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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropped in the s***

279 replies

Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 13:40

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 16:08

If you read the thread properly icky I don't "expect" her to. I'm MORE than happy to arrange childcare myself but it's a bit shitty to say to me for the last 16 months she can't wait and is more than happy to then tell me (only at my asking) she can't with just a few weeks to go????

OP posts:
CoffeeOrSleep · 05/02/2018 16:08

OK, you need to get on to local nurseries now. If you havent had your return to work meeting yet, then this could be good for you, once you found one you are happy with, you can see ifyou can push work for the 2 days they have availability, rather than trying to do it the other way round.

Be prepared once you have your days sorted that your Mum will offer again. I would in that case suggest she's your back up if your DC is too sick for nursery/childminder, but not too bad that you would want to stay at home. (Like if they can't go to childcare for 48 hours after D&V but are fine in themselves) Don't plan on her for anything. Don't give people who mess you about power over your life, just because you feel they should be able to stick to plans.

Original poster
Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 16:09

No pumper, not "clearly"

"Hopefully" refers to provided I can sort childcare after being dropped in it today.

Work have already agreed to three days, we just haven't decided which days.

OP posts:
Ickyockycocky · 05/02/2018 16:11

If you read the thread properly icky I don't "expect" her to. I'm MORE than happy to arrange childcare myself but it's a bit shitty to say to me for the last 16 months she can't wait and is more than happy to then tell me (only at my asking) she can't with just a few weeks to go

I think you need to get over it. In an ideal world things happen differently to real life. Anyway, you've got a few weeks, get stuck in instead of whinging on here.

Original poster
Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 16:11

I'm not whinging my dear. I asked for an opinion. Now jog along eh.

OP posts:
TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 05/02/2018 16:13

I would feel dreadful if my mum let me down to this extent. I know she doesn't need to do it. I know I'm not entitled to help/she's not obliged. But bleeding heck, when your own mother a) lets you down and b) by implication doesn't want to look after your DC - her own darling grandchild - it stings, doesn't it? It's not the same as a business arrangement breaking down and it's a bit disingenuous to look only at whether or not the OP's mother is obliged to do anything, because the whole point is that most people trust their mothers to have their back.

Ickyockycocky · 05/02/2018 16:13

I'm not whinging Grin

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ickyockycocky · 05/02/2018 16:15

her own darling grandchild

They're still exhausting no matter how darling they are.

Ickyockycocky · 05/02/2018 16:16

She's entitled to whinge

She says she's not whinging! I'm just making a very practical suggestion, that her time would be better spent tracking down some child care, rather than farting away on here.

Mia1415 · 05/02/2018 16:16

YANBU That's really poor of her and I'd be incredibly annoyed.

I hope you manage to get your childcare sorted out OP.

Jenna43 · 05/02/2018 16:16

I'm astonished how many these days expect grandparents to provide child care

I know some-one who took early retirement, they were so excited and looking forward to a bit of time to themselves and doing their hobbies...of course they ended up doing full-time childcare for their grandkids, all unpaid.

OP your mothers timing is shit, she could at least help out until you get something else arranged.

thebear1 · 05/02/2018 16:17

YANBU, to be cross at the lack of notice. I pay for all childcare but my parents were always clear, they would help in emergencies but would not provide regular help. No false promise.

pumpersnatch · 05/02/2018 16:17

She is whinging though.
We don't even know the reason for the cancellation or why she can't do it.
You were gonna get 3 days free childcare and now you're not. That's the way it goes.

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/02/2018 16:17

OP - you are right, that is shitty. I hate it when people know that news will be badly recieved, so put off saying anything in a hope the problem will go away, which generaly makes it worse.

If she'd told you months ago that she had changed her mind, that would be different. It would have meant you could have spend time sounding out other parents for recommendations for childcare, chatting to childminders at toddler groups to see if they have places etc, and would have more options to chose your childcare, rather than feeling you have to take what's available.

Many older people do seem to like the idea of doing childcare for grandchildren, thinking about their days as a young parent and wanting to recreate that, however faced with doing that when much older, it feels much more daughting. (Particularly if they'd had rose tinted specs about how much work was involved)

Move on to fixing the problem, but that doesn't mean you haven't any right to be annoyed at your Mum for faffing you about like this. If she'd told you from the start, or even from Christmas, then it would be less of a problem that waiting until now.

Remember this whenever she makes any offers or promises to help with time/pay for things etc again. Offers should be never relied upon.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/02/2018 16:18

Yes, they are. Which is why you shouldn't offer unless you mean it.
Fine not to provide childcare. Not fine to offer and tell OP you are looking forward to it, then pull out and not give sufficient notice for alternative arrangements to be made.

Mrsmadevans · 05/02/2018 16:18

OP this is a blow for you my dear I am sorry you can do without this so near to going back to work Flowers. Is there a creche in work or can you share a nanny with someone else ? Can hubbs help out or MIL a bit more? Hope it works out for you my dear.

museumum · 05/02/2018 16:24

That’s pretty awful.
Round here nurseries have at least a six month waiting list, usually more like nine. Some areas in this city childminders are all full for babies for a year or more.
Do you think she’d agree to do it for however long it takes to get into a Nursery?

Snacktimonious · 05/02/2018 16:25

when your own mother
b) by implication doesn't want to look after your DC - her own darling grandchild - it stings, doesn't it?

But it's bloody hard work! Almost all gps love their grandchildren dearly and love to see them and play with them and spoil them.

Running round after them for 8 hours a day is another kettle of fish entirely. And it's usually 30 years since they did it last! Young Mums on here complain how hard it is looking after a toddler. How much harder will it be when you're 60? It's not my idea of how to spend my retirement. I get pissed off when I have to look after dds dog for a weekend.

squishysquirmy · 05/02/2018 16:28

That's really shitty of her, and YANBU to be annoyed!

It is perfectly fine for grandparents to NOT provide childcare, and there should be no expectation that they will.

But promising to do something, and then reneging on that promise last minute is shit. The very least she could have done is offerred to provide some short term bridging childcare until you reached the top of the waiting list.

I have a family member who has form for this sort of thing (although never as serious) and I have come to realise that in their head, making the promise is as good a deed as actually fulfilling it ie, "its the thought that counts, and I thought about doing it". Of course in reality, making a promise and not doing it is far more unhelpful than not promising anything in the first place! I have since learned to take everything they promise with a huge pinch of salt, and so I don't get let down any more.

And to those on the thread getting shirty with the op about the gm having the right to back out - of course she does, legally etc. Its still bad behaviour!

MissMary0fSweden · 05/02/2018 16:28

Better to find out now rather than later.

To be honest, if you can get childcare sorted this may be a blessing in disguise. Even when family enter into childcare arrangements gladly, there is always 'stuff' that crops up- holidays, appointments, minor ops. Just life stuff.

At least with paid care you always know where you are.

squishysquirmy · 05/02/2018 16:31

And btw, I had no family help with childcare when I returned to work. That was fine, because I knew about it in advance! I got dd put on several waiting lists just after my 12 week scan, and a place was available at one of the nurseries by the time she was 6 months old.

Some areas have much shorter waiting lists though - good luck and hope you find something.

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/02/2018 16:33

Plan of attack - forget your Mum. Ignore her for a while.

Get a list of all local nurseries, call each one and arrange a visit this week. Most should be at least able to fit round meeting you. Sort prices and ask about availability days. Being flexible about which days might help you now.

Check your council's website, mine has a list of childminders registered and I can search on distance from my postcode. If they have a function like that, have a look. If you have made any Mum friends with older DCs, ask if they can recommend anyone.

Can you contact work, explain you have been let down by your childcare plans, that it might be a case that you can only get care for certain days now so if they don't mind which 3 days you do, are they happy for you to pick based on when you are able to source childcare? that might take away a lot of stress.

Park anger at your Mum for now, focus on finding solutions, then think about how you are going to deal with your Mum. You probably do have to tell her she's caused you problems by not saying earlier.

Never, never put her in a position when you rely on her.

Thebluedog · 05/02/2018 16:35

Yanbu OP, of course your DM isn’t obligated to look after your child, if she’s offered all this time and withdrawn this at the last minute it’s realy unfair on you.

You have my sympathies OP, my parents are always doing things like this to me. To the extent now, when they offer and they won’t take no for an answer, I accept but make alternative arrangements because I know something will go awry.

Anyway, all you can do is spend a day on the phone to people. Do what you can with the time available

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/02/2018 16:37

Squishy - in reality, making a promise and not doing it is far more unhelpful than not promising anything in the first place!

this is exactly the problem! People are focussing on whether or not grandparent "should" do childcare, or if they have a right to not want to etc, but the real problem is the false promises of help.

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