to not only leave you alone, but expect you to run around looking after him and enabling him to scarper off to his activities.

ohfortuna · 16/03/2018 13:15

Just at least promise us all that you won't be watching his kids again OP 🙂

ohfortuna · 16/03/2018 13:15

I mean washing his kit!
damn autocorrect😒

Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 13:16

..don't disagree but...it's very confrontational Talkin About......wouldn't you try the heart to heart first off?
Also, she has teens - I struggle to drag mine out for a dog walk or anything, they prefer to get stuck into tech after homework 😕

lostlemon · 16/03/2018 13:17

OP it's very sad that you think that you don't bring anything except cleaning and parenting to the family. This really does indicate you are very down, possibly a bit depressed.

Are you worried that if you push back against him that he will leave you? Are you frightened of this? Are you worried you won't cope on your own?

Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 13:19

Agree Oh Fortuna.....no more dirty kids or kit! No more washing or watching!! He can wash his own kids and watch his own kit! 😬

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/03/2018 13:19

Lookatme, while it's unlikely the op is ready to leave her DH it won't do any harm to tell him how she feels. Something along the lines of

'DH I love you but I don't actually like you very much at the moment. You're being a selfish asshole who doesn't care about me or the DCs and prefers to play sport to being around us. It's doing serious damage to our relationship. It's fixable at the moment but it might not be in the future. Do you actually care?'

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/03/2018 13:20

I realise I spelled arsehole wrongly Smile

Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 13:22

....make him wash his own grundies and sports kit. My DH is very thick skinned, but he'd find that very very depressing!!!!

Okyep · 16/03/2018 13:24

I won't be washing his kit(s). He'll be surprised, annoyed...

@IloveJudgeJudy good pick up on the mother in law. Yes she is an issue.

Possibly @lostlemon. There has been quite a bit going on in recent years that has kind of been buried due to busyness - no time to fall apart if you see what I mean.

@FizzyGreenWater I am rereading your posts. I don't want to be utterly miserable. You have hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
Okyep · 16/03/2018 13:27

@Bluesmartiesarebest I have said variations of the above over the years. For this he thinks I am needy and unreasonable. Unfortunately it doesn't get through to him and mostly pushes him further away...

Also spell arsehole/asshole however you like Smile.

OP posts:
Lookatmenow · 16/03/2018 13:29

bluesmartie spell it anyway you want to - still a true statement :)

And yes i agree with what you wrote, she needs to be able to put it into words that will work for his understanding

I spoke with my DH last year about him not being a good enough friend to me - it seemed to resonate with him - we'll see if i need to repeat once cricket season starts again (not long now!!)

CousinKrispy · 16/03/2018 13:31

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I think he is telling you an outright lie whenever he says you are being needy and unreasonable, and he's telling you that lie to justify his selfishness.

I'd love it if you felt able to tell him exactly that next time he says it, but I know that's easier said than done.

JustDanceAddict · 16/03/2018 13:32

I wouldn’t be happy with that. My dh plays sport one night a week. That is enough esp if you have children. We have teens too & they do need input. Does the sport take up the whole evening?

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 16/03/2018 13:34

Compromise might include non-hobby person developing their own hobby.

absolutely agree with your post, but I'd add that the hobby person should be present and pleasant when he's home. Also, chores to be split 50/50, that's not too much to ask.

ohfortuna · 16/03/2018 13:34

Are you going to announce that you are no longer washing the kits?
Or will you go passive aggressive and let him find out just as he needs it that it's all dirty and smelly and soggy?

starlightmeteorite · 16/03/2018 13:34

He's selfish. He isn't willing to compromise on what he wants to do to accommodate the fact he has a family. We could all do that. I'd spend every minute I wasn't working outside running or hiking if I could. Fact is I can't, I have a family to look after. Same applies to him. Why do you have to pick up all the boring stuff to facilitate his hobbies? Fact is you don't, so stop.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 16/03/2018 13:36

My dh plays sport one night a week. That is enough esp if you have children.

to be fair, no it's not enough. 3 times a week is much better - but that can include a jog first thing in the morning or at lunch time at work, it doesn't have to take over your life. it is really hard work to get up at 5am to exercise, especially when you have young kids.

Lethaldrizzle · 16/03/2018 13:38

The more independent, strong and less needy you are - the more attractive you will become to your dh, the only irony being that when you reach that place you won't need him any more.

ohfortuna · 16/03/2018 13:39

I agree that exercising three times a week is ideal but I get the impression that with this guy that the sport isn't really about health it's about being one of the lads....all going out drinking afterwards etc

Okyep · 16/03/2018 13:41

@ohfortuna I'm thinking passive aggressive and letting him find it. Too much?
The fact is, after being at work all day it takes effort for me to remember his schedule, kit and when it needs to be laundered. And why do I do this? I don't even get a thanks or a pat on the head...

OP posts:
Okyep · 16/03/2018 13:42

@Lethaldrizzle I know that you're right. I had hoped that by this age I wouldn't have to play such games and actually, I don't know whether I have the energy.

OP posts:
Inthedeepdarkwinter · 16/03/2018 13:43

The thing is, this isn't jog a couple of mornings a week. He's fixed it so he doesn't need to do housework, cook a meal when he gets in for the family, talk to his children, take the teens to any clubs/activities or wash his own dirty kit.

He's opted out of all the shit-work of cleaning, and the pleasure of being with his own children (as anyone knows, if you have teens, you often have to spend a lot of time with them, like being in the car, to get beyond grunting and 'nothing interesting' answers). And, presumably on the nights he deigns to come home, you are still washing his kit for the next night!

This is a complete abdication of being a father and husband, and I don't think similar to a quick workout on the way home. He doesn't even just do the sport, he stays longer drinking and socializing, which co-incidentally means that by 10 when he gets in, the entire evening's housework, stacking the dishwasher, cooking, cleaning, helping kids with homework, washing their kits, picking them up from clubs, has already happened. Clever, huh!

I wouldn't find this ok at all, and for the person who said no-one stands around drinking wine and chatting with their husband, I do- we don't really drink, but we chat most evenings, even for a short time, or watch a box-set, or show each other interesting things on the internet, or tell each other about our days. Not for hours, and not always intensely romantic, but the lack of connection here would do my head in, as would the expectation that you, also working, would be washing his kit!

Something has to give in this scenario.