Dropped in the s***

[Lollipop306]

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

Could mil do it till you find childcare.Just to help you out,cause there is no way i would trust your mother.

On a side note could your husband take some holidays or paternity.After all the child has 2 parents.

MIL has been very kind and said she'll stretch to two days a week. My mother has said she won't even offer to temporarily have him one day until I find suitable childcare.

I do however, have a meeting with a local childminder tomorrow to see what she's all about!

Wow lollipop, is this out of character for her? Did you feel able to ask what has made her change her mind as I’d be itching to know if I were you?

Hi Lollipop - I don't know why you've stopped showing up in green on the posts?

Good luck with the childminder tomorrow I hope you find someone lovely.

It still seems strange to me that your mum has made such a turn around. I really hope she's ok and there isn't something underlying that has caused it. (illness?) Or the tone of your original post was, justifiably, angry but if in the heat of the moment you have spoken to her with the same tone that certainly would deter me from helping out at all?

That's very nice of your MIL.

I'd just watch that it doesn't become too much for her though.

I can totally understand why you are so upset. But did you not think it was a good idea to have a back up plan anyway?

Unless your mum is super young it's really hard work. My mum started doing my childcare but it became quite clear her health was suffering as a result of the early mornings and running around. Luckily we had other ways around it incase it became too much.

It's very late notice so I do have sympathy, but what would you do on the event she was sick for a few weeks?

So, you are livid with your mum for giving you a months notice. This is quite a lot.

It's not in the world of childcare where places are booked up for months, even a year in advance. We had 3 months to find childcare when we moved countries. It was a nightmare and what we ended up with (in the short term) was less than optimal.

It is possible that the OP's mum didn't know that and thought, like you, that it was sufficient. But that doesn't help the situation the OP is in now.

*That just sums up what people think about grandparents doing childcare.

With grandparents being old and retired they don't have any sort of life, so should be available to care for your children anytime you need them*

Then you don't promise to do it in the first place without saying it depends on xyz. If she had done that the OP would have made different arrangements.

I agree Grand parents are not there to raise the children but if you make a promise you should stick by it. I would not let my DD and DGD down like this.

@billybagpuss sorry - I think it's because the start is no longer a capital letter?!

I still haven't really got to the bottom of it. We haven't really spoken (by my choice, given I've been annoyed I don't want to say something not particularly pleasant).

I just know now that I can't trust her. I feel i at least deserve to know her reasons?

Hey ho... lesson learnt eh!

sadly yes, lesson learned.

But on the other hand, at least it wasn't a couple of weeks back to work! Do you have any other options other than this childminder lined up? Any nurseries or other childminders with spaces? It might make the whole process easier if you are picking between a selection of options rather than just taking whatever you can get.

Another point, good childminders get full quickly, if she's got a space now, it might be worth paying for a month even if you don't use that childcare so you don't lose the space. (And if any nursery you like has a space, offer the same if need be!)

Your Mum probably will never really give you the real reason, don't push.

Thanks for the support on this post @CoffeeOrSleep. I appreciate it.

Tbh, I'm over it now. The initial panic is over with now I know my options but i won't forget it (put it that way).

I have one to meet tomorrow and I'm waiting for a few calls back (hoping I end up with a choice, rather than being forced into one).

I started a new thread to help me know what to look out for as it's all new to me!

Thanks again x

Great ! remember if you go to a nursery, ask to see the pre-school area/older rooms, not just the room for your child's current age. For childminder, check which pre-schools and schools they are able to do the school run for. (One friend has been able to use the same childminder since her DD was 11 months old, she's now in year 3 and sees the childminder's DCs as part of her extended family !)

Is this unusual behaviour from your DM? Have you asked whether there are any problems, ie she may be experiencing deteriorating health and not want to worry you as you already have DS to worry about? Maybe she has gone the wrong way about letting you down, but there may be an underlying reason

TBH I would feel the same, I really hope you can make up and forgive in time. Its such a stressful time and there are so many other things you need to be thinking about, including enjoying your new baby.

Good luck with your search.

My mum did EXACTLY the same thing to me. I asked why (after I'd calmed down). She's been feeling ill and not sure she would be able to come. Approx 4 weeks later she was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation and she's now fine and looks after DD two half-days per week. It turns out she was just nervous and had been feeling pretty awful.

I appreciate that the scenario is different, but a few years back my parents agreed to look after the cat whilst we went on hols. The day before we were due to go, they cancelled so panic ensued as we tried to arrange cover.
We obviously questioned it as it was so out of character and they usually looked forward to it. We were told just a bit of back pain. Seemed a flimsy excuse to us at the time but calmed down once the cover was sorted. 8 weeks later he died of cancer so even when we were asking if there was anything that we should be concerned about, he said no. (to be fair, he only found out himself 3 weeks before he died). I still feel guilty at the "why leave it so late - such short notice" type conversations that I had at the time....

So totally diff scenario, but it may not quite as simple as she changed her mind.

Of course, it is more than likely, that she just did and in which case, I would feel like you do

I mean me and her already go out three days a week with the LO.

Nevermind. I'm over it now and moving on.

Thanks for all your replies.

Bye x

So sorry tho hear about the above posters experience.

I think try to be kind and give her the benefit of the doubt.

I think it's one thing to commit to looking after a child (when your daughter is pregnant or doing all the care up until that point). It's totally another when you start to really think about the actual practical logistics - long days, lots of picking up and lifting, loosing flexibility for social life, not getting finical help in return, cooking food , toilet training, running around all day with no break. Maybe she has since spoken to friends who have done similar and regretted it/found it too tiring.

Good luck with your hunt for childcare and I hope you can move forward in the future and enjoy a good relationship with your mum. My mum loves her time with her grandchildren and they have such a special bond. Especially now I don't 'rely' totally on her and it's for enjoyment not out of a duty to help out (if that makes sense).

Good luck with the search for childcare, I'd struggle with this too as I'm close to my mum. I would never expect her to provide regular childcare but if she offered repeatedly I'd take it as read that she was making that commitment because she's my mum and I trust her!

There's lot of disingenuous people on here deliberately misreading/ignoring the OP to push their own bitter agenda about being a GP or having to pay for child care, I can't believe the spitefulness towards the OP! (I pay for FT childcare btw but am not bitter about anyone who gets family help because that's life!).

have you got a partner who could work condensed hours?

I agree banana monkey! Lollipop clearly said her mother offered and discusssd many times, it was no ‘forced on her’. I’m a mother to 4, have stayed at home because I have no family within 200 miles and a husband who works away all week, I’d have loved my Mum around the corner, mostly just to chat and share with. I think anyone who hasn’t got that is a bit jealous, me included! I hope I’ll be there for mine!

Loving all the 'you should have had backup' posts. How would that work, exactly? Pay a nursery or child minder every week on the off chance the agreed childcare falls through? Should parents whose children are in nursery etc also pay a second set of fees to a different provider as backup? Sometimes I wonder if some posters bother to think their comments through, in their haste to get the boot in and blame the OP entirely for everything.

The back up plan would be more like 'if my mum breaks her leg, how would I sort the childcare? Unpaid leave? Partner taking leaving? A change in hours? A flexiable working request? Is there a nursery that is nice nearby? Do I have friends who can help out?

There was no consideration about what happens in my mum can't do this hence 'being dropped in the sh**'. I suppose the point I was trying to get across is that relying on one career to be able to work puts you in a more vulnerable position.

My mum was going to do my childcare but I felt it wasn't fair on her in the end. Luckily I had thought of other ways of working without her help.

When my dc were pre school the local childminders formed a small social group - went to soft play and the park together, met up at toddler groups together hence the children all knew each other and the CMs. If one of the CMs was ill or needed a day off, then one of the others,in most cases, would step in and care for the child that day. Of course, only if I knew them as well, which I did by attending some of the toddler groups with them and met them in my CMs home. Also they were carers for my friends' children. It sounds very close knit and it was. It also solved the problem of relying on one person. I'm guessing this doesn't happen much nowadays.

When I worked after DC1, I used a nursery, so for 'back up plan if key worker is sick' wasn't an issue, as the nursery sorted it. However if DC1 was sick, he couldn't go to nursery, so either DH or I had to take time off, or call in favours from grandparents, or on a couple of occasions, DH worked from home. (On days when DC1 had just been sick and then was fine, but had to stay away from childcare for 2 days).

Grandparent or Nanny care doesn't have that issue as if the child is sick, you can still use your normal childcare. Compared to friends who used Nannies, it seemed I had to deal with DC1 being too ill for nursery far more often than they had to deal with their child's Nanny being sick. (Holidays were planned for, normally to coordinate with parents holidays or temp Nanny was booked in advance.)