AIBU to think the waitress was out of order and fat shaming?

[LondonHerbivore32]

Yesterday I went out with a friend for tapas. I'm vegan, my friend isn't.

My friend ordered several plates of fish/meat (some deep fried), a salad and patatas bravas for us to share.

I started to order, asking for a pepper and aubergine stew, a spinach dish, some bread for my friend and I to share and a salad. At that point the waitress raises her eyebrow and says 'two salads?' I explained that I can't eat the one my friend has chosen due to the egg in the dressing and then ask for a portion of fried aubergines.

As I ask for the aubergines, the waitress gives me horrified look and makes a big show of counting down the list of dishes we've ordered. She then emphatically says 'enough!' as she gets to the end of the order, while giving me the most disgusted look.

I explain that I'm vegan, so cannot eat any of what my friend ordered and therefore need to order for myself. The waitress, tries to argue with me about how many dishes I need and I point out that my friend ordered one more item than me and she didn't comment then. Plus, the vegetable dishes at the restaurant in question aren't particularly large portions.

The waitress stomps off in a huff. Later, I hear her taking a massive order from the table behind me without comment.

My friend is very thin and the couple on the table behind me were also rather skinny. I'm size 16/18 depending where I shop and 5' 10" tall, so not small by any means.

I suspect I was publicly fat shamed. What do you reckon?

I think it sounds like too much food! Was the waitress worried that it wouldn't all fit on the table? Why not share a vegan salad for example? If there was food left over at the end then it was too much.

I don't think your size is relevant. A size 16 is average these days.

I don't think I've ever ordered more than 3 items per person in a tapas restaurant. It does seem like you both ordered a lot.

She didn't comment to your friend as your friend could have been ordering for both of you - it would only be when she got to you that it got too much for two people.

I've had this a few times in tapas restaurants. Me and dh aren't overweight but they always say enough now!
I wonder if it's because I think you are supposed to order a few dishes at a time then order more if you want them?
Whereas dh and I tend to order most of the menu in one go!

I think you are being paranoid. I usually ask how many the waiter thinks we need and they telll us, she was probably just trying to say that you might have ordered too much, they don't want you sending it back.

Thin privilege

What on earth is that?

People always feel that they can pass comment because it's acceptable to say you're so skinny opposed to you're so fat.

This waitress could have said to a skinny person where are you going to put all of that food- but of course that would be fine, because of the thin privilege

Thanks for your replies, it’s really interesting to see the different perspectives on this.

To clarify, the waitress’ tone was horrible, one of real judgement and disgust.

Also, I found it very odd that following the explanation of why the order was being done the way it was, she didn’t advise my friend to perhaps drop one of her items, considering that she’d ordered more than me and it was all fried fish/prawns, fried calamari and ham, plus the salad and potatoes. But it was very much directed at me to order less.

Also, i’ll re-emphasise that the table made a similarly massive order, with no comment from her at all.

Additionally, I should say that I got to the place in question quite often and the content of an order has never, ever been commented on before. Which is part of the reason I was so shocked, usually the staff are super laid back, cool about dietary requirements and it’s generally a nice place. I’d never seen the waitress in question before, so I assume she’s new.

I think your waitress was trying to helpful. It should have been a conversation between both you and your friend that as you were vegan and could share her dishes, she had then ordered far too much food as she would be stuck with several plates of unsharable food by herself.

Both of you should have picked up the hint, dumped some dishes and had a rethink.

It's normal for tapas wait staff to point out when you have over-ordered and not got the concept as you usually order as a table, not individuals.

Aubergines, peppers, salad sound like light dishes. You may get about 6 slices of chorizo in sauce, about 4 full prawns which look big with heads and skin, maybe a few chunks of chicken breasts. All in small dishes, usually the terracotta ones ? The filling thing here would be the potatoes and bread. Tapas always seem a lot of food when you order, but practically, your order seems about right to me and your waitress should know that.
Also, op said the next table made a substantial order, but the waitress said nothing?

I think you were fat shamed by a waitress who clearly did not understand the meaning of 'vegan' - so double whammy.

Did the aubergines have reduced honey sauce and salt on them .

Thin privilege my arse. My arse is not thin however.

I've lived in Spain and you do order a fairly modest amount at first and then continue or not.

Paperdoll I agree. When I was younger and a size 6-8 EVERY lunchtime my meal was commented on. If I had a salad then it was "no wonder you're so skinny eating like that". If I had chips it was "how can you eat all that and be so skinny? Just wait until you're 40, it'll catch up with you" as they practically rubbed their hands with glee at the prospect of it. My size 24 colleague however, got to eat her chips or salad without comment.

Cross post, did not see op reply

Sorry, typo in my earlier post, it should have read that the table behind us made a massive order and the waitress said nothing. I paid attention to see if she just had a crap manner in general or not.

WTF? Perish the thought that waiting staff should pay attention to what a customer tells them. Too much?

OP... find a better restaurant to eat in.

Nah I’m 5’9 and a size 10 and had the waiter in a tapas bar stop me before. Usually it’s because of portion sizes and that you are supposed to share. You guys should have chosen joint dishes with only a one individuals each and added to it as you went if you wanted to.

You should send a trip advisor review or email the manager complaining. She was rude

Was the waitress English or Spanish? Spanish can be quite blunt, which is often taken as rudeness, but it's not meant like that. English people also generally eat more/bigger portions than Spanish people so I have seen surprise before.

You do usually order as a table. Individually would be a weird thing to do in a tapas restaurant.

Going to a tapas restaurant with fussy eaters is hell, btw. The whole pleasure of it is to be able to share a variety of foods. The moment a vegan arrives who won’t try everything and who guards “their” plates is the moment all the joy is sucked out of the evening.

Oooh the vegan bashing has begun!

and I have known Spanish restaurants have trouble with the concept of Vegetarian, they've suggested ham and chicken be ok, so a vegan might boggle their mind

Carnivore privilege that'll be probably.

It’s not confined to vegans. It’s confined to anyone who won’t join in. Meat-eaters who won’t try vegetarian dishes are just as bad.

My partner and I usually Spell it Out. "We will order separately because I am vegetarian and he is not. In the event that we cannot eat everything we will ask for a takeout container and call it lunch".

Awww East Mids, I find it difficult to go anywhere for dinner with intolerant people who can’t get their heads around the fact that others might eat differently to them for any reason.

Veganism = "fussy eating"
?