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Original poster

To think my mum will forgive me?

260 replies

McGertie · 20/09/2017 14:44

For eloping abroad without telling her?

Background is been together 10 years, engaged for three. About to adopt (almost finished process) and always said we'd wait til kids were here for wedding. But now that it's come round we just want to be married. Have booked wedding abroad just us & 4 guests (who we're going on this holiday anyway already).

Can't tell my mum as she'll want to come which means DPs dad will want to, id have to invite my dad (knowing he couldn't come) as well as extended family etc. Suddenly turns into this big who-ha we don't want & cant afford. But I feel AWFUL for not telling my mum...

Would you forgive your daughter & understand or would you just be hurt?

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 20/09/2017 14:49

Nothing to forgive, imo. Her life, her choice. And we'd have a little celebration when she told us.

Outlookmainlyfair · 20/09/2017 14:49

Step son did this, no one was remotely hurt as it was his day not ours and so long as he was happy so were we!

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 20/09/2017 14:51

You don't even have to tell her at all.

Get a blessing or something at a later date if you want to and pretend that's when you married, or just never mention it.

Moregilmoregirls · 20/09/2017 14:51

Well it really depends on the type of person she is, my mum would be fine with it as she would be happy for us, MIL however would go into an almighty sulk and prob never speak to me again... hmmm suddenly seems tempting Grin

Is your mum a reasonable person? If do sure she'll be disappointed but should forgive you. Good luck and congratulations

selfishcrab · 20/09/2017 14:52

I'd be upset if it was one of my DC's sorry, I know the it's their life etc but I'd still be hurt.
Do the friends you've booked holiday with know you've booked a wedding too?

vivaVasLagas · 20/09/2017 14:53

I'd be heartbroken. Forgive but not forget, I suspect.

Why would it cost you much money for your parents to come?

Why can't you invite your parents and not extended family?

Guests don't have to mean a lot of extra expense.

We had a very small and cheap wedding and a very large and cheap reception 30+ years ago (parents' barn, BYOB) and to this day wouldn't change anything.

XJerseyGirlX · 20/09/2017 14:55

Depends, everyone is different.

How would you feel if your child didn't invite you to her wedding?
Personally I would be so upset, but everyones different OP

Congrats on your adoption :-)

Ploppie4 · 20/09/2017 14:57

We did this. It suited us. We didn't want a big thing. Siblings already had lots of big white weddings and not my cup of tea

InDubiousBattle · 20/09/2017 14:58

I would be very hurt tbh. I am really tempted by the idea of eloping myself but wouldn't countenance not telling my dad or dp's parents, especially if 4 friends were going. I think she will forgive you but it will most likely hurt her feelings that your friends were there and she wasn even told.

Peolealwaystalkabout · 20/09/2017 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 15:01

I would be really hurt by that. For you to have other people there but not your mum (if your mum is OK otherwise and you have a good relationship) is really horrible, in my opinion.

cherrycola2004 · 20/09/2017 15:02

I've discussed with my mum and she wouldn't mind at all, up to me what I do. MIL would go mental and like someone mentioned earlier would actually be a good thing Grin

Stanislas · 20/09/2017 15:04

DD got married in NY at County hall. We knew a few days before and they sent photos. I'll always have a little sadness that I wasn't there. DH didn't show he minded but when dd2 got married he was very emotional. I suspect it was because he felt we had been shut out by dd1’s husband and her sister and husband included us in everything.

gingergenius · 20/09/2017 15:04

My mum got married without telling me - twice!!!
I'd have like to have known but there are other things in life to get annoyed about and as other peeps have said you can have a blessing back home once the dc arrive, and celebrate in style! X

budgiegirl · 20/09/2017 15:04

As a parent, I think I'd be quite hurt, I'm afraid. Do you think your mum will be hurt? I'd be less hurt if you were eloping with just the two of you, but you are going with friends, so it's not like you want to be alone. It may feel like a deliberate snub.

Is there no way of asking your parents without having to ask the whole extended family? Or maybe arrange to have a blessing/small celebration when you return.

NotQuiteJustYet · 20/09/2017 15:05

In all honesty, to this day I sort of wish we had done this. The entire planning and run-up to the wedding became about how to placate one of my parents, even on the day I couldn't relax because of it.

Two of our friends did this, they took no one with them and got married on a beach in the Bahamas. Their photos are lovely, they threw a big party when they got back for the families and friends.

DancingLedge · 20/09/2017 15:05

Absolutely would not be upset by elopement and 'private' wedding.

Four guests , and not me, hmm, that's more complicated: that feels like I'm not one of the four people most important to you. That would be a lot harder. And hurtful.

EnglishRose13 · 20/09/2017 15:05

We eloped (married in Vegas, not by Elvis). We married on the 19th December, came home on the 23rd and told everyone on the 24th. My mum took it very badly (I'm her only daughter). Apparently it ruined Christmas that year. She was an absolute nightmare! She was upset because of what she missed out on - the chance to show off to her friends about how much her offspring can afford. Apparently, I didn't care about what she wanted or her feelings. Her whole line of thinking was just ridiculous. It wasn't about her!

Four years later and she's finally okay with it. DH and I bought a really nice house and we have a toddler, both of which would have been put off if we'd spend £1000's on a wedding.

You need to remember that it's not your mums day, it's a day for you and DP. No one else should have a say and no one else should be given a second thought. If you're happy then your mum should be happy too (which was DH's mums attitude).

MidnightAura · 20/09/2017 15:06

I wanted to do this, I didn't because it would have broken my mums heart.

I don't agree with not telling her at all, I think that's a little cruel and would hurt her just as much as not being invited!

I'm glad we didn't elope in the end and had a small wedding, I can see why you want to get married ahead of the adoption though.

heron98 · 20/09/2017 15:07

My mum would be so disappointed. I don't think I could do that to her. It might be your wedding, but if it matters to her then I wouldn't do it.

diddl · 20/09/2017 15:08

So were you going on holiday with friends & decided to marry whilst there?

I'd be upset if my kids would rather share something so important with friends than me tbh.

llangennith · 20/09/2017 15:11

I'd be hurt that my DC didn't think enough of my feelings to let me know in advance. I'd (eventually) get over not being included but it would take a lot longer to get over not knowing about it.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 15:11

I'd worry, too, about the new spouse - I'd want my children to marry someone who will be part of the family and will want to spend some time at least with family - I'd worry that that wouldn't happen if someone was happy to marry with friends rather than family there.

StayAChild · 20/09/2017 15:12

I would put on a brave face, but underneath I would be really hurt not to be told. I wouldn't be upset about not being there for it, just the fact that she couldn't tell me before the event.
I would like to be part of her day if only by what's app pics and a quick call to stay congratulations.

bumblingbovine49 · 20/09/2017 15:12

I would be really unhappy if you hadn't told me you were getting married I would be sad but understand if you told me but explained that you weren't inviting anyone in the family at all.

As to forgiving you, of course I would forgive my child for that but I would be incredibly hurt. So I suppose it depends on how important it is to you if your mum is hurt. I think for me it would be the "keeping the wedding secret" that would be the major problem but that of course may not be the case for your mum, you know her best

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