Dropped in the s***

[Lollipop306]

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

But there's not a lot the mother can do about it if she's pulling out due to ill health is there.

SITU

Agree she's not obliged but why leave it til now to drop the news?

She shouldn't have offered in the first place.

1 month is nowhere near enough time for nursery or childminder placer here OP. I hope where you are is better.

To a certain extent this happened to me; one factor in our decision to move closer to my family was DM talking about how she would look after baby DS2 rather than him go to nursery like DS1 had - then when we moved she claimed never to have said any such thing and seemed taken aback at the notion. I would have thought I had gone mad but thankfully DH remembers her saying it (often) too.

Of course she wasn't obligated, and neither is OP's mum, but when you make decisions based on what someone has offered to do and then they pull out, it is annoying. Especially when you didn't ask them to in the first place!

And if she's pulling out because she just doesn't fancy it, would you still expect her to do it?

GreatDuck no there isn't but whatever the reason it does leave the op in a bind. Also the op states that her dm was thinking about this at Christmas, if she had told her then it would have allowed extra time for finding alternative childcare. I agree that grandparents are in no way obliged to provide childcare but the op is allowed to feel let down with the notice given.

LakieLady
That’s awful. Your poor friend.

When I was younger, my mother used to promise things to me. Then move the goal posts, I’d then meet her next criteria and she’d pretend the conversation never happened.

What I have learnt is never to beholden to her. Interestingly, she’s been a lot better since I didn’t need her.

Sorry you’re going through this. I do hope you find someone to help out.

@Lakie

My M did something very similar to me when I was in the midst of postnatal depression. Suggested I leave my partner (who wasn't being v supportive) and return to my home city 300 miles away. Promised to help in any way she could. Told us we could live with her. Told me she'd have DS a few days a week so I could go back to work.

I was in such a mess psychologically, I agreed it was for the best and separated from DP.

I was at DMs for 3 months before she asked us to find our own place. She had DS (paid!!!!) for one day a week for a couple of months before that too was too much.

I now work full time, DS in nursery 4 days and I struggle week on week with childcare for the 5th. No friends or other family nearby that help or I'm close to. Miss London, miss my friends, miss my ex.... it's horrific.

I wouldn't have come back here if I'd known the help offered was so precarious- I'd have reached out to my friends in London, who I was hiding my PNA/PND from, and worked on my relationship.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I'll never trust my mother again though.

Did she give a reason op?

The reason is irrelevant Bluntness. Grandma doesn't want to do it, end of. In an ideal world she would have given the OP plenty of notice but perhaps she's only just realised she doesn't want to do it, for whatever reason.

You don't know that there isn't a genuine reason icky. There might be, there might not.

I agree that's tough OP. YANBU to be annoyed. Mind you, it's pretty common in my experience, so I'd advise anyone in this position to keep checking and double checking with grandparents all through the mat leave to make sure they're sure about what they're committing to.

It would be kind of her to offer to fill in until you have alternative childcare sorted. Could you broach this with her?

God, QueenNefertitty, that epically really totally sucks.

You don't know that there isn't a genuine reason icky. There might be, there might not

The fact that grandma no longer wants to do childcare is a genuine reason, surely.

I can see that this is a huge spanner in the works OP and one that you hadn't planned for at all. It's done now though, your mum can't do the childcare. Do you know why? It sounds like you have a good enough relationship with each other, I mean - she offered/you asked and it was arranged. That's what close relationships are.

So what's happened?

Are you not going to be able to afford childcare without your mum helping you? If so, that's a very precarious position to be in because as pp has already said, 'what if the worst happened' and your mum was no longer around. You've got to have a Plan B.

What are your childcare options locally? Is there a crèche at work by any chance?

The reason isn't irrelevant, though, it it?

"I promised but I changed my mind" is totally diffferent to "I found out I have cancer and I don't think I can do this any more".

In both cases, the grandmother has the right not to do the childcare - no-one is advocating unwilling slavery here! - but the moral status of each is very different, to the point that it might actually change the whole future of the relationship. I think most people would struggle with someone letting them down as badly as QueenNefertitty's mother let her down.

Queen that is actually a horrendous betrayal of your wellbeing by somebody who really should have had your back and would have been kinder to shut up at the start.

I'm really sorry to read your post and I hope that the situation will change so that you can move closer to where you lived if that's what you still want.

The reason isn't irrelevant, though, it it?

In terms of whether Grandma is going to do the childcare, yes the reason is irrelevant.

Whatever the reason, she's changed her mind and that's the crucial fact.

Yes, more notice would have been better but it is what it is.

At the end of the day nobody has to look after their grandchildren. She's changed her mind for whatever reason. Yes the timing isn't great but it's not insurmountable.

@Cordelia and @whisky

It's been a journey. I have a v good therapist who I Skype once a week, and is helping me come to terms- I've so far managed to avoid letting rip at my mother.

The very very funny thing is, she asked me last week if I was lonely back home.... and then said "I know you, you bugger, you'll move back to London won't you?"

As soon as I've got to grips with my new industry/ role and made some contacts, she's right I'm off.

But what she doesn't know is that I'm planning to emigrate.

I've realised that i am more than capable on my own- and there's nothing keeping DS and I here, other than his father- who also fancies a change of scene no plans to reconcile, but we're great friends now (better than we were as a couple), so figure we might as well coparent together somewhere sunny and warm as here, 300 miles apart.

Talk of moral status is ridiculous. How on earth can you judge someone else's reason for changing their mind?

I wonder if that generation understand how difficult it is to find childcare. She may think a month is plenty of notice, having no idea what modern parenting is like.

Really bad form on her part, I would struggle to be gracious about it.

Ahh op what a nightmare :-( That sounds incredibly stressful. I would hope though that two days childcare mightn't be so hard to find though I appreciate it doesn't leave much opportunity for settling in periods. Is there anyway she can even do it for a few weeks if needed just until you get sorted? Going back to work is so stressful without adding in the crap of last minute childcare issues. You should have accrued loads of annual leave, can you even use this to extend your leave if needed, or can DH take some days off to cover?

Try and not let it ruin your relationship with your mother. I am sure she has her reasons for the change of heart. Perhaps she was worried it would come between you? I was very worried about this when I agreed to help a family member with childcare as she has a very set way of doing things, I said from the start that it would be a trial and that I wold see how it goes. I am glad that your mum spoke up though and didn't do it out of obligation as this could well have had a detrimental impact on your relationship and also on your poor ds stuck in the middle of it.

I wonder if that generation understand how difficult it is to find childcare

It's not their responsibility though is it? They've done their wack at bringing up children.

Depending on the reason you are not being unreasonable.

On a more practical level, are you available to afford childcare fees?

Look into whether you can claim anything towards childcare through your employer (eg vouchers paid for before tax is deducted)

If you do not know where to find childcare try having a look on your council website. Ours gives a link to a list of approved childcare providers. Would there be anyone in work that could give advise on their childcare providers.

YANBU - 1 months notice is shit.

My mum did similar to me, with 4 days notice! Luckily the childcare we had the other days was able to step up, bit that isn't always the case. Since then, I just never rely on non-professional childcare. It's rubbish.