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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropped in the s***

279 replies

Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 13:40

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

OP posts:
Curtainshopping · 05/02/2018 14:56

*I wonder if that generation understand how difficult it is to find childcare

It's not their responsibility though is it? They've done their wack at bringing up children.*

I meant in relation to the short notice.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 05/02/2018 14:58

I’d be really pissed off too. We had family childcare for a while but to be honest wish we had gone with nursery from the start as now everywhere is full and the family have become a bit unreliable! Maybe a blessing in disguise.

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/02/2018 15:01

I'd write it off but I'd write her off forever as being reliable. It's totally unreasonable.

You'll just have to refuse all future offers of help incase she bales again.

Sympathy, I have extended family like this. They like making the grand gesture about "girlie shopping trips" & putting money aside for youngsters but it's all talk I hate girlie shopping trips so was relieved.

NerrSnerr · 05/02/2018 15:03

What a nightmare. If you couldn’t arrange childcare in time would she agree to doing it short term until a place comes up?

WitchesHatRim · 05/02/2018 15:03

OP seems to have not come back.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 15:06

I don't agree that she's not obliged. She made a commitment, repeatedly and allowed the OP to make imporyant choices on the strength of it. Of course she is bloody well obliged.
I'd find it very hard to forgive this, unless it was due to ill health rather than just not fancying it anymore.

NerrSnerr · 05/02/2018 15:08

@WitchesHatRim the OP posted less than 2 hours ago. Maybe she’s busy with the baby, gone shopping or having a nap or something?

Snacktimonious · 05/02/2018 15:09

Yadnbu imo she offered and right at the end decided take take back her offer

Maybe she didn't offer. Maybe OP asked her if she'd do it and she demurred, and then OP kept asking and finally persuaded her. And then mother thought about it a while and decided it was a bit too much for her to commit to.

I'm not saying that's what happened obvs, because none of us know.
But we don't know for sure that she actually offered freely.

Snacktimonious · 05/02/2018 15:16

wonder if that generation understand how difficult it is to find childcare

We don't need to. My four are all grown up so I don't need it.

Ickyockycocky · 05/02/2018 15:17

I'd find it very hard to forgive this, unless it was due to ill health rather than just not fancying it anymore

Not wanting to do it anymore is totally acceptable, actually. Perhaps the real implications of what's involved have hit her! FFS caring for a child is not a walk in the park. It's extremely hard work, it's time consuming, exhausting and stressful.

RoseWhiteTips · 05/02/2018 15:21

You cannot really expect to rely on other people to enable you to continue your life as before. I think the penny may just have dropped. YOU are ultimately responsible for your own offspring.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 05/02/2018 15:24

I hope it's nothing like what happened to me - when my mum did this it was because she'd found out she was very ill but couldn't get her head around it and definitely couldn't have told me yet. It only took her a couple of days after that to say what it was all about, but in that time I do remember feeling somewhat huffy, as well as trying to remind myself it was her doing me a favour and that she had every right to change her mind.

booqueue · 05/02/2018 15:34

Has she told you why? Is she now getting a bit worried about looking after him and taking the responsibility~? have a chat with her and see if you can sort something.

BewareOfDragons · 05/02/2018 15:35

Your mother sucks.

Tell her while you understand she's changed her mind, you would like her to keep to her promise until you can secure appropriate childcare arrangements. Work hard to find them.

Original poster
Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 15:39

Sorry - I was out shopping.

I'm not stupid. I know my "offspring is my responsibility". I am not upset she doesn't want to do t anymore. I'm upset she's been thinking it over since December and only decided to tell me today (after I brought it up - as I have actually, mentioned it a few times the last few weeks and she said nothing)

Her reason was that she would've wanted to know what days she was having him before Christmas - I can't give her that until I've had my return to Work meeting.

Of course I would have still had a baby if the offer wasn't there. The difference being, u could've looked DURING my pregnancy to have something suitable in place.

I am (hopefully) returning to work 3 days. MIL is having him one day (she works so that's all she can do) and my mum the other two.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 15:41

I could have*

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 15:42

Not wanting to do it anymore is totally acceptable, actually

No, it isn't acceptable. Not if you've repeatedly offered and allowed your dd to make very important decisions on the strength of your promise.
She had plenty of time to consider the implications and bailing without sufficient notice (unless illness or some other life altering tragedy has occurred) is awful behaviour.

NeilPetark · 05/02/2018 15:52

Of course no one is obliged, but that’s not the point. Drpping the offer at the last minute is really unhelpful as childcare can be really difficult to find! It’s all very well saying find a childminder but I’ve known nurseries to have a waiting of a year (London). Even ours was 8 months waiting for a place.

Don’t rely on family OP, that’s why I like nursery, they don’t go off sick or have last minute holidays.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/02/2018 15:53

Why were the days you were working important? What does she do on the other days?

WitchesHatRim · 05/02/2018 15:55

So you aren't using nursery/child minder at all?

How is your MIL going to do 1 day if she works but you don't get know what days you are working?

NachoAddict · 05/02/2018 15:55

I would be annoyed too. No she isn't obliged but to offer then change her mind at the last minute is pretty unfair.

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2018 15:58

Not wanting to do it anymore is totally acceptable, actually

Changing her mind is fine. What is not fine is lack of reasonable notice (when exactly was she planning on telling the OP do you think?). An honourable solution would be the OP's mum agreeing to do childcare for the first few weeks until the OP has had a chance to find an alternative.

OP I think you should be clear with your mum that she's put you in a shit position by dithering.

Original poster
Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 16:02

MIL is self employed. She can do as she pleases and is happy to do so

OP posts:
Ickyockycocky · 05/02/2018 16:06

I am (hopefully) returning to work 3 days. MIL is having him one day (she works so that's all she can do) and my mum the other two

But you don't know which days you're working, so how can you have that arranged? Is your MIL that flexible? Is your mum helping out until you arrange something else?

To be honest, having someone to give free child care even one day a week is amazing.

I'm astonished how many these days expect grandparents to provide child care. Grandparents have done their stint raising children, they deserve to live their own lives guilt free. Looking after small children is exhausting, have a thought for your much older parents who have aches and pains, perhaps don't sleep so well and get tired more easily.

pumpersnatch · 05/02/2018 16:06

You say hopefully going back 3 days. What if your request is refused? What then?
You need to start looking for childcare arrangements clearly.

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