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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset (mil related sorry)

153 replies

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 18/01/2018 09:47

My mil and fil had my toddler overnight at there request ( not needed as I am on mat leave) my mil cut his lovely curly hair.
She had mentioned several times that it need doing but me and DH had made it clear we liked it longer

When I picked him up it wasn’t obvious but Fil said “we nearly cut his hair but didn’t” I said I was glad they hadn’t. When we got home and he had a bath and hair wash it became obvious it had been cut.

DH is working away but he text her asking if she had cut it. No reply for a few days. Then a reply “I cut the tatty bits off, it’s hardly a short back and sides”

Dh (still away) has told me he has spoke to her and told her not to do it again and has asked that we leave it at that.

I am upset for several reasons; mil decided it was her place to cut it against our wishes. it was his first hair cut ( so no curl for me to keep in his memory book) and Fil raised it and she didn’t admit she had cut it ( think perhaps fil didn’t know she had)

For context we usually have a good relationship and when I was working and when I go back to work Mil and Fil will do 1 day of childcare - again at their request

AIBU to feel so upset? Wwyd? Should I say something or accept DH has spoken to her and draw a line under it?

Thanks

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 18/01/2018 14:19

Mmm, it sounds like your MIL gave in to temptation and lied to cover it up. As others have mentioned I have also been tempted to cut my dgd's hair to make it look neater though I didn't. However, on the down side, I'm not such a brilliant grandmother.

Amatree · 18/01/2018 14:25

They have broken your trust and disregarded your express wishes about your son. It doesn't matter that it was a haircut - it could have been anything but the damage is done. No way could I have them looking after my child after that. Pay for childcare and keep the grandparent relationship separate so you're not beholden to them in any way, then if they do anything similar you can go appropriately batshit without hesitation.

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2018 14:28

Why is it ok for the OP and her DH to be upset and not MiL?

blackberryfairy · 18/01/2018 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggsonHeads · 18/01/2018 14:34

YANBU to be upset but it is not a big deal and you need to get over it in your own time. It's not worth loosing the relationship over.

lynmilne65 · 18/01/2018 14:37

Doing anything my dil wouldn't approve of fills me with terror !!!

robertaplumkin · 18/01/2018 14:39

some MIL are bananas i wouobe leaving my child there this doesn't bode well.

Imsorrynow · 18/01/2018 14:46

It’s such a shame that the silly woman has spoiled what has been, up until now, a good relationship. Whatever was she thinking?
I’d certainly let her know that you’re upset but hopefully then you’ll be able to draw a line under it.
If there’s a next time then maybe reconsider your child care arrangements.

Coyoacan · 18/01/2018 14:50

some MIL are bananas Some DIL are bananas too but I don't think this is the case here though. She shouldn't have done it but a trim is not the same as a haircut. And lying about it was not very mature

BewareOfDragons · 18/01/2018 14:53

A trim certainly is a haircut; it involves cutting hair. And it was not her place to cut her grandchild's hair. She knew it wasn't her place, too, as she'd been told and then lied about it and then went offensive on it.

I would tell your DH you are reconsidering the childcare from his parents because of the way she has behaved. If you can't trust her to do what you expect, then she certainly can't look after your most valued thing, your DCs.

Megs4x3 · 18/01/2018 14:54

Ok, as a MIL I would never do something that my DD or DDIL expressly asked me not to and I would never do anything that had unchangeable consequences without asking about it either - and the unchangeable consequences here are that you will never get your baby's 'first hair cut' back. However, it wasn't his first 'proper' hair cut if you didn't really notice it and you can save a bit from next time. That said, I'm not justifying your MIL's behaviour. I have 2 DGC that I would love to get the scissors to, each for different reasons, but it's not my decision to make. To answer your questions, I'd draw a line under it for now, but a dotted line so that you can keep a very careful eye on the future. It doesn't bode well for future requests to do or not do anything, but I don't think it warrants changing your arrangements for child care or cutting her off completely for now. I don't understand grandparents who don't seem to get the a grandchild is not their child and they have no right to make decisions about anything very much. Hopefully your MIL has learned not to mess with the rules.

Roomba · 18/01/2018 14:55

I'd be livid if someone else decided to give my child their first haircut without asking! I felt funny when my 5yo's stepmother got his hair cut without asking last week, it felt like an implied criticism of me in a weird way. Then I got a grip and reminded myself it was getting in his eyes and she was just trying to save me a job as she had time to take him. If she'd done his first hair cut I would be extremely unhappy though - if she lied about it she wouldn't be seeing him unsupervised again!

lynmilne65 · 18/01/2018 14:55

Touch my cats and die !

Piffle11 · 18/01/2018 14:59

I think you need to rethink their childcare offer too: you are always going to wonder if they are doing what you have asked rather than what they want ... my BIL had this with his DS. MIL had him 1 day per week and basically did whatever she wanted: fed him so much crap (I was there when BIL asked her never to give his 3 year old DS Pringles and yet whenever I was there he was shovelling them down his throat), let him nap when he should have been up (as it 'suited' MIL and her OH to have him awake at his usual naptime), she even undid all BIL's toilet training by making the child wear pull up pants whenever she took him anywhere and just told him to wee himself as it was 'less trouble' for her!!! I'm still convinced that she gave my entirely breast fed DS1 formula once: he used to feed every 2-3 hours - she took him for 'a half hour walk' and 5 hours later I was past myself ... no answer on her house phone, her mobile switched off, and her OH had no idea where she was. When she brought him back he didn't feed for another 2 hours, so 7 hours after she'd taken him. I just think it can be a slippery slope when it comes to GPs doing what they want, and once you have accepted their childcare it's going to be more difficult to get back out of it.

CuppaTeaTime2 · 18/01/2018 14:59

It was wrong for her to do that but draw a line under it.

She should have had permission from you or DH before having his hair cut and it should have been done by a professional. It's up to you and your DH how you cut his hair.

Next time she has your DS, you or DH need to make it clear that she is not to cut his hair/have it cut.

CuppaTeaTime2 · 18/01/2018 15:01

Comments about reconsidering childcare are too far.

Your MiL was probably thinking that she didn't want DS to look scruffy and thought she could tidy his hair up whilst keeping it long still. It seems like she was a bit of a bull in a china shop but with a good heart.

Just make it clear you don't want her to do it again.

Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:04

I wouldn’t be letting him see her for a while. Massive crossing of lines!
It’s the deceit more than anything!

FizzyGreenWater · 18/01/2018 15:07

Next time she has your DS, you or DH need to make it clear that she is not to cut his hair/have it cut.

They did!

Her reply?

'Whatevs, done it now'

TwoBobs · 18/01/2018 15:11

I would be furious! My son had curly hair but once he had his first haircut, the lovely curls never grew back.

I wouldn't trust them for childcare as I think that they would override you on other things.

You have not caused a rift, they have!

Perhaps say to your husband 'imagine if I didn't like an item of their furniture like their sofa. They said they like it but I decided I knew best and binned it? How would they feel?'

ChasedByBees · 18/01/2018 15:12

I wouldn’t let them look after your DC unsupervised again.

TwoBobs · 18/01/2018 15:14

I would do what OhCalamity suggested. Cool off for a bit so they know that they've upset you without having a confrontation.

I would still look for alternative childcare though. I wouldn't be able to trust them with other things.

MissP103 · 18/01/2018 15:16

I don't blame you. Her answer was very defensive. So just imagine what else she thinks is minor to her and goes ahead. Best thing to do is find other childcare. Her reaction will tell you all the future problems you can expect.

sirlee66 · 18/01/2018 15:22

God I'm furious for you!!! How dare they! I would not allow unsupervised visits from now on. I wouldn't even trust your husband as it's clear he just wants an easy life and seems to be under his darling mother's thumb.

What else would they lie about and how low would the pair of stoop to deceive you. They clearly don't respect your parental decisions and so you should not trust them.

Their actions have a consequence.

The only way I'd consider letting then have unsupervised access again is if you for a sincere apology and you believe that they both are fully aware they overstepped the mark and breeched your trust.

petbear · 18/01/2018 15:28

What else would they lie about and how low would the pair of stoop to deceive you. They clearly don't respect your parental decisions and so you should not trust them.

Their actions have a consequence.

The only way I'd consider letting then have unsupervised access again is if you for a sincere apology and you believe that they both are fully aware they overstepped the mark and breeched your trust.

Bit of an OTT reaction @sirlee66

petbear · 18/01/2018 15:28

She should NOT have cut your son's hair, but as a few people have said, it can't have been THAT much if you didn't even notice for a while.

You do need to tell her you are upset about it though. But don't stop the grandparents from seeing him FGS! There are some ludicrous over-reactions on this thread!

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