AIBU to be upset (mil related sorry)

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

My mil and fil had my toddler overnight at there request ( not needed as I am on mat leave) my mil cut his lovely curly hair.
She had mentioned several times that it need doing but me and DH had made it clear we liked it longer

When I picked him up it wasn’t obvious but Fil said “we nearly cut his hair but didn’t” I said I was glad they hadn’t. When we got home and he had a bath and hair wash it became obvious it had been cut.

DH is working away but he text her asking if she had cut it. No reply for a few days. Then a reply “I cut the tatty bits off, it’s hardly a short back and sides”

Dh (still away) has told me he has spoke to her and told her not to do it again and has asked that we leave it at that.

I am upset for several reasons; mil decided it was her place to cut it against our wishes. it was his first hair cut ( so no curl for me to keep in his memory book) and Fil raised it and she didn’t admit she had cut it ( think perhaps fil didn’t know she had)

For context we usually have a good relationship and when I was working and when I go back to work Mil and Fil will do 1 day of childcare - again at their request

AIBU to feel so upset? Wwyd? Should I say something or accept DH has spoken to her and draw a line under it?

Thanks

Op I am betting your dh will insist there was an apology even if there wasn't...

My MIL was most indignant that I wouldn't let her give DD her first hair cut - she WAS a hairdresser but not a very good one as I sadly learnt when I let her cut my hair. She joked a few times about doing it behind my back but I made it clear I would be apoplectic if she did. Silly bitch. We are NC now for many other reasons but this was just typical behaviour for her. She thought because she was a mother first she knew better. My DH has issues because of his childhood and borderline neglect - she's a dickhead.
YANBU OP she deliberately undermined you to prove a point. Definitely find alternative childcare she's crossed the line massively

Yanbu - my m’n’law cut my sons fringe because she wanted to and I was furious. But it wasn’t his first hair cut - she just did an awful job and he was doing child acting at time so it meant he no longer looked like his very expensive photos!! But for me it was the fact my m’n’law decided to do it without checking with me. It’s the lack of boundaries and the respecting your right to bring up your child how you want. I do think you need to make a big fuss now - she’s got to realise you will not go quiet on boundary issues or something else will happen.

Thank you all for your responses. Me and the babies have had a busy day so not had chance to read them all but I will x

Fizzy spot on!

Whenever I have my grandson, it's pretty much the same sort of thing- we go shopping in the morning, lunch then a afternoon playing with toys and watching cbeebies, possibly might have to pop out in the afternoon. HOWEVER, if I ever deviate from our usual routine, (for example, we drove to a local garden centre one afternoon for tea and cake) I always check first and tell my daughter where we are just in case she finishes early and comes to get him. I had a hospital issue with my other daughter which meant I'd have to leave him at home briefly with my friend, who he knows very well and has been a family friend before my daughter was born. I still told my daughter what the plan was, just to make sure she was ok with it.
Looking after your grandchildren is the greatest honour your children can give to you, it shows they love you and trust your judgment to look after the most precious thing in their world. I'm so lucky.

What a weird thing to do! Id've been cross and wanted to know why they'd taken it upon themselves to do it. Fair enough if say he'd got something stuck in like chewing gum but this isn't the case. I'd meet and make it clear this is unacceptable. I'd be thinking...what are they going to do next, will he come home with an earring or something..its all about respecting your wishes and boundaries, they've lost it somewhere.

Wash your post almost made me feel cry.
My own dm never got to see her gc.
But Mil it's never enough, never good enough... An endless treadmill and an absolute taken for the granted right.
I hope I can be a gm like you. Grandchildren are a blessing.

My MIL did this. She has the kids for a night about once every 2 or 3 months. On several occasions my DD would come back with slightly different hair. I asked my MIL about it being cut and she always denied it. I said several times please don't cut her hair. She always denied it and my DD was to young to ask. I tried all sorts of things, including not mentioning it several times too. I think she got a kick out of doing something that wound me up. (Or i am completely paranoid and am unreasonably accussing her!) It was never enough to be 100% certain either way.

I decided that I would do stuff that's suits me as regards to PIL. I don't put myself out and i don't make a big deal of it. Our relationship is fine, but I remember this hair stuff and how upset and self doubting i was and the attitude that went with it and I frankly won't fully trust her.

Saysomethingnice thank you. I love my grandchildren, I'm so lucky that I get to see them so much. My daughter and son in law realise they are lucky too, my being available so much has enabled them to not have to pay massive nursery fees, and when my grandson was younger they could have days to themselves just to be themselves. Gonna cry when he goes to school!

Very lucky but the personality involved have facilited that.

I think if it were me i wouldn't be falling out but i would be removing babysitting privileges. I know people will say if someone if providing free child care they get to do as they please but this doesn't entitle anyone to overstep the mark like this grandparent or not.. i would of been very upset if my dad or mil did this behind my back yadnbu.

They should not have done that it was not their decision to make, i would calmly state my dissaproval at what they had done and ask that they do not do anything like that again without your say so! Ask how they would have liked it if someone had cut their ds (your dh) hair without them knowing or agreeing!!! My mil wouldn't do that sort of thing.

Think this thread is repeated often, MIL knows best. I would let it go, but let it be known if your wishes are disregarded again no matter how small (and that you will notice) then the one days childcare will be taken away.

My friend once did this to my dog when he was sitting her - and I was fuming! If someone did this to my daughter .... God help them is all I can say. Massive overstep of boundaries and NOT OK!

I’d be tempted to draw a line under it now, the dc having a good relationship with gp’s is important and o don’t this this is worth ruining this. That said I’d be fuming in your position, as you said, no first curl and no first cut for you.

I would however say that if they want to continue looking after the dc then they must run these types of decisions by you and under no circumstances should they go against your wishes again, mention trust etc. I’d also add that if it happens again you’ll put them into childcare and they can see them on family get togethers and that’s that.

Hopefully MIL apologised properly to DH. But I would still recommend insider the childcare aspect. My DM (not always NIKs you know!) looked after my DC 2 days/week so I tried to get her to follow our rules as she therefore was a primary care giver, but oh no!!!! She wanted to follow grandparent rules to spoil the DC. Fucking nightmare. Have reduced to one after school pick up now.

I would be fuming, because not only have they shown complete disregard for your wishes, the took your son's first haircut away from you, which I think is just cruel. I would be worried about what else she will do when you have told her not to.

Not insider - consider!

I would have been furious ...she had no right to do that and lying about it means she knew she was being a manipulative cow..

You do need to tell her you are upset about it though. But don't stop the grandparents from seeing him FGS! There are some ludicrous over-reactions on this thread! hmm

Agree totally. Cutting his hair whether it was a short back and sides or a trim is a hair cut and she should not have done it. Lying does makes it worse but it sounds like her first mistake. Going NC or stopping her looking after him for a day seems extreme. I'd draw a line under it and move on letting her know that she was out of order and if it happens again then she will only see DS under his parents supervision.

I'm sorry your pils are a pain. Nobody is discussing fil. He fibbed or didn't know? My fil kept my mil reined in. Use him as an ally.

Of course you can get a curl. Ds is not bald. I have several curls from the years.

Talk to dh. Find out his opinion. If this is a one-off, let it go. If not, try discussing the situation.

Did i read correctly that ds is second dc? Well?? That seems like a good indicator of their childcare abilities.

Take a deep breath. She was a jerk. Sleep on it. Talk to dh. Family is important, but safety is too. Best wishes.

You were lied to which is the worst part of this for me. I agree with others, find alternative childcare. I have idea why family members think it’s ok to go against a parent’s instructions. Good luck !

Id be trying to find a way to cut just the tatty bits off her bloody hair

My feelings about this as a granddaughter are different from those as a parent. My parents were the sort who 'wouldn't take any shit', asserted their boundaries forcefully etc, were quick to fall out with people, and tbh it make for an exhausting childhood full of conflict.

I wonder how many of us had relationships with grandparents that our parents were unhappy about, but which we are glad we had? My nan used to occasionally do things that my parents disapproved of, and she and my dad once had a fight over me which led to my parents moving out of their shared home. Yet, I treasure my memories of my nan and she was such an important part of my life, even though my dad didn't respect her. She provided love, stability, and a more mature point of view. As I grew older, time with her was a refuge from a difficult home life. It turned out that, in retrospect, my parents were unreasonable and controlling about lots of things and Nan was much more balanced. I'm so glad I had her influence in my life, even though it was much less than it might have been because of my parents assertively setting their boundaries. Now of course I'm not suggesting that anyone is unreasonable / controlling here - my point is that a grandparent can be such an important person in a child's life, and you don't know how important she might turn out to be until later.

Yes, OP's MIL did wrong, but she's been told. I'd make my boundaries clear and then move on and not change plans. It sounds like MIL loves the child and, from what you've said, is a good gran. Being cared for by people who love you is a good thing in life. You can't pay someone to love your child. If your child would be safe and loved being cared for by his gran one day a week, that's a wonderful thing which many people would love to have. Don't discard that in a hurry.