AIBU to be upset (mil related sorry)

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

My mil and fil had my toddler overnight at there request ( not needed as I am on mat leave) my mil cut his lovely curly hair.
She had mentioned several times that it need doing but me and DH had made it clear we liked it longer

When I picked him up it wasn’t obvious but Fil said “we nearly cut his hair but didn’t” I said I was glad they hadn’t. When we got home and he had a bath and hair wash it became obvious it had been cut.

DH is working away but he text her asking if she had cut it. No reply for a few days. Then a reply “I cut the tatty bits off, it’s hardly a short back and sides”

Dh (still away) has told me he has spoke to her and told her not to do it again and has asked that we leave it at that.

I am upset for several reasons; mil decided it was her place to cut it against our wishes. it was his first hair cut ( so no curl for me to keep in his memory book) and Fil raised it and she didn’t admit she had cut it ( think perhaps fil didn’t know she had)

For context we usually have a good relationship and when I was working and when I go back to work Mil and Fil will do 1 day of childcare - again at their request

AIBU to feel so upset? Wwyd? Should I say something or accept DH has spoken to her and draw a line under it?

Thanks

YANBU. I would be furious! Not about the haircut but about the fact that MIL ignored my wishes and then lied about it. I'd cancel the one day per week childcare and tell her it's because she can't be trusted to respect my decisions with regard to DC. She needs to understand that there are consequences from not respecting your wishes.

Fuck

That

they would not be seeing my dc unsupervised. they would not be seeing them at all until I got an apology that showed they actually understood how wrong it was.

how can anyone not know that cutting off precious first baby curls is a massive violation? Poor OP

You can't go through the next decade or more wondering what else she will she do and then lie about. If it were me it would be no more visits alone until your child is old enough to defend himself from her cutting bits off him or teaching him to lie by example.

She lied to you about what she did with your child when he was in her care.

I would not now be willing for her to do childcare.

It's not about hair. It's about, at some level, her thinking that because he's her GC she has the right to disregard your wishes. That he's 'hers', not someone else's child.

I think pretty much all issues with GC/parents spring more or less from this. You have grandparents who fundamentally respect the fact that their GC are not theirs. They are in a position of trust, just as you are when you have children over for playdates. You look after them but you absolutely don't see yourself as having fundamental control of them. Then there are the ones who don't think like this. They see their GC as somehow an extension of 'their kids' - their children's own children - and feel as if they get ot have a say. Worst case scenario, they actually see themselves as the more 'senior' parental-type figures and undermine, overrule - and that's where trouble starts. This is where you are.

Would it ever occur to you to trim a child's hair when you had them over for a play date, because you thought it needed it? No. Imagine how you'd have to view that child before you felt it ok to do that. Imagine how patronising an attitude you'd have to have towards their actual parents to be able to do that.

So - it's just hair. It's just one thing. Only it's not. It's an indication of how they see your children. And it does not bode well for good relationships in the future.

You would be sensible to make sure that they know, preferably through your DH, how unacceptable this is. They ruined a special thing for you with your child which wa sabsolutely none of their business, but worse than that, as you say, they broke your trust. You asked them not to do something, and they thought about it, and decided your opinion as the parent wasn't good enough for them.

Nursery, I think.

OP, I can understand why you're upset about this because your MIL (and FIL) did cover it up and mislead you when they knew this was something you didn't want them to do. I expect they're both embarrassed.

As you've said, your husband has spoken to them now and been categorical in his stance (for both of you) that your son's hair is not to be touched again. If it were me, I wouldn't be looking for an apology because this is family and they've been put straight. I would leave it.

You've said several times about childcare that this is not that scenario but posters are ignoring that and I think they're also projecting some poor PIL relationships onto what's happened here. You have an excellent relationship with yours so - their card has been marked - don't look for repeated instances where there are none and continue as you are. This is not worth spoiling that relationship for and I don't see it as the shape of things to come or indicative of any other disrespect either.

I wouldn't start I fight over it but they definitely need to earn back some trust. I would leave it for now, tell your husband your not happy that his mother lied and didn't even apologise when called out on it so he is aware of your feelings. I would maybe avoid them babysitting for a little while til you feel a bit better about the situation. If they ask to have your child I would be honest and say you aren't ready yet as you were hurt they cut his hair when they knew you didn't want to and they then lied about it. If the they apologise it may help you move on and don't loose the good relationship you have.

You could ask her for a lock. You can bet she kept some, it may be why she cut it though why she wouldn't just ask you for a lock I have no idea - maybe she thought you mightn't remember? Or maybe she had a locket she wants to fill?

When I lived at home withdd1 . I went for a shower one morning came down to see dm had cut my daughter's hair , I was so angry but I let it go it wasn't the only overstepping she did , now when I look back I wish I had moved out sooner . I love my parents and have a good relationship with them butmy dm really made living there difficult with her 'help'.

I'm always baffled when (whatever the situation) the victim of someone else's behaviour is told not to 'damage the relationship' by reacting to the offense.

The relationship has already been damaged, by the aggressor. The aggressor did not care enough about the relationship or the victim to not commit the offense. This is merely asking the victim to take responsibility for maintaining a now fictionally positive relationship for the sake of no one else but the victim having to feel uncomfortable.

I had a MIL like this, thankfully now ex-MIL. Her behaviour & attitude only got worse & I felt trapped into her having my son regularly so as not to upset the Apple cart. When I split from son’s Dad, I made sure I only used paid for, professional childcare for all my kids from then on.

OP could have dealt with this herself with her PIL, Glittery, she chose not to, passing it to her husband. All fair enough, but what's the point of going on about it when she asked for him to speak to them, he did and it's sorted.

It's not a 'fictional positive relationship' if you read the OP either, but perhaps you know better?

Victim? Please! OP isn't behaving like one (to her credit), so why are you pushing that awful term on her?

That would make me cross, that's for sure, but it's clear that you usually get on well with them so it should be possible to talk to them about it, make it clear they've overstepped the mark on this occasion? Then you can move on from this. It's great that your DCs can have a positive relationship with all their GPs.

I fucking hate over bearing parents or in laws that seem to think they have some kind of rights over their grandchildren. It’s fucked up and I feel so bad for you op.
I’d be devastated if mine did that to my dc.
Going forward I don’t know what toy can do, realistically if you want a relationship, as hard as it will be you’ll probably have to try and forget but I’d never forgive to be honest!!

As someone said earlier FUCK THAT!
First hair cut...lying about it...brushing it off....NOPE!! Waaaay overstepping there.....id step right back and not allow unsupervised visits until much later on. Shocking behaviour

'It's a hard one, on the one hand if you had expressly said "don't cut his hair" then of course they shouldn't, and they certainly should have the grace to apologise. On the other hand, going forwards, people aren't robots and not only will they mostly do what they think best if they are in charge of the child, it isn't necessarily a bad thing as the child learns about different behaviours with different people etc etc (unless they are injecting it with heroin or encouraging it to play with the traffic of course).'

I don't agree with this. It's not a matter of people being robots, it's a matter of people understanding where the line is when it comes to respecting others. Just going ahead and cutting the hair of a child that isn't yours clearly crosses that line and if someone needs to be told that (and then doesn't apologise when told) then they're just not trustworthy IMO. I've learned this after numerous different instances in different circumstances - if a person crosses a line, no matter how trivial the thing is, you've been warned that they don't respect you and you should expect more of the same or worse. Now, of course if the person genuinely makes a mistake, is mortified and apologises then you can be fairly sure they won't do the same thing again (although I'd still feel they're a bit unreliable) but if they just brush you off and make out it's no big deal then I think there's not much that can make that situation better - you just have to accept that they don't respect you and act accordingly. My MIL is a pain and I knew she desperately wanted to cut my son's hair but she never asked and she never went ahead and did it - so I then asked her to get it cut as a gesture of trust and respect. I may not be very keen on her but I know she is a fantastic grandparent and that's one of the many ways she's shown it.

Amazing post fizzy.

Glitter same here why should op put up and shut up

I concur with fizzy.. And even if you allow them time alone in future I think you need to kick up a stink here.
The... It's hardly a full cut comment is rude and defensive.

For all the other posters talking about dc needing a hair cut how can anyone judge what the ultimate looking hair is, it's subjective. Personally I can't stand boys with harsh clipped hair, if you love this look then perhaps even the tiniest bit of length would look like it needs cutting to you.
To me a harsh short hair cut looks hideous so to me I would want the hair as long as possible.

Who is right??!!

It matters not, it's op son hair and I'm afraid fizzy is right when I you think of the minds set behind the transgression

It's completely understandable that you're upset, I would be. And you definitely need to discuss this with your Mil and let her know, quietly and calmly, that you're pissed off and why.

BUT if this is gold standard child care in every other respect, surely you're cutting off your nose to spite your face if you make other arrangements. Your child's feelings must also be taken into account, how would it be in his interests to be taken away from the granny you say he adores and left with a stranger?

That would be the end of unsupervised visits for me.

And definitely no to providing childcare

Le croissant another excellent post

"If I cant trust you to do what Ive asked then maybe you shouldnt have him any more. You'll still see him sometimes, its hardly like you'll never see him again".

I just can't get worked up about childrens hair. I have never understood the enormous weight some people attach to it.

It's hair...it grows back.

I've noticed Mothers of boys are particularly precious about it.

I know I might get flamed for saying that but it's true. Can anyone explain it to me?

My friend's son had collar length curly hair for ages ...till he was about 6 and his Mum and Dad were very admiring and protective of it but it looked dreadful.

Was often matted and always in his eyes...scraggy. People often mentioned it and they would say "We're not cutting his beautiful hair!"

Poor child...they did cut some off eventually.

Your post doesn't make much sense Cheap. You're saying you're not bothered about hair but then you go on quite a bit about the hair of a child of a friend and call him 'poor child' because of it, so clearly you do attach some importance to it. Why did it bother you at all?

"It’s the disregard for my and dh wishes on this ( which we made clear as they mentioned his hair many times) "

I reads as if they they were just waiting for a chance & took it!

I would want to withdraw childcare on the grounds of the lying & now no trust.

Is your husband determined thatthey should do childcare once a week?

I would never trust them again. I'd be livid.
I'd make them see the consequences of their actions.