DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

[Okyep]

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

sadly I am not sporty. I go to the gym to keep fit around the DC's schedule
Ok but can you find something that you feel really passionate and enthusiastic about that you want to spend a lot of time and energy on?
It has to be something which is about your enjoyment ....something that you do to indulge yourself, because that's what he's doing, hes indulging himself

HOTCROSS If he's active and you, for example, just want to flop on the sofa, I can see why he'd rather be out doing his hobbies.

but what if this is what OP wants - to spend time with her DH, to chat inanely about shit, to be "just there" - why should she have to be singing and dancing to his sport to get in to want to spend time with her?

He is a right cheeky funster Okyep. I do wash my blokes sweaty gear....however, I'm at home not in a job. The balance is somewhat different. Could you suggest quitting your job? Say you feel overwhelmed with all the kid/house stuff plus job and feel you barely have a minute for each other these days? Is your job a fag/hindrance or is it keeping you sane??

He's a good Dad but largely unaware of what is going on in their day to day lives unless I 'feed' it to him.

That is not a good dad. How much time does he actually spend with the dc?

When do you get time to yourself in his single-man lifestyle??

If your dc are teens they still need time with their dad, and guidance, and to know they're important to him, not second-best. He sounds monumentally selfish. I get he expects you to pick up the slack re housework, cooking etc as you're at home so much more than he is.

After my ex left me behind with teenagers I wanted to take my mind off things and started going out and doing stuff - actively looking for hobbies I hadn't done for years. As a result I now do more than I had for years, and I found my way back to the old me who went out and did new things. If I'd done that earlier then I would have had more to talk about with my ex after hours; it would probably have been more interesting for us both. I would have been more fulfilled and felt more independent.

Then when I started dating again, I was back in the world of looking in the papers/online to see what was going on in town that weekend. Again something I'd not done for years. I now look out for things that might interest my partner, so that we have something fun to do together. Again, I could have done that with my ex, but after years of not being able to do so without a babysitter, and not having the money for it, we'd completely dropped out of the habit. When he met his OW I'd only just started trying to get us to go out once a month like a PP.

My life is now a lot more varied and I'm sorry I didn't put more effort into that sort of thing before, or even think of the idea of going out more once the kids were old enough for us to do so.

You might not be in the same position as I was, but it is definitely worthwhile reassessing the situation every now and then and remembering that your partner is not just a husband and dad but also a romantic interest you could be going out and having fun with.

Oh, op, you do have strength. And there's a world of differnece between writing things on a post and the actual doing of them. I genuinely would do as I've described, but I'd feel conflict and doubt and guilt and sadness and so on as well, and I'd need constantly to remind myself I was in the right.
There have been three occasions in our marriage (interestingly enough, when I think of it, immediately after the draining newborn period each time) when my DH has decided, without any consultation at all, that he will be following an elaborate exercise programme that takes up a huge chunk of 4 evenings and one weekend day. He was always shocked and cross and of the opinion that I was the selfish and unreasonable one when I objected: the only thing that got him to see sense was doing what I described above. But of course real life is not as neat and simple as words on a screen, and whilst in the end things did work out, I'm not sure that's because he realised he was in the wrong, or whether he decided the plan he wanted to follow was not worth it in the face of my response!

How to change it?

One way - to make him eat his words.

'You're right, we have different expectations. I realise now that by facilitating your extra interests (washing kit, always being responsible for the DC), I've got to the point where I don't have the same level of outside engagement. You're right to say that I need to be less focused on us spending casual time together and just get out there myself! We need a rebalance. You need to take on x amount more of the everyday stuff so that I can get out there in the same way you do. And you need more time with the DC. There's no question about it - one of your sports has to go, because if I'm going to focus more away from the family and you, and be less 'needy' - I need more time to develop outside interests. Calendar - x night I will be out doing gym/class (make SURE it clashes with a sport, though that won't be hard) - YOU now have DC time on that night - you can take care of your kit at the same time...

@AuntLydia ouch. I wasn't deliberately ignoring the question. So he comes home, showers and then goes straight to his sport on a week night. He is home by 10pm. Sport 2 and 3 finish earlier and then they go for drinks.

I'm not sure about weekends for Sports 3 yet. I think it will be most of the day and there will be socialising/drinks afterwards.

@Fizzygreen is right he thinks that he can check out of family life now secure in the knowledge that you will continue to invest your time and energy in your children and then you will 'shoehorn him back in' later

It doesn't occur to him that he may be totally overplaying his hand, that you don't need him as much as he thinks you need him

but what if this is what OP wants - to spend time with her DH, to chat inanely about shit, to be "just there" - why should she have to be singing and dancing to his sport to get in to want to spend time with her?

she shouldn't. But some people just can't sit still and don't want to sit down all evening. Things like the cinema cost money and they're hardly a place to go for riveting conversation.

I love flopping on the sofa in the evening and doing very little - DP is very active and is often cycling or tinkering with various things in the shed. It doesn't bother me but then we do spend decent time together as well.

Something has to change here - he clearly likes his hobbies and possibly needs to reign it in a bit, but if the alternative is sitting and doing very little, maybe that alternative needs to be a bit more...I don't know, exciting?

OP do you ever plan dinner/drinks with him? He obviously enjoys that kind of thing so why not book a meal one weekend and go out?

So he does the sport and then goes out drinking afterwards
kinda negates the health benefits of the sport doesn't it?

You'd tell him that you're going out and don't know when you'll be back. Make sure that it's during a meal time so that he has to cook his own dinner too.

If you can book a weekend break on your own, even better. How about a trip to somewhere cultural that you know he'd hate? Or visit one of the friends that live a long way away?

Differently to him, I realise the DC are close to moving out, so I want to be there for them and spend time with them.

Exactly.

So do you want to rejig everything so you're out more evenings a week, to actually see less of your children, in order to make what is possibly going to be a wasted point? To try and fire things back up with a man who may well really not be worth it?

They will grow up and go and it will just be you and him. Yes, security, finances, blah. But maybe now is the time to ask yourself honestly whether you actually see yourself still with him in 15 years. Because if the answer is no, depending on the practicalities, you might want to approach this differently right now.

It's certainly no use holding on until he's 'ready' to spend time with you (trans: too old for bloody cycling 80 miles a day) if you get there and realise you dislike the using, boring prick.

I don't know why me pointing that out would be ouchy! It wasn't exactly an insult. It's very relevant though and I'm glad you answered. Popping out for a run for an hour then home by 7.30/8 is one thing. What you describe is a crazy amount of time to absent yourself from your family, and it's unnecessary if he's drinking after. Wanting to do sport or have a hobby is a good, productive thing, what he's doing is just avoiding family life entirely. I have no idea what to advise but it's no kind of marriage is it? I feel for you. Would he be up for marriage counselling? He can't be happy himself if he never wants to be at home.

So basically you both work full time but you work full full time ie. do everything around the house and the children whilst he does what he likes. You've told/asked him to spend more time with you and the family but he doesn't sound interested - why would he when he has a cosy home life, everything clean, laundered and children looked after.

IMO you need to start focusing on yourself and the children. This is your start point. It sounds as though your children are older so don't need you there all the time and possibly have busy lives themselves. Think about it OP - what's going to happen when they leave home? Your DH will carry on doing all his sport and probably more and you will be left there on your own. I do think that if you shift your approach to putting yourself and your children first things will change - he'll either realise that he needs to step up or you will both realise that your relationship is in trouble.

Perhaps you could look at your week and plan it with your children. Prioritise your hobbies, make a concious effort to take up something outside the house like yoga/pilates etc. Don't feel guilty about sitting down and reading if that's what you want to do. Just because he does a sport outside the house this isn't more important than your interests. I would also stop doing your DH's washing but I wouldn't be passive aggressive and just stop it, I would tell him that he is hurting your by his attitude towards you and the children and that you feel the relationship is very unequal.

Have you pointed out that him being away so much gives you all the time you need to hang out with husbands 2 & 3 as well?

He's now not talking to me and is in another room as I complained/objected when he wouldn't let us attend Sport 3 until he "gets better at it".

Just picking up on this. Is Sport 3 something you could all do, but he wont let you?

Its not about being joined at the hip and not being able to enjoy separate interests but you do need to spend time with a partner to maintain the relationship, the longer this goes on the more chance of completely drifting apart. Its the whole premise of being in a relationship, wanting to be with with someone.

What about your sex life? Does that get a look in?

@TInkobell my job keeps me sane. Massively. I have worked really hard for years and if I gave it up I'd really be at a loss.

It looks to me as if his sports are to do with male bonding and enhancing his sense of masculine self-esteem
The fact that you are at home obediently washing his kit and doing all the self-sacrificing caring for others work serves to bolster his alpha male status

Hey Tarzan you Jane

HE Tarzan!

so would I tell him I'm reading a book in a cafe? Or just say I'm going 'out'?

See bits like this just make it all seem so nuts! Revolving revolving revolving around HIM. Making him notice. How can I change it.

All predicated on the assumption that the goal is bringing him in, that if that could happen it would all be great... but that ignores the reality - which is that this particular person sounds selfish, not interested in his children or his wife, and isn't a team player who doesn't pull his weight.

So let's roll it back a few steps. Do you actually want or need him there?If you take it as read that at heart he doesn't want to be there? Oh he wouldn't want a divorce, oh no. He wants the creature comforts. But not to give anything back.

Do you need him?

He's cock of the walk at the moment. Thinks when he strolls back in at ten after ZERO time with you, his children, making his contribution - that what he's looking at is allll his. Rest assured.

It's not.

You could walk away at any moment and what you would take with you - because you are it and it is you - is the family, the heart.

Your kids probably don't even think of him as one of their primary carers. It's probably too late to change that.

I wonder what his response would be if you calmly said you were out. That you expect to divorce within the next five years so are working towards that, re jobs/finances. Hopefully he'll be ok with cooking and washing for himself after his practices and drinks, yes? And every other weekend he'd be gettign to know his kids again, in the short window he has before they really do leave home and he realises he doesn't bloody know them from Adam.

He would shit himself.

Wow so he’s not even doing the hobby the whole time then! FFS. Yes you need to get out there. Even if it is just sitting in a cafe with a book for now.