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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropped in the s***

279 replies

Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 13:40

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 05/02/2018 13:41

Surely a month is enough time to find a childminder?

UpstartCrow · 05/02/2018 13:42

Not where I live it isnt.
Yanbu OP.

DancesWithOtters · 05/02/2018 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CappuccinoCake · 05/02/2018 13:43

It's a pain but better to be looking now than a few months in and she changed her mind.

Get on the phone to places - you sbpu ld be able to fi nd somewhere but will want to be looking at settling in sessions.

pumpersnatch · 05/02/2018 13:43

What is happening with your DS the 3 days a week ?
Can you extend that childcare ?

To be honest she isn't obliged and although annoying you always have to factor in robust childcare plans with kids.

Champagneandthestars · 05/02/2018 13:44

HA! trinity poor you OP, that's really shit of her. It's a year notice round here for a decent childminder/nursery. Mondays and Fridays can be less in demand though if you are able to work that. Flowers sorry you're in this situation.

WitchesHatRim · 05/02/2018 13:44

Maybe find out why she has changed her mind. Being livid isn't going to change anything.

Glumglowworm · 05/02/2018 13:45

Yanbu

You’ve taken her offer into account when planning this baby, which since she consistently made it is not unreasonable. If she’d have told you upfront that she couldn’t or didn’t want to help then you would’ve planned differently for that.

Yes, she doesn’t have to help BUT having consistently said she would and then changing her mind therefore leaving you in the shit is a really crappy thing to do to you.

Has she said why? Is it something she couldn’t have anticipated (sudden long term illness or partner suddenly needing care for example?) I’m guessing not or you’d have mentioned it Sad

NoodlesLivesHere · 05/02/2018 13:45

YANBU my sister did this to me with my eldest...except it was a fairly established routine. One week she text me the night before and told me she didn't want to be tied to childcare once a week and that was it.

Cue frantic scrabbling for last minute childcare. Thank goodness for good friends stepping into until I could sort something more reliable.

I was livid, not because I expected her to help. That was her choice and her offer all along. But because she left me no notice and really dumped me in the proverbial right up to my neck.

Oddly she took offence when I refused her offer with my second Hmm

WTFIsThisVirus · 05/02/2018 13:46

Similar thing happened to me, except it was that my FIL passed. So we were grieving and had 3 weeks to find childcare. It was possible, though, but it depends on the area.

Can she not do it until you find an alternative? Or can you manage a phased return to work? Can the current providers add more days?

MeeMeeMoo · 05/02/2018 13:47

I don’t think you Abu. Yes she doesn’t have to do it but I think whether something is a favour or not you still need to give someone notice if they are relying on it! If she had doubts at Christmas she should have spoken up then! And yes a month isn’t enough notice where I am either.

It’s done now though, just focus on what options there are.

gamerwidow · 05/02/2018 13:47

That is shit, obviously she’s not obliged to help you but talk about leaving it until the last minute to tell you.

LeekSoup · 05/02/2018 13:49

Yanbu.

timeisnotaline · 05/02/2018 13:49

😁’she isn’t obliged’ - of course she’s bloody not but maybe she should have thought harder about offering?! If my Mum said she’d lend me a car to go on a weekend away and changed her mind the morning of, I’d be pissed. She was never obliged to lend her car but she would absolutely be dropping me in the shit. I’d have a big row with my Mum in this situation and it would take a long time to blow over. You’d be screwed in my area with a months notice, my back to work plans were staggered around childcare as I only booked 6m in advance so couldn’t get what I needed for my original back to work plan.

Katyb1310 · 05/02/2018 13:51

That's so unfair OP. YANBU to feel totally let down. I don't have any suggestions but wanted to sympathise Flowers

pumpersnatch · 05/02/2018 13:52

Ok calm down timeisnotaline it hasnt happened to you..

OP where is your DS going the other 3 days for childcare when you go back to work ? Is this an option ? ( again )

Fattymcfaterson · 05/02/2018 13:53

I totally feel your pain OP. YANBU
My mother said exactly the same. Even had my DS for a whole week before telling me that she could no longer help.
I had to quit my job as I couldn't get childcare at such a short notice.
Now they're older she's always telling me how she could pick them up from school a couple times a week. Fuck off! Could never trust her again

HashtagTired · 05/02/2018 13:54

Yeah, that's bad form.
But as a parent without any family help I find it hard to really sympathise.
I wouldn't have relied on them in the first place.

Downhillatfifty · 05/02/2018 13:55

This is a bit shit, but it would have been way worse if she had "given it a try" for a couple of weeks then told you it wasn't working out.
She would have been unlikely to give you a months notice to find alternative care.

loopylobespat · 05/02/2018 13:56

My mum did exactly this to me too OP,

It was a horrible time! It added so much stress to going back to work.

No of course she isn’t obligated to help but a bit more notice is, of course needed!

In the end my partners mum helped more and I had to cut down my hours more at work than planned as I didn’t want to leave my daughter in a nursery as I thought she was to young at the time.
Childminders in my area are few and far between and need lots of notice!

I don’t have much advice to give because everyone’s circumstances and wishes are different when it comes to childcare.
Good luck with a resolve Flowers

whiskyowl · 05/02/2018 14:00

Unless something has changed in her circumstances that now makes this a problem (illness, for instance) YANBU to feel let down and cross about that. Of course, no-one is "obliged" to help out, but if you let someone know you'll do something, then fail to do it, you are letting that person down..

BishBoshBashBop · 05/02/2018 14:00

@timeisnotaline way OTT Hmm

EfficiencyDeficiency · 05/02/2018 14:00

Has your mum given you a reason op?

Yanbu in my opinion

Ickyockycocky · 05/02/2018 14:00

It's a bit last minute of her but she's definitely not obliged to provide childcare. Perhaps she really wanted to but as the reality of what she was offering hit her, she realised it would be too much.

It's a shame she didn't think it through sooner but it is what it is. There's really no point if falling out with her about it. She may well be happy to do some baby sitting in the future for you, so best not turn this into a full-scale fall out.

SockUnicorn · 05/02/2018 14:01

@Lollipop306 My mum does this. promises things and then informs me shes doing something else / cant do it. and if you go "hang on you said you would" its YOU being demanding and not letting them have lives. My mums a dick. I would just not take ANY help from her in future.

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