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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think the waitress was out of order and fat shaming?

277 replies

LondonHerbivore32 · 04/02/2018 11:22

Yesterday I went out with a friend for tapas. I'm vegan, my friend isn't.

My friend ordered several plates of fish/meat (some deep fried), a salad and patatas bravas for us to share.

I started to order, asking for a pepper and aubergine stew, a spinach dish, some bread for my friend and I to share and a salad. At that point the waitress raises her eyebrow and says 'two salads?' I explained that I can't eat the one my friend has chosen due to the egg in the dressing and then ask for a portion of fried aubergines.

As I ask for the aubergines, the waitress gives me horrified look and makes a big show of counting down the list of dishes we've ordered. She then emphatically says 'enough!' as she gets to the end of the order, while giving me the most disgusted look.

I explain that I'm vegan, so cannot eat any of what my friend ordered and therefore need to order for myself. The waitress, tries to argue with me about how many dishes I need and I point out that my friend ordered one more item than me and she didn't comment then. Plus, the vegetable dishes at the restaurant in question aren't particularly large portions.

The waitress stomps off in a huff. Later, I hear her taking a massive order from the table behind me without comment.

My friend is very thin and the couple on the table behind me were also rather skinny. I'm size 16/18 depending where I shop and 5' 10" tall, so not small by any means.

I suspect I was publicly fat shamed. What do you reckon?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/02/2018 13:43

Why would somebody be left with plates of meat? If they order three dishes each, a meat eater could order one of two of meat and one of vegetables or bread?

I don't understand where the stricture comes in that people MUST order everything to share.

wakemeupbefore · 04/02/2018 13:44

Dear Witch [waves] how about vegetarian restaurants and unrepentant carnivores? What should happen to such 'food premise' were there a customer who demanded a steak? Who would be in the right?
Would the business fail were they send said customer packing?

[waves again]

ToEarlyForDecorations · 04/02/2018 13:45

Thin privilege. If you’re thin you won’t be judged no matter how much
you eat.

That's exactly right.

More thin privilege exists in clothes shops too.

Or the chemists when the shop assistant told me with distain that I would need an extra large tubular bandage on my knee - when I needed a bandage one time. (Because of the size of my knee because I'm fat. Bandage was not required for a weight related problem.)

EastMidsMummy · 04/02/2018 13:46

Lyin, anybody can order whatever the fuck they like. I am not the tapas police. But the social context of Spanish tapas is about the joy (and politeness) of sharing, not individualism.

OlennasWimple · 04/02/2018 13:47

Maybe she was.

But more likely she was checking that she had taken the order correctly (perhaps most people don't order two salads) and that you knew that you were ordering more than most people would.

It must be very frustrating all round for people to over-order, not eat everything or enjoy it all, leave lots behind and still have to pay for it

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/02/2018 13:47

The word "fussy" could be seen as quite a derogatory term although in essence a vegan is particular or "choosy" about what they eat. That's all part of being vegan- eliminating certain foods.

I suspect that you're sensitive about your size so will see criticism from others and take offence when none is implied. Having a chip on your shoulder skews your perspective in a way.

It's more likely that a waitress in a busy restaurant doesn't give a hoot about your size.

Your argumentative retorts to her "enough" comment were slightly uncalled for I think. And your anger over a perceived insult perhaps ruined your enjoyment of a nice meal.

Original poster
LondonHerbivore32 · 04/02/2018 13:47

I definitely agree with you TooEarly, thin privilege is a thing and I swear it’s getting worse in society.

OP posts:
wakemeupbefore · 04/02/2018 13:48

TooEarly....Perhaps the shop assistant had a toothache, perhaps they were just in a bad mood? Perhaps they were trying to help you to choose the right size bandage?
Perhaps they were not showing any disdain at all?

tinyfootsteps · 04/02/2018 13:49

Complain to the management. They won't take kindly to her trying to get customers to order fewer items.

Jaxhog · 04/02/2018 13:49

What! It isn't up to the waitress to monitor your food order! She should be grateful that:
a. the restaurant is making money from a big order - big orders mean bigger tips
b. she won't have to keep coming back for another order

Even if she thinks you over ordered, she could be tactful and say that seems like a lot. But to flounce off..!

Weezol · 04/02/2018 13:49

ExpatInScotland has it right. I waitressed full time for four years. Your waitress may not have been fat-shaming, but she's in the wrong job.

As you are a regular, call in and have a word with the manager. They won't mind at all - if they don't know what's going on, they can't fix it. She either needs some training or to removed from front of house service.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/02/2018 13:52

I don't see how advising someone they need a large bandage if they have a large leg is rude or insulting at all ?

mumofthemonsters808 · 04/02/2018 13:55

I don't think a waitress gives a damn what people order regardless of their size. I think she was just clarifying what you wanted and you've misinterpreted her.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 04/02/2018 13:56

Perhaps the shop assistant had a toothache, perhaps they were just in a bad mood? Perhaps they were trying to help you to choose the right size bandage?
Perhaps they were not showing any disdain at all?

WakeMeUp - responses like yours defy belief. YOU.WERE.NOT.THERE.WHEN.IT.HAPPENED.IT.DID.NOT.HAPPEN.TO.YOU.

cleofatra · 04/02/2018 13:58

There is a better way of suggesting the portions may be too much, surely. I have been in places where the waiter "warns" me that the portions are quite big...say I might ask for a meal and sides to be told in a polite , confidente way that I likely wouldn't need the sides as the meals are very generous.
Then there is the raised eyebrow technique. Which is rude, unhelpful and yes, possibly fat shaming.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 04/02/2018 13:58

I don't see how advising someone they need a large bandage if they have a large leg is rude or insulting at all ?

ILostItIn - I think it's time I hid this thread.

sycamore54321 · 04/02/2018 13:59

Even in the incredibly unlikely event offence was intended, I think you are massively overreacting and overthinking this. It's also pretty obvious to me that the waitress didn't say anything about the next table making a huge order because she's gotten such a stern reaction from you...

If you want to go through life seeing "most disgusted looks" and "stomping huffs" everywhere, I'm sure it's possible but life is probably easier if you don't seek out these things. And gloss them over if they do arise.

EastMidsMummy · 04/02/2018 13:59

responses like yours defy belief. YOU.WERE.NOT.THERE.WHEN.IT.HAPPENED.IT.DID.NOT.HAPPEN.TO.YOU.

In which case, let’s close the thread. Only the OP can have an opinion: She was fat-shamed by a bad waitress just because she ordered too much food.

cleofatra · 04/02/2018 14:00

Oh and when I was larger, I had some pretty amazing fat shaming episodes. The classic "pretty fat woman" incident - "excuse me miss, you won't find anything for YOU here" was a cracker.
I'm sure we all have some stories to tell. I have so many!!

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2018 14:02

Thin privilege.If you’re thin you won’t be judged no matter how much
you eat

Thin people are very often judged on how little they eat. The assumptions made about people with smaller appetites often go like this...

She probably just pushes a lettuce leaf around her plate.

"Oh you're not having a dessert? Why are you watching your weight when you clearly don't need to?"

They must have an ED or a bad relationship with food.

They clearly don't like food as much as I do.

The list is actually endless and very annoying. People should keep their eyes on their own plates and their comments to themselves.

Original poster
LondonHerbivore32 · 04/02/2018 14:02

Sycamore, where did you get that I had a stern reaction? I was shocked by her manner, too shocked to respond properly. I explained the reason for the order and then later it slowly dawned on me that she might have taken issue with my order in particular.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2018 14:02

Have the posters saying the waitress was rude, eaten in tapas restaurants?
They're not like normal restaurants; the waitresses are there to guide you on the right amount to order.
I wonder if the waitress tried to help you; then you didn't respond well; so she thought sod it, I'll not help anyone else when the next table also seemingly over ordered?

MichaelBendfaster · 04/02/2018 14:05

Thin people are very often judged on how little they eat.

As a thin person I wholeheartedly agree about the judgement passed on what thin people eat. Although in fact I eat quite a lot; but people seem to have selective vision about this and will say things like 'It's no wonder you're so skinny' if I'm eating, say, an apple, regardless of the fact that they recently saw me eat a baked potato with tuna mayo and cheese or whatever.

wakemeupbefore · 04/02/2018 14:08

The sheer number of posters who are 'shocked' over mundane stuff is staggering.
Hmm

shock - a sudden or violent disturbance of the mind, emotions, or sensibilities.

Biscuit
SchrodingersFrilledLizard · 04/02/2018 14:15

The sheer number of posters who are 'shocked' over mundane stuff is staggering

That or traumatised or livid or shaking with anger!