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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think the waitress was out of order and fat shaming?

277 replies

LondonHerbivore32 · 04/02/2018 11:22

Yesterday I went out with a friend for tapas. I'm vegan, my friend isn't.

My friend ordered several plates of fish/meat (some deep fried), a salad and patatas bravas for us to share.

I started to order, asking for a pepper and aubergine stew, a spinach dish, some bread for my friend and I to share and a salad. At that point the waitress raises her eyebrow and says 'two salads?' I explained that I can't eat the one my friend has chosen due to the egg in the dressing and then ask for a portion of fried aubergines.

As I ask for the aubergines, the waitress gives me horrified look and makes a big show of counting down the list of dishes we've ordered. She then emphatically says 'enough!' as she gets to the end of the order, while giving me the most disgusted look.

I explain that I'm vegan, so cannot eat any of what my friend ordered and therefore need to order for myself. The waitress, tries to argue with me about how many dishes I need and I point out that my friend ordered one more item than me and she didn't comment then. Plus, the vegetable dishes at the restaurant in question aren't particularly large portions.

The waitress stomps off in a huff. Later, I hear her taking a massive order from the table behind me without comment.

My friend is very thin and the couple on the table behind me were also rather skinny. I'm size 16/18 depending where I shop and 5' 10" tall, so not small by any means.

I suspect I was publicly fat shamed. What do you reckon?

OP posts:
DriggleDraggle · 04/02/2018 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tors33 · 04/02/2018 11:28

I'd complain to her manager or write a bad review

EastMidsMummy · 04/02/2018 11:32

The waitress expressed herself clumsily but may not have been fat-shaming.

It’s a tapas bar. You share stuff.

It’s pretty common in tapas restaurants to select two or three dishes then order more as you go, not order a massive load of stuff at the beginning. If your friend ordered five or six things things straight off, the waitress was probably trying to point out you’d misunderstood the concept.

Jaygee61 · 04/02/2018 11:32

Thin privilege. If you’re thin you won’t be judged no matter how much
you eat.

nancy75 · 04/02/2018 11:35

Tapas waiters always tell us if we’ve ordered too much( I’ve been to tapas as a thin & fat person)
I think you are reading a bit too much into it

nancy75 · 04/02/2018 11:36

Thin privilege? Ffs I’ve heard it all now, some people just need to stop being to touchy

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/02/2018 11:36

I'm not disputing that she did all that OP but she must be quite thick given that it's her job to encourage ordering as far as possible.

You gave her explanations and still she pulled faces. Silly cow.

I really, truly hope that you didn't leave her a tip because she absolutely didn't deserve one - other than perhaps to find a job where she doesn't deal with customers perhaps?

greenlynx · 04/02/2018 11:37

I'm very surprised, in my experience the waiter usually encourages you to order more. It sounds like the waitress had something going on and it nothing to do with you. She probably just had words with another waitress, had txt from her BF or whatever...
what you ordered sounds ok. personally I wouldn't explain her anything, just "yes, 2 salads" and that's it. You could be doing tasting for the local newspaper....

sexnotgender · 04/02/2018 11:37

Doesn’t sound like fat shaming, more trying to be helpful as you sound like you ordered a lot of dishes.

I used to work in a restaurant and would tell people (thin or fat) if I thought they’d over ordered.
It’s not about judgment it’s about trying to be helpful, the vast majority would take some things off their order and once received the food would thank me for saving them money.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/02/2018 11:37

EastMids, it was the waitress who'd failed to grasp the different food requirements of both diners. One vegan - one not.

NailsNeedDoing · 04/02/2018 11:40

People quite often go to tapas restaurants not knowing how much they should order because of the sharing style of it rather than just ordering yourself one dish, so it could easily have come from that rather than a judgement on your size. Waitresses in these places are probably used to advising customers how much they should order. At the time your friend was ordering, maybe the waitress thought she was ordering for you both, and that's why she didn't say anything. Are you sure you aren't taking this more personally than it was intended?

EastMidsMummy · 04/02/2018 11:41

Yes, which doesn’t mean she’s “fat shaming”, especially to a woman of normal size.

TheFairyCaravan · 04/02/2018 11:42

Thin privilege. If you’re thin you won’t be judged no matter how much
you eat.

Bullshit.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/02/2018 11:42

I don’t think she was fat shaming I think she was rudely expressing concern at food waste and assuming you had no idea how much food you were actually ordering.

It sounds like your friend ordered at least 5 plates and you another 4. I’m quite versed in tapas and a big eater and 3 plates pp is pretty generous. If they are small portions then I can understand why but it sounds like a huge amount of food anyway.

I think she assumed your friend was ordering for the both of you but she has a shut customer service manner either way.

MatildaTheCat · 04/02/2018 11:43

I think it’s common for tapas staff to give you the nod that you’ve over ordered. Are you sure you weren’t projecting your own insecurities? And when she commented, it depends on the way yo explained about being a vegan...if you were abrupt maybe that pissed her off? Or maybe her shoes were pinching.

Anyway I highly doubt she was fat shaming.

Serialweightwatcher · 04/02/2018 11:43

It sounded like initially she was trying to say you may have ordered more than was necessary, but when you explained you were a vegan that should have been the end of it. I think she was very rude to comment and you're not the unreasonable one. It's none of her business.

Sarahjconnor · 04/02/2018 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovingLola · 04/02/2018 11:44

We eat in a local tapas restaurant fairly regularly. The last time we went we ordered about 9 things between us (family of 4). The waitress did say to us that it was a lot of food and were we sure we wanted it all. We didn't take offence in the slightest.

c75kp0r · 04/02/2018 11:45

Obviously we can’t hear the waitress’ tone but maybe she gets fed up of seeing people order more food than they are likely to eat only for it to end up in the bin. Though as PP has said, I bet her boss wouldn’t be impressed she is turning away sales.

NewYearNewMe18 · 04/02/2018 11:45

I think she was probably trying to save you money.

My tapas bar always tells you when you've over ordered.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/02/2018 11:48

I wasn't suggesting that the waitress was 'fat shaming', just that she was being a bad waitress.

Don't these places box leftover food for customers to take home if they request this?

EastMidsMummy · 04/02/2018 11:48

I bet her boss wouldn’t be impressed she is turning away sales.

Any decent restaurant manager wants people to return, not to order a shitload of food they don’t eat and feel short-changed.

PinkDaffodil2 · 04/02/2018 11:48

I’ve been saved from massively over ordering in tapas type places by waiters before. DH and I both slim so didn trad anything judgy into it, and glad for the advice as portion sizes can vary so much between restaurants!
It sounds like she probably thought the 6 dishes your friend ordered were to share, hence not saying anything. 11 dishes between 2 is a lot of food at most places, I suspect that if you’d ordered first she would have said similar to your friend when she added further.

loveka · 04/02/2018 11:48

Every time I have been to a tapas restaurant the waiter has done the "that's enough!" thing.

It sounds like as you got a bit defensive she then reacted to that.

Your friend ordered quite a lot, but usually with tapas you order together. So the vegan stuff and the meat stuff ordered all at once, then you just eat the vegan.

FullSet · 04/02/2018 11:50

I live in Spain. The standard for tapas is 3 plates per person, that you share. I would have raised an eyebrow at your friend ordering several just for herself. It does sound as though the waitress was rude though.