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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropped in the s***

279 replies

Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 13:40

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

OP posts:
WitchesHatRim · 05/02/2018 16:40

I still think there's more as to why she won't help.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2018 16:40

QueenNef Flowers. I hope you get back to your old life one day or make your new one feel like your own.

stickytoffeevodka · 05/02/2018 16:43

No, I would be pissed off too OP.

She's allowed to change her mind but giving you one months notice is really shitty - does she realise quite how difficult it can be to organise permanent childcare at such short notice?

AcrossthePond55 · 05/02/2018 16:47

Do you think she'd be willing to at least do it on a temp basis for, say, 3 months if you haven't found anything suitable by the time you return to work?

I think her waiting to tell you was wrong. I don't think it has anything to do with not knowing the exact days. I think she probably realized how tied down she'd be and decided she didn't want to do it after all, which is her prerogative. But she should have said 'I'm having second thoughts' as soon as she realized that.

Coyoacan · 05/02/2018 16:49

I nearly always take the side of grandparents in these things, but what your mother has done is just not on.

Hope you find good childcare, OP,

Blackteadrinker77 · 05/02/2018 16:55

My pet hate is people going back on promises so I would be very annoyed at this.

I don't get why she needed to know which two days. What difference does it make?

Ickyockycocky · 05/02/2018 16:58

I don't get why she needed to know which two days. What difference does it make?

That just sums up what people think about grandparents doing childcare.

With grandparents being old and retired they don't have any sort of life, so should be available to care for your children anytime you need them.

WitchesHatRim · 05/02/2018 17:19

I don't get why she needed to know which two days. What difference does it make?

Because she has a life I guess. How dare pensioners hey. Hmm

HeebieJeebies456 · 05/02/2018 17:29

The difference being, u could've looked DURING my pregnancy to have something suitable in place

So what was Plan B - you know, in case the grandparents fell ill or a house dropped on them and you were left without childcare?
At the very least you should have sourced a list of childminders/nurseries for any last minute hiccups instead of just assuming

Snacktimonious · 05/02/2018 17:45

I don't get why she needed to know which two days. What difference does it make?

It would make a lot of difference to me. I'm retired but there are certain days when I do other things. Other things that I've looked forward to being free to do. And now I am, I'd be unwilling to give them up. I've done over 20 years of childcare and now I want a change while I can still manage to touch my toes, and get my legs behind my neck (I wish)

Do we oldies just have to sit at home waiting to be called upon?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 17:45

Maybe if knowing the two particular days was so important, the time to have mentioned it is when she was making all her promises. OP csn't be expected to know what is important to her mum, if her mum doesn't actually tell her at the start.

jkl0311 · 05/02/2018 20:24

The only positive coming out of this is rather Mum be honest now than take your little sponge of a toddler that needs many experiences and happy times and begrudgingly have them part time not enjoy it and plonk them in front of a tv, nursery is not cheap but the right one is worth every penny, reliable and the things they get to play with etc! You can get help to pay for the costs and the child will get more from that than half arsed grandparents, sometimes free childcare is the most expensive childcare out of them all Smile

HashtagTired · 05/02/2018 20:38

She probably realised at Christmas the reality of looking after 'darling' grandchildren all day and was trying to muster the courage to tell you...because of how you may react 

She may not realise how tricky getting childcare can be.

As pp have said, what was your plan B? To rely on family for 100% of your 3 day a week childcare every single week seems a bit much.

Plan of attack - forget your Mum. Ignore her for a while.
Really @CoffeeOrSleep?? That's a bit OTT, isn't it??! Good grief!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 20:40

It's not OTT at all. Her mum really has dropped her in the shit.

HashtagTired · 05/02/2018 20:47

And do you think her mum has done that deliberately? Do you think she thought 'I will wait until the month before to tell her so I can be as awkward as possible'!?

If my small let me down like this, yes I'd be pissed off, yes I'd be angry at the short notice but I know she'd have her reasons and I wouldn't take it out on her.

HashtagTired · 05/02/2018 20:48

Dm, not small*

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/02/2018 20:52

Yes Hashtag - ignore the Mum for a bit, get on with sorting out the problem. Did you read my whole post? It was basically saying don't focus on your Mum, why she's done this, does she realise how hard it is to get childcare at short notice etc. Ignore the 'Mum' problem and focus on the 'childcare' problem.

There's also a lot to be said for not talking to someone while you are still angry at them. Ignoring a family member is better than engaging if engaging is going to lead to a row that won't fix anything and just cause another problem.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 20:56

Barring illness, yes, her mum has done this on purpose. She repeatedly offered, then bailed. She wasn't even going to say anything now, if OP hadn't brought it up.

It's really not okay to make commitments and bail.

NotReadyToMove · 05/02/2018 21:06

To have been in that position (but for very different reasons), finding childcare can be extremely hard depending of where you are.
Finding a CM where I am with 3 weeks notice would be very hard, wo talking about the fact that they would want a settling period etc...

The reason for the mum of saying NO is ‘I would want to know the days’.
Well that’s a reasonable request but only if you actually voice it.
Which then takes you to only two possibilities.

  • the OP has put a lot of pressure of her mum who didn’t know how to say NO (that’s not the feeling I get reading the OP)
  • the mum is looking at said child, has dropped her rose tinted glasses but has no spine so didn’t say a word.
There is the possibility this was on done on purpose but again if their relationhsip is otherwise good, there is no reason really.
PoohBearsHole · 05/02/2018 21:08

MIL did this to me, she phoned as I was walking into my back to work meeting. Couldn't be tied down etc etc, I struggled to find childcare and had been looking or months and months "just in case" and not to bother her with no luck what so ever.

Of course, the being tied down to childcaredid not apply to SIL dc and still doesn't a decade later.......

No I am not bitter. Disclaimer - this is the same person who insisted that all dc should be looked after by family members, paying for cc was ridiculous blah blah blah. obviously this only applies to SIL who has no idea how much cc cost which REALLY irks me as MIL is always saying how lucky we are financially 😂😂😂😂😂 in comparison- offsbject sorry.

YANBU i'd be mighty pissed off at the late notice.

StrangeLookingParasite · 05/02/2018 21:11

The thing is, grandparents do have lives and their adult children need to appreciate that fact. Grandparents have done their child rearing. You have children, you look after them.

Wow, you're a champion at missing the point on this thread. Over and over. You have your barrow to push about grandparents not being obligated to do childcare, and you're going to push it, even though it's irrelevant to the thread.

The actual point is making a committment to something, then reneging on short notice.

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/02/2018 21:34

It doesn't matter what it is, you don't let people make plans around your promises when you know you won't be meeting those promises.

If you will be letting someone down about anything, you give them as much notice as possible so they have the best chance of making new arrangements.

abilockhart · 05/02/2018 23:18

Bad timing.

Maybe your mum has just realised she is not able for it? She does seem to find your DS tough going: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3157253-needy-baby

HashtagTired · 06/02/2018 01:01

I don't disagree that it's poor form the mother left it as late as she did, but I struggle to believe that was a malicious act on her part. But I'm basing that on my relationship with my own mother, whereby she would only do that if it was absolutely necessary.

I also would never rely on family that way for childcare. I am in the process of arranging childcare for when I rtw after mat leave for both children (school age and nursery). I have a number of offers from friends with similar age children to dd1 to help with after school, but have politely declined in favour of paid childcare. I will take them up on their offer occasionally and when needed, but I would never ask anyone to commit to a regular and long term arrangement as a freebie, even if it was just for an hour. I'd keep family and friends as a back up, but not the key arrangement itself.

I hope that the OP gets something sorted. I know how stressful it is sorting it out. But I'd see this as a silver lining tbh. Once the new arrangements are in place, I believe the OP will be in a better place for it.

HashtagTired · 06/02/2018 01:03

And @abilockhart makes a really good point. It's hard to commit when you don't know the personality of the child, especially being a "needy baby", as the OP put it. That changes everything.

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