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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropped in the s***

279 replies

Lollipop306 · 05/02/2018 13:40

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Now a month to go, she has decided that offer is no longer on the table and I'm absolutely livid she has waited until now to change her mind/tell me (even though she said she thought about it back at Christmas).

FULLY DROPPED ME IN THE SHIT with little time to find alternative arrangements.

Before anyone starts I know she's not "obliged" to look after him but she thinks I'm being unreasonable to be pissed off??

OP posts:
stationtwelve · 05/02/2018 14:02

What would you have done had God forbid something happened to your mum? You can't have children based on needing to rely on your mum! There has to be a back up plan.

MrsJBaptiste · 05/02/2018 14:02

Maybe the OP is only going back to work for 2 days a week? Therefore has absolutely no childcare sorted?

I sympathise, your mum should have never have offered let alone kept banging on about how she'll be helping you - until now. I'd be fuming but you'll have to put this to one side so you can sort out childcare for now.

Ickyockycocky · 05/02/2018 14:02

The thing is, grandparents do have lives and their adult children need to appreciate that fact. Grandparents have done their child rearing. You have children, you look after them.

VladmirsPoutine · 05/02/2018 14:02

Yanbu to be pissed off. But, can you answer whether or not you would have still had the child had she not ever offered?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/02/2018 14:03

What reason has she given you? Just can't be bothered or something more serious. I'm sure you'll sort something else out in a month. I understand why you're annoyed that though.

MsWanaBanana · 05/02/2018 14:04

Bloody hell timeisnotaline chill out a bit. You didn’t talk to your mum for a while because she didn’t lend you her car after she said she would? People are entitled to change their mind. You sound very petty and entitled.

DPotter · 05/02/2018 14:05

Ooo that’s mean - to offer and then withdraw at such short notice. Would be tricky around here to find somewhere you liked with availability. Could she look after your little one whilst you made phone calls / did some visits?

GraceHelen · 05/02/2018 14:05

No you are absolutely not BU. She may not be obliged but it's horrid to spend, I'm guessing, over 18 months offering to provide childcare and then withdraw that offer at the very last minute. I'd certainly take a while to get over that betrayal. And I know some people will say that's a huge over reaction but you had all your plans in place, your life was fully arranged and organised based on something she said she wanted to do for you and your ds. It's not like you asked her, she offered. Yeah she can change her mind but if she's been thinking about cancelling on you for over 6 weeks and continued to say nothing that's what's more hurtful. Shes made it so much worse by doing it that way. Has she even given a reason? Not that it matters i suppose.

I hope you are able to find childcare in time and can get back to work as planned! 💐

ManyFloralBlouses · 05/02/2018 14:07

Yadnbu imo she offered and right at the end decided take take back her offer I would be really upset- do you know why has something happened recently that might have impacted her ability to provide care? I’d be more understanding in those circumstances

timeisnotaline · 05/02/2018 14:07

Fgs. The car example was hypothetical, I was trying to explain the difference between being obliged to do something and being bloody rude by offering and last minute cancelling by using something as obviously inessential as a weekend away. I have never not talked to my mum, who would never promise anything then let me down- if she changed her mind She’d tell me asap. She does no childcare for me and that’s absolutely fine.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/02/2018 14:08

Good god people this is not about whether GP should be doing childcare!

It's about someone promising to do something for you, so you don't make alternative arrangements and think it's all sorted then they turn round and say - sorry, not going to do it now. Leaving you - as OP says- in the shit!

And not just with anything. It's something really important - childcare - immensely stressful as no, it's not just a case of 'oh a month is plenty of time to find someone' - no. It might not be. It certainly isn't much time to find someone and check out whether you're happy with them. It's certainly no time to do that and to then have alternatives if you don't feel happy with what's on offer.

If OP's mum had let her know, she could have found the childcare she was genuinely happy and confident with.

Now it is possibly likely that that won't happen and she'll have to take what she can get, or worst case, be without cover.

I would be raging and I would find that bloody hard to forgive.

If her mum were ANY kind of genuine person right now she'd be saying 'I am so sorry - I know this might cause issues and so I am willing to do the care until you find childcare you're happy with.'

BishBoshBashBop · 05/02/2018 14:08

She may not be obliged but it's horrid to spend, I'm guessing, over 18 months offering to provide childcare

A huge guess considering it seems it was talked about during maternity leave only.

WitchesHatRim · 05/02/2018 14:09

If her mum were ANY kind of genuine person right now she'd be saying 'I am so sorry - I know this might cause issues and so I am willing to do the care until you find childcare you're happy with.'

Well we have no idea what the reason is do we. Nor does the OP at a guess.

BellaMoo · 05/02/2018 14:09

Of course grandparents have lives and have done their child rearing but in this case the OP’s Mum OFFERED REPEATEDLY and then retracted the offer with very little notice.

YANBU. This exactly the kind of thing my mum would do and it’s a shitty thing to do. Hope you find alternative childcare that you’re happy with.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/02/2018 14:09

I think we need to know the reason why she's pulled out really. Could be valid.

JaneEyre70 · 05/02/2018 14:10

There must be a reason why she suddenly feels that she can't cope with it? Have you asked her outright why she's letting you down at such short notice?

HashtagTired · 05/02/2018 14:11

I'm not sure it really matters why she pulled out, does it? Would it make it less of an inconvenience?
The notice thing is crap, but as other posters have said, would you really have children (or not) based on grandmas ability to babysit all day?

LakieLady · 05/02/2018 14:12

Why do people do this? My friend's MIL promised over and over again that if said friend and her DH moved to nearer them (100 miles away), she would look after their daughter 3 days a week.

Friend's DH got a job near the MIL, they hardly saw each other for months until the house here was sold, and it took a couple of months for my friend to find a job in the new area. She was really chuffed about being able to work FT and have reliable childcare.

It was less than 2 weeks after she started her job that the MIL said it was too much for her and she only wanted to have her DGD 1 day pw. My friend is now paying for nursery 4 days pw, and is worse off than she was working 3 days pw before she moved. Her DH works long and unsocial hours, and they hardly see each other. She's stuck in a city she hates and where she doesn't know anyone, and spends over 2 hours pd commuting.

She says she often wonders if he and his mum hatched this plot between them, as he always wanted to move back to where he grew up. She's so down about it all she's seriously considering moving to the other end of the country where her family live. Her DH is refusing to even consider going with her.

People don't seem to realise how much it fucks things up for parents when their childcare arrangements fall apart.

RestingButchFace · 05/02/2018 14:13

A huge guess considering it seems it was talked about during maternity leave only.

Bish the op stated Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

Yanbu op, to promise for this length of time and only tell you at the last minute is not on.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/02/2018 14:13

Of course it matters. If it's to do with ill health, having to go back to work, having to look after elderly parents etc etc then it matters why.

If it's just because she doesn't feel like it then that's different.

BishBoshBashBop · 05/02/2018 14:14

I'm not sure it really matters why she pulled out, does it?
Would it make it less of an inconvenience?

Well yes it does if it is because she is seriously ill for example I would hope that the OP and the offended in this thread would actually show some sympathy.

BishBoshBashBop · 05/02/2018 14:16

RestingButchFace well an 18 month maternity leave as you stated, is very unusual.

HashtagTired · 05/02/2018 14:16

Yes. Yes. Of course. But even if she's ill, she still can't look after the child. It is still short notice.

Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 05/02/2018 14:17

BishBosh the OP makes it clear that it has been far longer than her maternity leave.

Mum told me when we were trying to conceive, during pregnancy and throughout my WHOLE maternity leave that she would help out and care for my child/her grandson two days a week when I return to work.

RestingButchFace · 05/02/2018 14:18

Bish I never mentioned 18 months? Just that it wasn't only discussed over the maternity leave period.

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