Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

326 replies

Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:20

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 18/03/2018 09:09

You have just inspired me to look up the date for my local walking group 😀 thanks.

I also remembered that I started making noises to the family about going to a once a month cinema club - which clashed with a sport dh plays 2 or 3 times a week, and dc needed lifts that night. Although DH initially said yes to missing his sport occasionally, it soon became him looking at the film programme and talking about the ones he would like to come with me to! It took a while for it to sink in with him that this was actually primarily about me, even though I would technically love to go together too. I have only been to a handful, as I keep deprioritising myself 😐. Rooting for you OP.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 18/03/2018 09:23

He doesn't sound like a catch Sad

It sounds as though you're a really caring mum and wife. You've done fantastically, please now prioritise yourself.

What other things might you be interested in? Doesn't necessarily have to be stuff out the house. I've just started embroidery, I'm a complete novice but really enjoying it. There are some pretty kits on hobbycraft. If you like crafty stuff, are there any classes nearby?

Do you like reading? There are some great book threads on here.

Is there a theatre near to you?

And definitely yes to going away soon! Either with a friend or by yourself. Honestly, the more of these things you do, the more you'll want to do, and the happier you'll be, I expect Thanks

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 18/03/2018 09:28

Thanks OP for posting this - I suspect it will resonate with many lurkers and posters.

It sounds like you have a good plan there.

Perhaps he will wake up to himself and contribute, perhaps not. Hopefully the former whilst things are salvageable . Pay attention to how he responds to your moves.

DH and I have different challenges - but him not listening to my pleas for change and just carrying on waiting for them to blow over pisses me off no end. I hope you can find a different path

TatianaLarina · 18/03/2018 09:29

You’re doing well OP.

I know you’re taking one step at a time, but re the kit I think you are going to have to put your big girl pants on and engage with this upfront. You will end up having a discussion about kit washing when he next needs it so I think you need to prepare yourself.

I think it would be more mature to give him the heads up that it won’t be done any more rather than leaving him to find out. It will seem to him a bit random and irrational.

I think you need to prepare yourself for the conversation in which you tell him that you’ve been doing a lot of thinking, that your lives are unequal and unfair and that, as you both work FT, the chores must be divided up equally from now on, so you have more time to pursue your own life as he does.

He needs to understand kit washing as part of that whole. That he is very dependent on you and he needs to be more independent and do stuff for himself (ironically) and the kids.

TatianaLarina · 18/03/2018 09:30

Tell him that you haven't got time to look after a third child rather than focus on the 'needing him' aspect. This has more to do with a lack of respect than you needing him to be present.

Agreed.

Juancornetto · 18/03/2018 09:58

I think the very definition of neediness is needing someone else to wash your sports kit for you. You're perfectly within your rights to throw that insult back at him if he takes umbrage at his laundry service no longer being available

TatianaLarina · 18/03/2018 10:03

Absolutely.

timeisnotaline · 18/03/2018 10:11

Good progress op, wishing you the self esteem and strength to build on this for a better, happier more fulfilled life with people who love and appreciate you :)

YouTheCat · 18/03/2018 10:17

Are there any evening classes you might be interested in, OP?

ohfortuna · 18/03/2018 10:34

He sides against me with everyone
I think that's why you feel he's popular and you're not, he is actively working against you, he's not on your team he's the opposition..... the leader of the opposition😒

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 18/03/2018 10:45

Mmmm you know what - I think this might be a room of your own sort of thing - he has time to be popular and interesting because his life is being facilitated. He gets to be a good cook once a week because he is not doing 50 ways with mince and the drudge of the other 6 nights.

Of course you don’t have the energy to do the pick me dance (over sport than an OW)

Not the same but my DH crows about not being on social media - that’s because he doesn’t need to because dickhead here checks in his vulnerable mate, calls people round for a bbq, knows when our friends 40ths are etc.

Glad you have rumbled him!

Cambionome · 18/03/2018 12:25

God - leader of the opposition... that really has a horrible ring of truth to it, doesn't it? Sad

The problem with you thinking that he is a catch and you are not, is that it's left you slightly on the back foot and struggling to hold your ground throughout the whole marriage. Try to stop yourself from thinking like this. Flowers

Jux · 18/03/2018 12:42

I bet there are people amongst your acquaintance who know damn well that you are doing all the work. They probably think you're happy with that, though. I can just hear some of the women married to his sports buddies saying "in your dreams mate" when told that X's wife does all his kit washing etc.

AgathaF · 18/03/2018 12:50

A lovely positive update there Okyep. I'm so pleased you're going on the walks. Please do go, even if it means that the kids have to miss out on something. You need and deserve down time too.

Hopefully you'll be able to find something else to do too. What about going for a swim on one of the evenings he is home? Or even just taking yourself off for a massage or to the cinema.

Zaphodsotherhead · 18/03/2018 12:55

Fantastic, OP, you are really getting a handle on this now.

Just, as per my previous post, warn the kids in advance if you're going away. Doesn't sound as though their dad will facilitate their activities in any way at all, and, having been there, I know how upsetting it can be for kids to have to miss a long-planned activity because there's nobody to take them/pick them up.

Original poster
Okyep · 18/03/2018 12:57

That sounds freeing @comingintomyown! I hope you are in a very happy place now. It sounds like you are.

Thank you @Sosog00d. I love the phrase ‘atta girl’ and am repeating it to myself like a mantra as I try to make changes.

OP posts:
HeedMove · 18/03/2018 13:03

Nope fuck that that's ridulously selfish. My teenager needs more running around after than the younger two. Constant runs from one place to another. Id see literally no point being married to someone I got to spend no time with and made no contribution to family life.

epiphanytime · 18/03/2018 13:14

He is leading his life however he feels like and everyone else has to fit in around him...screw that!! Go and do your own thing, enjoy your life and if he kicks up a fuss tell him where to go...because you sound bloody awesome! You are the catch, not him...selfish bugger..

BusyBeez99 · 18/03/2018 13:39

Areyougoingrohndthetwist

Back at you
I did RTFT

Try to articulate yourself without swearing

ravenmum · 18/03/2018 15:47

did everyone miss the part that sport 1 is only done coz he feel obliged to help the leader out no the weekend?
its like he'll do anything to please everyone else except his wife
This was my ex too. Massively eager to please everyone else. I'd bet this is another reason your husband is so popular with everyone else, Okyep.

Hope you do get your mojo back soon! Walking is great; tried that myself. If you like reading, how about a book club? :)

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 18/03/2018 16:00

I think somewhere along the line, you believed his hype. That he's the more popular, more sociable one and that's the best way to be. Actually, what life needs is a mix, a mix of listeners and talkers, and joiners in and people who like to applaud from the sidelines. You sound a very involved parent, which is probably the most important thing I would be thinking about, if valuing people.

Walking group sounds great! I bet this thread has got you thinking. I think thinking about what you would say, if you have a daughter, in this position (or a son for that matter)- would you say to them they are less valuable and interesting as they are not extremely extrovert?

Good luck with your thinking and your walking!

Cambionome · 18/03/2018 16:29

I was going to suggest a book club too. I joined one a couple of years ago, and it's great for someone (like me) who's not incredibly extrovert as you always have something to talk about, iyswim. We also do other stuff like cinema/theatre visits, occasional parties etc but there is no obligation to join in everything. I've also read some fantastic books that I probably wouldn't have come across otherwise!

CousinKrispy · 19/03/2018 09:06

well done OP. These sound like really valuable steps.

Don't be too hard on yourself if you feel like you're treading water or backsliding at some point. Getting through this kind of awakening takes time and practice and it's not always smooth progress. You will get to where you need to be and your life will be so much better for it.

Hellsbellscockleshells · 19/03/2018 12:59

How’s things in the house now OP did you let DH know that he would now be doing his own laundry and about your walking group?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 19/03/2018 18:15

Forget making him wash his kit - he can do all his own laundry, and iron it! My DH does, being a grown man and all. And the teenagers can start learning to do theirs too.