AIBU to be upset (mil related sorry)

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

My mil and fil had my toddler overnight at there request ( not needed as I am on mat leave) my mil cut his lovely curly hair.
She had mentioned several times that it need doing but me and DH had made it clear we liked it longer

When I picked him up it wasn’t obvious but Fil said “we nearly cut his hair but didn’t” I said I was glad they hadn’t. When we got home and he had a bath and hair wash it became obvious it had been cut.

DH is working away but he text her asking if she had cut it. No reply for a few days. Then a reply “I cut the tatty bits off, it’s hardly a short back and sides”

Dh (still away) has told me he has spoke to her and told her not to do it again and has asked that we leave it at that.

I am upset for several reasons; mil decided it was her place to cut it against our wishes. it was his first hair cut ( so no curl for me to keep in his memory book) and Fil raised it and she didn’t admit she had cut it ( think perhaps fil didn’t know she had)

For context we usually have a good relationship and when I was working and when I go back to work Mil and Fil will do 1 day of childcare - again at their request

AIBU to feel so upset? Wwyd? Should I say something or accept DH has spoken to her and draw a line under it?

Thanks

Am I really the only person who thinks this little boy's best interests and fondness of his grandparents might be of a bit of importance here?

I’d drop the hair cutting incident (but you have every right to be unhappy about it) because well it’s done now. However, I’d make alternative arrangements for childcare. The haircut won’t be the last time this sort of thing happens and it will definitely sour relations between you all.

You seem to all be so emotionally invested in what is a hair cut.
She didn't cut of your childs legs.
I think she now knows that you are upset, but have you really thought this through.

In taking the child away from people who will be loving an supportive of the child they love, because she did something thoughtless.

The continuing cost of child care..
5 hours at £25 ..

50 weeks at £1250..

That's a nice holiday each year your going to pass up in fees.

Then at school time when your child is ill and the Grandparents off to cover so you can work.

Nights out where they baby sit. or weekends away..

Your better off to take the bull by the horns , explain how it upset you and ASK her to check before she does things, make sure she knows that sometimes when asked you will say yes.

OP could have dealt with this herself with her PIL, Glittery, she chose not to, passing it to her husband. All fair enough, but what's the point of going on about it when she asked for him to speak to them, he did and it's sorted.

Obviously it's not sorted to the OP's feelings and sense of satisfaction, or she wouldn't have bothered posting about it?

It's not a 'fictional positive relationship' if you read the OP either, but perhaps you know better?

Nice bit of rudeness there. If you re read my post 'NOW fictional positive relationship' is the phrase: it might have been positive but due to the actions of the PiL it isn't now. The OP is being asked to cover her feelings and pretend the relationship hasn't been damaged for her. Pretend = fictional.

Victim? Please! OP isn't behaving like one (to her credit), so why are you pushing that awful term on her?

If you re read my post you'll see I was talking about hypothetical situations involving one person performing negative behaviour and another person who is a recipient of the negative behaviour. Aggressor and victim are common short hand for those positions in a debate.

I get that hair grows back etc but surely that's not the point, the point is that it wasn't up to the grandparents to cut his hair. His parents should make that choice, they didn't ask and then lied about it so obviously they knew the OP didn't want his hair cut.
My dd has very curly hair, I'm constantly been told by people with straight hair (mil, and my sister) that it needs to be cut. It doesn't, it's fine and curly like mine and currently only comes to her shoulders, cutting it won't stop it being fly away and ringlets, she's my dd and I know how to handle her hair. If they took it upon themselves to cut her hair I would be mad not because of the hair cut necessarily but because they purposefully went behind my back.

It's not the hair cut it's the lying and going against dil and ds wishes.
They clearly think they know best when it comes to caring for your ds even when it's against your wishes and are happy to lie about it and then become defensive when caught out- for those reasons I would also seek alternative childcare.

One way of dealing with it is to be very busy for a few weeks and not see them. My MIL is lovely but there was one time she upset me by overstepping her boundaries and she knew she upset me.

My SIL advised me as above. I was busy for a couple of months between work and finishing off a hobby project so I stopped making time to visit.

DP was free to bring DS though but usually didn't bother. Through my absence she realised how much I facilitated contact and good relations between DS/DP and them and if I was not going to stop doing that, her relationship with them would change. It worked nicely with no confrontation or drama. After my project was done, I resumed visiting but the message had been received loud and clear and we've had a great relationship since. We are good friends and there's a lot of mutual respect.

YANBU, she shouldn't have cut his hair without your permission. Personally, I would make sure she knew I was unhappy about it and that she shouldn't do anything like that again. Then I would leave it. If there was a repeat incident then I would stop her from having him without me there.

Report them to Social Services.

Some dramatic responses on here. Yes the child's hair should not have been cut and yes the MIL needs it reiterating that she has no place in cutting his hair but for some to say they'd end contact! Get a grip.

OP does he look better for his trim?

I would just be clear next time you drop him off with them that you were dissappointed that she ignored you.

Something along the lines of "Thanks so much for having him, he's really excited to be with you. Oh and just to get it out of the way, I was upset you cut his hair. I thought I'd mentioned that we didn't want it cut and I have now missed out on his first haircut. Please can you check with me on stuff like that?"

I think you need to tell her why you are upset. She undermined you and she stole a little milestone. Perhaps if you tell her in a nice way, she'll get it. She was wrong, nip this behaviour in the bud.

she stole a little milestone What does this mean?

I've skimmed the post but not seen anyone say no contact - just no unsupervised contact. She can't be trusted to respect the parent's wishes. And then they lied about it, as they knew it was not their place to cut his hair.

Derxa

OP said she was said that she had missed the milestone of her DS's is first haircut and didn't have get to keep his first lock of hair which is something she would have done. MIL took this option away from her.

That's all I meant.

*Sad not Said

What @OhCalamity said.... I've had a similar situation and it's worked out very well.
DH loves his parents but is very lazy with calling and never texts or replies, not on purpose- he's just not focused on that stuff when he's at work. I however send pics and videos almost daily. MIL massively crossed the line recently and I was very hurt as a result. I felt fake messaging her like I normally would because she'd upset me so much, so I backed off for a while... she's since been so much more considerate of my feelings and it's helped our relationship tremendously.

Ok, to wind back to what (OP says) actually happened:

When I picked him up it wasn’t obvious but Fil said “we nearly cut his hair but didn’t” I said I was glad they hadn’t. When we got home and he had a bath and hair wash it became obvious it had been cut.

DH is working away but he text her asking if she had cut it. No reply for a few days. Then a reply “I cut the tatty bits off, it’s hardly a short back and sides”

Be honest, how many of you would not be raging that someone actually dealt with you in this way when you pulled them up on something they'd done, which was your responsibility not theirs, which you'd asked them not to do and they'd gone and done it anyway??

OP said please don't do this with my child.
MIL does it. Seemingly lies to FIL about it, incidentally.
OP and her DH pull her up on it.
She takes days to have the manners to reply. Then she basically tells you quite rudely to swivel. 'It's hardly a short back and sides' OMG.

It's good that OP's next step is to double-check whether there was any acknowledgment that she was out of order. But from that description, I doubt it. Illustrates in spades what I outlined above - she feels that in some sense, your kids are her business too and she'll deal with things how she wants to.

Those folk saying let it go, grandparent relationship is more important etc. - it's because this relationship is important that this needs addressing. Send the message now that this isn't going to be the way things work, and with luck the message gets through and everyone knows the boundaries - as OhCalamity illustrates above. Leave it, and watch this happen with other things again and again, until you grow to dislike MIL and end up really not wanting her to be too close, or worse still finally falling out properly.

'No, we think nursery is best after all. The hair cutting thing really upset me and that's not fair on you, we don't want to fall out over doing things differently so it's really for the best that we separate grandparent time from childcare. Then you two can get to be granny and grandad not childcare! Much better for everyone :) '

She'll get the message. There's no relationship without trust, and you don't intend for her to think she gets to call the shots.

My mum cut my son's hair. She made a terrible job of it and it looked ridiculous for ages. But it's only hair, it grows back and although you are not unreasonable to be Angry, it's not worth ruining family relations if they are otherwise good.

When MIL fed my DC something I has expressly asked her not to, I did the same as OhCalamity, a sort of time out. We never saw as much of MIL after that because life was better without her. Nobody missed her. We hadn't realised how much drama she caused until she wasn't around.

My FIL caught her in the act and stopped her?

^ Sorry, that should read: MAYBE FIL caught her...

FizzyGreenWater says it well. The dynamic of this relationship needs to be addressed. I posted before suggesting a little leeway, but I can't disagree with what you say Fizzy.

I do think this is a big deal. I would take it as an implicit criticism of my parenting, and as interfering and intrusive. I wouldn't expect someone looking after my cat to cut off pieces of his fur or whiskers, let alone a child.

I think this is perfect:

"'No, we think nursery is best after all. The hair cutting thing really upset me and that's not fair on you, we don't want to fall out over doing things differently so it's really for the best that we separate grandparent time from childcare. Then you two can get to be granny and grandad not childcare! Much better for everyone smile "

My ex mil took my then 9 year old daughter to the hairdressers and got her long hair cut into a short bob. This was on a weekend when they were staying with my ex. My daughter was really upset and apparently, was crying in the hairdressers.
I was beyond furious and had a right go at my mil!
Of course it's wrong! I would never do that to my grandchild.