AIBU to think the waitress was out of order and fat shaming?

[LondonHerbivore32]

Yesterday I went out with a friend for tapas. I'm vegan, my friend isn't.

My friend ordered several plates of fish/meat (some deep fried), a salad and patatas bravas for us to share.

I started to order, asking for a pepper and aubergine stew, a spinach dish, some bread for my friend and I to share and a salad. At that point the waitress raises her eyebrow and says 'two salads?' I explained that I can't eat the one my friend has chosen due to the egg in the dressing and then ask for a portion of fried aubergines.

As I ask for the aubergines, the waitress gives me horrified look and makes a big show of counting down the list of dishes we've ordered. She then emphatically says 'enough!' as she gets to the end of the order, while giving me the most disgusted look.

I explain that I'm vegan, so cannot eat any of what my friend ordered and therefore need to order for myself. The waitress, tries to argue with me about how many dishes I need and I point out that my friend ordered one more item than me and she didn't comment then. Plus, the vegetable dishes at the restaurant in question aren't particularly large portions.

The waitress stomps off in a huff. Later, I hear her taking a massive order from the table behind me without comment.

My friend is very thin and the couple on the table behind me were also rather skinny. I'm size 16/18 depending where I shop and 5' 10" tall, so not small by any means.

I suspect I was publicly fat shamed. What do you reckon?

I went for tapas with two work colleagues last week one of whom is veggie. The waiter was the same with us as my veggie friend ordered three dishes and we went to order another 6 - he said we wouldn’t need that many. He was only being helpful but I explained that we wouldn’t be sharing with friend as she couldn’t have any of ours. To be fair we took his advice and ordered 5 and there was left overs! The problem with tapas is some restaurants give you small portions and others are pretty big so unless you’ve been before you have no clue how much to order! I’m sorry you felt that way though OP having once been bigger than you, I can relate!

I see the point people are making about the amount of tapas dishes needed per person and it seems like that is likely to be what she meant . The waitress should have explained this more politely. Also when she found out you weren't sharing most of the dishes I don't understand why they couldn't do a portion for one rather than enough to share between two.

Even though it's the opposite, I vote 'snowflake' goes onto Janet's list.

I think you should contact the manager and tell them you've a food blogger or something like that and you've never been so insulted!

Waitress should be grateful for your custom. Never heard of an eating establishment doing the food police act. Wouldn't even have bothered explaining - sure the manager would have been interested if you had upped and walked out saying you never realised the place had a limit on the number of dishes you could order.

Why have you taken offence at this? Has it touched a nerve? I wouldn't waste time putting it on here and with such a long description! Ask for a doggy bag for copious uneaten food. Either discuss it at the time saying you're unhappy to the senior waiter or don't go back. The coward's way, of course is to put a bad comment on social media which really is unacceptable if you didn't tackle it at the time. Move on

Another over- and oft mis-used adjective for Janet's List - triggering.
Looking at a ham sandwich can apparently 'trigger' something nee catastrophic in some suseptible albeit vacant minds.

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It's not anyones job to tell you how much or little you can order. She is a waitress, she's there to wait on you, and do it in a manner that does not make you feel uncomfortable, or having to explain yourself. If you ask about portion size etc, that's different. I would have told her in no uncertain terms and I would have told the Manager I would not return again as I am an adult and can make up my own mind, thankyou.

I think from what you’ve said you’re right. She didn’t explain how many dishes she’d recommend to you both neutrally and leave it for you to decide. She directed it at you and sounded like she gave you a disgusted look. Complain.

If I was your friend I would have gone vegan for that meal, plenty of tasty vegan good that you both could have shared. That's the whole point of tapas after all. It does sound like a lot of food, decent waitresses will tell you when you've overordered but if she really was looking at you "in disgust" you should complain.

Do you think maybe you perceived her mannerisms and tone differently because you're sensitive if your size? Which I totally get. I used to be a 14 and worried all the time about how what people thought of me ordering food. I'm a size 10 now and still won't go into a takeaway or whatever because I still have the "I'm big" mentality.

I suspect you are being a little over- sensitive about your size, when the waitress probably wouldn't bat an eyelid. It sounds very much from her choice of language (just saying "enough" on its own, and using more gesticulation/non-verbal communication than we are used to) that perhaps English wasn't her first language, in which case UABVU to call her out on her lack of understanding and use of English language nuance.

For those on the thread saying the waitress should have kept quiet, it's not her place to advise unless asked - it is usual at a tapas restaurant for the staff to advise, whether asked or not (and indeed in Indian, Chinese etc where food is generally not plated per portion). In fact, one of the only types of food I can think of where staff encourage you to "go large" is McDonald's no matter what your size. Would the OP be complaining on here about fat shaming if the McDonald's server asked whether she would like to "go large"??

For those who say that any over order can be thrown away as OP is paying and can do that - SHAME ON YOU. The planet is dying because too many people are consuming too many resources and wasting so much. Taking over-order home for lunch/later use is fine, but also involves cartons/tubs and bags which otherwise would not have been necessary. I try hard not to be a fun-sucker, but FGS consider that your actions have wider consequences

Yes to 'trigger' on Janet's list, wakemeup. I'd also like to include chippy- the world's laziest way of putting Plebs in their place.

Username alreadytaken..........advice is okay, but this waitress clearly was showing dissaproval. It was her attitude that was at fault. She also argued with the op, not her place to do that. She made the op feel really uncomfortable and put her in a difficult position. She was there to serve, not make a paying customer have to explain and defend herself. Your trying hard to not be a 'fun sucker' is not working.

Who's Janet and what list?

Pension - you're missing the point I was making - assuming that OP is "English" and the waitress isn't, the language barrier may have left OP thinking that the waitress was being disdainful/showing disapproval, when her reaction was normal in her culture.

Other cultures are often seen as being more blunt, less polite, more direct, than we are, and this could be a simple case of that. Stereotypically, the Germans are direct, the French and Spanish are rude, the Japanese are polite, etc etc.

Perhaps the waitress was just behaving appropriately to her cultural norms, rather than going out of her way to offend anybody.

Usernamealreadytaken.....Sorry I totally dissagree with your generalisations of culture. For one I live in Spain and do not find the Spanish rude at all. Even if what you say is true, this particular waitress needs training in how to serve paying customers. It is not the paying customers problem to fit in with a different behaviour culture, indeed the onus is on the restaurant to make sure the customer is happy with the food and service. I don't care where someone comes from, if I am paying for a service I want to be treated with respect, and not be made to feel uncomfortable or have to explain myself as the op had to.

Barbara, Janet wrote:
I'm so fucking bored of hearing about so called 'privilege' and 'shaming'. Can you please latch onto different social media generated, meaningless buzzwords in 2018 please. ..
Entitled, snowflake, trigger and chippy have been added to this list of lazy words.

Pension - stereotypes aside, would you disagree that many other cultures use non-verbal communication far more than we do? The raised eyebrow, for instance?

I despair at the thought of all "foreigners" being anglicised so as not to offend our sensitivities to their "foreignness". This reminds me somewhat of the university that asked students not to clap (anxiety trigger) or whoop (excludes deaf people - did any deaf people actually raise that??).

IMO she was trained in how to best serve paying customers; by trying to ensure they weren't ordering too much and over spending

Now you are missing my points, by discussing a completely different subject. Sorry about 'your despair' but I am sticking to my point of, I am the paying customer and expect to be treated accordingly.
If your opinion is 'She was trained in how to best serve paying customers', then your standards of service are pretty low and you obviously have no idea of the service industry. Arguing with a customer and making them feel uncomfortable was not 'ensuring they wern't ordering to much or overspending it was rude and intimidating to the op. I would have a different viewpoint if the waitress was trying to help, but according to the op this was definately not the case.

OP never stated that the waitress intimidated her; she simply didn't like her attitude and found it argumentative. I took from the OP that she had some body confidence issues (friend is very skinny, "I'm not small by any means").

I'm glad we're all different and have different opinions and standards. I'll take my low standards and continue to not project my insecurities on hard working low paid staff who are just doing their job as best they can. Let's hope the poor girl doesn't get the sack because of one over sensitive customer.

Bloody hell, I'm going to need a new notebook!

Expatinscotland....exactly!!!!! And I would have been embarrassed and WOULD consider it fat shaming if a waitress suggested I don’t order anymore food..it’s not there business to make “suggestions” it’s their business to take your blooming order and give it to the chef and then take my blooming money!! The cheek of it OP, you should have pulled her up on it at the time or at least made a light hearted joke about how bloody rude she was being 😡

Good for you. I will continue to expect good service when I'm paying for it, and if the staff are pleasant and helpful (even though they are low paid) I wont have a problem, even if there is a culture or language difficulty. I also wont take on the role of psychologist if I'm not trained to do so, because that's not why I go out to eat. Perhaps if 'the poor girl got sacked, whilst doing her best by being hardworking ' she might learn something, as we all do, when, and if we are hard working and in low paid jobs. Obviously this should not happen if the standard of the management is high enough to recognise more training is needed. This is how things work in the real' hardworking' world. I should know, I was once in it.

U are there paying for food it is upto u what u order and how much u order not the waitress don't think she was fat shaming u think she was rude she doesn't have the ryt to say enough I would have complained about her bad attitude and telling u stop ordering and u myt share at the tapas but did use miss the point she's vegan her friend isn't so they can't share and maybe they wanted to try alot of different things and ordered what they wanted as they are paying for it not like it's free food and there wasting it but must have missed the part where poster said they over ordered and wasted the food use are all crazy saying waitress is in the ryt so not the case she had a bad attitude towards her and told her it was enough if boss had heard her turn down profit to keep business afloat and pay her wages then she wouldn't have a job for much longer

DP and I are both thin and always order shit loads when we go for tapas as we love it and are greedy. We quite often have waitresses comment on how much we order, I think it's because they want to make sure we know what we're getting into. I don't think it's fat shaming.