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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset (mil related sorry)

153 replies

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 18/01/2018 09:47

My mil and fil had my toddler overnight at there request ( not needed as I am on mat leave) my mil cut his lovely curly hair.
She had mentioned several times that it need doing but me and DH had made it clear we liked it longer

When I picked him up it wasn’t obvious but Fil said “we nearly cut his hair but didn’t” I said I was glad they hadn’t. When we got home and he had a bath and hair wash it became obvious it had been cut.

DH is working away but he text her asking if she had cut it. No reply for a few days. Then a reply “I cut the tatty bits off, it’s hardly a short back and sides”

Dh (still away) has told me he has spoke to her and told her not to do it again and has asked that we leave it at that.

I am upset for several reasons; mil decided it was her place to cut it against our wishes. it was his first hair cut ( so no curl for me to keep in his memory book) and Fil raised it and she didn’t admit she had cut it ( think perhaps fil didn’t know she had)

For context we usually have a good relationship and when I was working and when I go back to work Mil and Fil will do 1 day of childcare - again at their request

AIBU to feel so upset? Wwyd? Should I say something or accept DH has spoken to her and draw a line under it?

Thanks

OP posts:
marcheauxfleur · 18/01/2018 10:17

YANBU. I got my little boy's haircut and he had a lovely fashionable little side fringe he looked cool and cute. Sadly ex MIL didn't agree and he came back to my house after a weekend away looking like dumb and dumber!!! Mortifying.

I didn't say anything about it (no idea why) but I really wish I had now.

RhiannonOHara · 18/01/2018 10:17

I would drop it but find other childcare for when you go back to work, less because of the hair cut than the fact she lied about it.

Completely agree with this. Who does she think she is? I'd find it very hard indeed to trust her after this.

kinkajoukid · 18/01/2018 10:20

That's terrible. I would have a very hard time forgiving this (and wouldn't without a fulsome and genuine apology) becasue it is not so much about the sentimental apsects of baby hair, it is about people who don't respect you. I am too old and busy now to put up with people like that anymore and have gone NC with family who have done things like this and more, I and feel much better for it!

So I would take this seriously and let them know that you take it seriously. If they don't care about your feelings and your right to decide, then there sadly, is your answer. But they only have themselves to blame so don't feel bad for them.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/01/2018 10:21

She shouldn’t have cut it! Does it look better though?

Notasperfectasallothermners · 18/01/2018 10:24

Think long and hard about what other lines she could cross with unsupervised access to your dc.. For example my dc are vegetarian but my exmil claimed what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me if she fed them meat. She didn't have them on her own. My next now exmil (!) said she would dress my dd up in all the old mouldy (I kid you not) baby dresses she had bought from a church fair!! Again she didn't have her unsupervised.
I am a dgm and had lengthy talks with dil - at my request - about dgs and his care, needn't have worried, free rein given, but best to check!! Oh but I still wouldn't cut his hair!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/01/2018 10:25

I don't know why people say 'find other childcare' as if it were as easy as pie, and cost mere peanuts.
I would definitely let your MiL know - nicely but very firmly - that you're not happy, and will she please do no such thing in future.

liquidrevolution · 18/01/2018 10:26

Its the lying that makes it so bad. I would definitely get alternative childcare.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/01/2018 10:30

I wouldn't say anymore on the matter now OP, actions speak louder than words, find alternative childcare.

Hullygully · 18/01/2018 10:31

It's a hard one, on the one hand if you had expressly said "don't cut his hair" then of course they shouldn't, and they certainly should have the grace to apologise. On the other hand, going forwards, people aren't robots and not only will they mostly do what they think best if they are in charge of the child, it isn't necessarily a bad thing as the child learns about different behaviours with different people etc etc (unless they are injecting it with heroin or encouraging it to play with the traffic of course).

Overall, the grandparent relationship is very important and it is of course hard to find childcare. I think I'd say to them that I found it a bit odd that they lied and that I'd prefer it if they didn't. Then give the childcare a go and see how it goes.

LoveShouldBeALockedDoor · 18/01/2018 10:31

Normally I'd say "its only hair, it grows back" but its the general attitude of PILs that would have pissed me off OP. You and your DH have said you like his hair long - it should have been left. Make it crystal clear if she touches his hair again to cut it there will be no more visits because as parents your wishes aren't being respected.
I actually have this with my MIL she constantly undermines me and my husband with our parenting decisions. At first it was just now and again until she realized we paid her no attention then she started doing what she pleased with my DD. The final straw in my case was when she decided to sneak our sleeping DD out of our house at 4 months old to take her for a walk, on her own because they had no time to "bond". Me and DH woke up to find the front door unlocked, our baby gone and his DM missing. I could have happily strangled her when they eventually returned 3 HOURS LATER!!

WashBasketsAreUs · 18/01/2018 10:31

My grandson had quite long wispy hair at one point and needed it cutting. However it was not up to me to cut it, even tho lots of people commented on it when I saw them. ( I looked after him a lot when he was small, my daughter was doing a second degree so I had him nearly full time some weeks)
Anyway, I had my friend round to cut my hair and when my daughter came to pick him up she asked why I hadn't got my friend to trim his hair at the same time! You can't win.
Btw he goes with daddy to get his hair cut now.
It's very difficult when grandparents are willing to look after children but they have different ideas to you. My daughter was very anti- reins, but that was one thing I wouldn't compromise on; he's not my child, he's bloody fast and I'm not as quick or nimble as I was. We've got a good system, he had reins (now a set of back pack reins) and everyone is happy.

The hair thing is more about the ignoring your wishes than the actual haircut, and if I was you I'd talk to them and explain your feelings. Give them a chance to be better in the future but make it absolutely clear that nursery on "their" day will be a definite option if anything like that happens again. Good luck.

justforthisthread101 · 18/01/2018 10:32

Another one agreeing it's the lie that's the problem.

Don't get into a childcare arrangement with them OP - you don't need that kind of hassle.

Princess9891 · 18/01/2018 10:32

Tell her if she touches your sons hair again without your permission, you'll go round with clippers and shave her head. Bet that will make her think twice.

Glitterypinksoap · 18/01/2018 10:35

The issue isn't the hair, it's that PiL have made it clear that you can express your wishes all you like: when they get your child alone they will do what they want, in full knowledge you said no, and feel perfectly entitled to do this and to tell you to get over it. No, I wouldn't trust my child to someone who had demonstrated this mind set to me, I'd be too worried about what else they would feel entitled to do. And I'd be furious that DH felt the responsibility for healing the breach they caused and sucking up the feelings to protect others was all mine and not theirs. They don't get to do something this rude to you and then expect you not to get upset or react in case it 'upsets them'.

Dagnabit · 18/01/2018 10:36

Regardless of what your dh has said about leaving it at that, you should certainly have the opportunity to have your say. You will stew on it forever and really resent her, whereas if you tell her how it makes you distrust her and that there will be no more second chances, you may feel you can move on from this.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 18/01/2018 10:41

If this is anything like my MIL it's as much a fashion thing as much as anything - she thinks little boys should have short hair and anything long or wispy is an embarrassment and she practically scalped my nephew when he was a toddler. No such concerns about her DGDs of course...

blackberryfairy · 18/01/2018 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaltAndPeppaPig · 18/01/2018 10:51

I think it's pretty disgusting she did that without your consent. I'd definitely have trust issues leaving my child with them in the future over this.

RhiannonOHara · 18/01/2018 10:52

if you had expressly said "don't cut his hair" then of course they shouldn't

I really can't see how the absence of an explicit diktat not to cut a child's hair means that GPs can and should cut the hair.

the child learns about different behaviours with different people. Yes, fine in the context of maybe giving the child biscuits as a treat that they only get at the GPs, or whatever, but again, I think cutting hair goes a bit beyond 'different behaviours'. I also fail to see what a child would learn from a GP cutting their hair, TBH.

Original poster
Marlboroandmalbec34 · 18/01/2018 10:55

We don’t need the childcare, both are booked in nursery for my other work days and my son is very settled there already, of course it would make finances a bit tighter but we had budgeted for all my working days before I went back after dc1. My ILs requested that they have one day, I wfh and they had my son in my home so it worked well ( they live an hour away) they asked to continue this when I go back from having dc2.
Family is important to me and I love the fact my son is close with his gps, as I said on the whole they are fantastic, yes he eats too much chocolate on there watch but I kind of think Gps should spoil their gc.
It’s the disregard for my and dh wishes on this ( which we made clear as they mentioned his hair many times) the not just telling the truth and then the attitude and no apology ( that I am aware of) I will speak to dh when he gets home to find out exactly what she said and if there was an apology.

OP posts:
Kittypillar · 18/01/2018 10:58

I really wouldn't be happy at all OP! Completely understand why you're upset by this.

As plenty of people have said, I wouldn't get in to a childcare arrangement with them - I know there's the cost side of it but the lying about the haircut and the response she had when she was called out on it means that this could be a problem that constantly comes up with lots of other things too. It would make me worried/annoyed enough that it wouldn't feel worth it.

SandAndSea · 18/01/2018 10:59

I honestly don't know what happens to some women that makes them do these things when they become in-laws and/or grandparents. (I speak as someone with both a mil and a dil.)

She shouldn't have done it. Had she made a genuine mistake, she should have apologised sincerely. Why wouldn't she? Anything else is just nonsense (and she knows it).

Seasonseatings · 18/01/2018 11:00

You can still get a curl to keep? they couldn't have cut much off if you didn't notice it at first?

However to go against your wishes is wrong, I would raise it with her then let it go for the sake of future relations.

Regards childcare, how much longer do you have before going back to work? I think I would be seeing how some more childcare went before making a decision either way, I would be setting some expectations that nursery will be used at some point (free hours or before).

MammaTJ · 18/01/2018 11:00

if you had expressly said "don't cut his hair" then of course they shouldn't

I do not need to be told to not get my DGD hair cut/get her ears pierced/let her out to play on her own, they are decisions I naturally expect my DD and DSIL to make about their child!

CheesyWeez · 18/01/2018 11:00

A woman once cut my daughter's hair "because she asked me to" (she was only just 2 ffs!) I was absolutely furious and so upset. I never ever spoke to her again and stopped our EOW reciprocal babysitting arrangement. I got my DH to deal with her and she couldn't even see what was wrong with cutting a fringe into someone else's toddler's hair without permission.
I just kept thinking "what would she cut off next?" and had to look at the haircut for months while it grew out.
I feel for you OP and you don't have to luxury of never talking to them again. You'll have to make them understand how upsetting it is. I'm glad DH is with you on it. Make it clear what is not acceptable in the future.

LittleCandle you sound like a lovely grandparent. Very good advice!