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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset (mil related sorry)

153 replies

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 18/01/2018 09:47

My mil and fil had my toddler overnight at there request ( not needed as I am on mat leave) my mil cut his lovely curly hair.
She had mentioned several times that it need doing but me and DH had made it clear we liked it longer

When I picked him up it wasn’t obvious but Fil said “we nearly cut his hair but didn’t” I said I was glad they hadn’t. When we got home and he had a bath and hair wash it became obvious it had been cut.

DH is working away but he text her asking if she had cut it. No reply for a few days. Then a reply “I cut the tatty bits off, it’s hardly a short back and sides”

Dh (still away) has told me he has spoke to her and told her not to do it again and has asked that we leave it at that.

I am upset for several reasons; mil decided it was her place to cut it against our wishes. it was his first hair cut ( so no curl for me to keep in his memory book) and Fil raised it and she didn’t admit she had cut it ( think perhaps fil didn’t know she had)

For context we usually have a good relationship and when I was working and when I go back to work Mil and Fil will do 1 day of childcare - again at their request

AIBU to feel so upset? Wwyd? Should I say something or accept DH has spoken to her and draw a line under it?

Thanks

OP posts:
Randomlywondering · 18/01/2018 09:49

She was wrong to cut your son's hair without asking you. I'm not sure what you can do now though. You can keep pushing the issue to the detriment of your relationship with her or you can drop it. As hard as dropping it might be I think it's maybe the best option. Your husband has spoken to her already.

Monoblock67 · 18/01/2018 09:49

No you are definitely not BU, that’s appalling! I’m sorry she’s done that Flowers

If your DH has already spoken to her I would leave it be, but I wouldn’t be rushing to reach out to her either.

Mogginthemog · 18/01/2018 09:54

YANBU. The only way it would have been ok is if you had asked her to cut it. Otherwise it’s not her decision to make.

lostherenow · 18/01/2018 09:56

I would drop it but find other childcare for when you go back to work, less because of the hair cut than the fact she lied about it.

Fishface77 · 18/01/2018 09:57

No way would they Be looking after my child when I went to work.
It’s the total disregard of your wishes.

And your DH wants an easy life.
And it’s they/then who have caused this so don’t feel responsible for causing a “rift”

MrsMozart · 18/01/2018 09:58

I would have trouble trusting her.

There is, of course, the first hair cut emotional thing, which I'd find it hard to get past as those things matter to me, but it's the bigger attitude of "I know best". Where does that end?

MsHomeSlice · 18/01/2018 09:59

she could not have cut much off if you did not notice straight away.

CoraPirbright · 18/01/2018 09:59

I think I would need to know what was said between your dh and mil. If she accepted that it was totally wrong and apologised then I think I would be fine to draw a line. However if she is still saying that it was ok then I wouldnt be happy and would be reconsidering the days childcare.

There is another thread running here at the mo where the PILs took a young baby out expressly against the mother’s wishes (the car seat wasn’t compatible) and many people are questioning how you can trust them again. What if they dont believe that car seats are necessary or think that allergies are a load of rubbish.....

LittleCandle · 18/01/2018 09:59

I was itching to get DGD's hair cut a few months ago, but I contained myself because it wasn't my place. I did offer to pay for haircuts for both DD and DGD and DD accepted gratefully. DGD didn't get very much cut off, but it was neatened up a little bit. I would have had more done, but, as I said, it isn't my place.

However, done is done. Your DH has spoken to his parents. I think you have to let this go. I don't think you'll be getting an apology from them, but it is up to you if you decide this is serious enough for you to decide to stop speaking to them. I think that is an over reaction on your part if you do. If you do let them have DS when you return to work, you need to make it clear that if you say no about something, no is exactly what it means.

Travis1 · 18/01/2018 10:00

YANBU I'd be finding other childcare.

RatherBeRiding · 18/01/2018 10:01

YANBU - I'd been upset and furious in equal measure! However, there's nothing you can do now about the hair-cut, and your DH has - hopefully - been very clear that their behaviour was unacceptable and they mustn't do anything similar again, so honestly probably best to leave it at that.

But - do you need them for childcare? Or is it them pushing for one on one when you're back at work? Would you trust them not to pull a similar stunt, i.e. not respecting your boundaries. If not, for your own peace of mind you might be better just paying for childcare, and then they only get to see DC with you present.

MoKnickers · 18/01/2018 10:01

Go NC.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 18/01/2018 10:01

Given your dh has spoken to her, I'd now leave it.

I would definitely find alternative childcare though. You can't trust she will do what you ask, and that's enough. It's exactly why I don't have family looking after my dc.

Andro · 18/01/2018 10:02

I agree with previous posters about the child care, if they can't abide by your wishes then they can't be trusted to have unsupervised care.

Actions speak louder than words.

user1474652148 · 18/01/2018 10:05

I would be finding alternative childcare.
It is appalling she cut his hair without your permission, then lied about it, and clearly she has lost all sense of boundaries.
I don't see how you can trust her anymore. To keep your relationship is tact there needs to be boundaries and respect and neither are present at the moment.

Original poster
Marlboroandmalbec34 · 18/01/2018 10:05

Thank you all. I do feel better having vented.

I didnt notice straight away you are right, it’s quite springy so dependent on if it’s been washed and brushed some days it looks longer than others. When it was wet and combed its a real obvious line. It’s really not the hair that upsets me as it will grow it’s the lie and then the I know best attitude. No apology just “it’s hardly a short back and sides”

My son loves them to pieces and in many ways they are fantastic grandparents I just feel they have broken my trust and what’s next?

OP posts:
Beamur · 18/01/2018 10:06

When do you go back to work?
Think about the IL's looking after your DS for one day carefully before you reject their offer.
On the downside, it does sound as if your MIL may tend to overstep, you have to decide if the battles are worth having, or if the overall benefit is worth it.
On the upside, for your DS, being loved and cared for by his grandparents could be a really positive thing.
My Mum used to look after DD 2 days a week when I went back to school, often with DH around too (working from home) she didn't always follow my requests/instructions (she had mild dementia) but to no real detriment. DD loved her granny (no longer with us) and that time they had together was really special for them both.
Your MIL should not have cut your DS's hair, no doubt about that, but was it a one-off error, or is she poor at recognising her role? If he is her first grandchild this will be new for her too.

mojito55 · 18/01/2018 10:09

I would tell them that you don't want their one day of childcare per week until you can trust that they will respect your wishes when it comes to your DC. Your MIL needs to know that there will be consequences if she tries to override you.

blackberryfairy · 18/01/2018 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2018 10:10

I wouldn't dare!

And as a parent I would have been devastated.

Find out what your husband actually said to her and what her reaction was. Then take it from there.

GabriellaMontez · 18/01/2018 10:13

If she's apologised and assured you nothing like this will happen again then try and move on.

If she begrudgingly admitted it then I would make plans for alternative child care in future as it will be one thing after another. She doesn't respect you.

flumpybear · 18/01/2018 10:14

I'd send a letter and just say I'd like to
Move on from this, however you've seriously dented the trust I have in you, you clearly don't respect my parenting. I really hope we can move on from this but any more disrespectful acts and I'll be reviewing the relationship
We have

I'd try to get husband in side and write it from you both

Blackteadrinker77 · 18/01/2018 10:14

I'd ask her to meet you for a coffee.

You need to tell her how wrong it is to go against your wishes and that you won't stand for it.

Mogginthemog · 18/01/2018 10:15

Another one saying to re think childcare. You need to be able to relax at work in the knowledge that any instructions or rules are being followed. If you say calpol at 1pm and one small chocolate treat only you don’t want to discover the calpol was left out and that DS feels sick and can’t sleep because he was fed an entire grab bag of minstrels instead of his dinner because he was enjoying them more than the meal he was offered.

greenmagpie · 18/01/2018 10:16

Cut a bit of MIL's hair off without telling her, see how she likes it.

Sorry, I'm feeling petulant.
My toddler has had real issues with hair cuts (and a few other sensory things) and has only recently been able to have a 'proper' one. I'd be incensed if anyone tried to do it particularly if I'd told them not to.

The 'i know best' attitude would stop me leaving dc with them to be honest.