To think my mum will forgive me?

[McGertie]

For eloping abroad without telling her?

Background is been together 10 years, engaged for three. About to adopt (almost finished process) and always said we'd wait til kids were here for wedding. But now that it's come round we just want to be married. Have booked wedding abroad just us & 4 guests (who we're going on this holiday anyway already).

Can't tell my mum as she'll want to come which means DPs dad will want to, id have to invite my dad (knowing he couldn't come) as well as extended family etc. Suddenly turns into this big who-ha we don't want & cant afford. But I feel AWFUL for not telling my mum...

Would you forgive your daughter & understand or would you just be hurt?

My brother did this and it deeply hurt my mum. I was pretty upset too, as was my dad. I know it is supposed to be about the bride and groom, but your scenario inviting friends makes it more of a snub to her. Why not do a v.small registry office thing with family members for the legalities then a blessing on the beach/holiday with friends?

I'd say congratulations and make all the right noises but inside, I would be so, so upset that I hadn't seen one of my children get married

I'd plaster smile on my face and congratulate my DD. I'd be really hurt though. Especially by the fact you had 4 other guests.

My mother was very upset when I did this - my father was absolutely fine with it! It took her years to get over it (we're not close so I wasn't too bothered by her reaction)... it was only really when my brother did the same thing that the pressure was taken off me and she got over herself it!

I'd do it again though - I've no regrets at all!

When we got married none of our family was there, nobody particularly cared.

My daughter is only 12 but If she ever eloped in the future I would be absolutely gutted.
My dad and most of my siblings missed my wedding and I still feel upset about that 14 years later. It's such an important occasion and they weren't there.
I think you should invite your parents. You are deliberately excluding them but inviting friends. I think it would hurt them knowing that.

Personally I'd do a very small weeding at home before your holiday. Just you and your respective parents. Then when you get back have a big party if you want to include extended family.

We did mid week registry office with parents and siblings only was a great day, no stress and with just the people who mattered.

My brother who eloped is now divorced, so maybe that's karma...

I would be really hurt. Particularly, as others have said, if others were there.

I've found weddings so much more special and poignant since I got married myself and frankly, the idea of not being present when my daughters make that commitment is really sad.

But in the end, your life, your choice - I would tell you I was hurt, but I don't think there would be something to forgive.

I would love to elope with DP, but its not worth the upset with our families.

My uncle and aunt went to Iceland and got married under the northern lights. They had a live video feed of it so family could watch as no one was invited to go over there. It looked very magical and special. They then had a blessing back here. No one minded I don't think as we all got to watch it online

If i was going to do this i would do it with just my children there and as many randoms as i needed for a witness.

To have 4 guests and not even give your parents the chance to be there is a bit hurtful tbh.

And i know how you feel, i'd have rather had a tiny wedding than the one we had. If you're having 4 guests why can't the 4 guests be you and DPs parents?

If I was your mum I would be heartbroken TBH.

At the very least, you need to tell her (and your dad!). You could also organise something for when you come back to celebrate the event.

I have to say I would be wondering whybyou felt the need to go away like this to get married

I think you already know the answer!!! Yes, of course you will hurt your Mum, but if she's a great Mum then she will plaster on a smile, conceal her feelings but be privately devastated. Surely there must be a sensible compromise here? Maybe be honest with yourself and think how you would feel if you soon to be adopted child did the same to you? I would strongly urge you to think again. Life is too short to go round trampling on people's feelings, your Mum will also be sent the message that you value your friends more than her, as they are included whereas she has been excluded.

It's difficult - if you are inviting friends but not them, then it's likely to feel like a deliberate snub.

Couldn't you tell her before? Just say you want to be married, not have a big wedding, so you are going to do it whilst you are away. Just explain it is not really about the "day" for you at this stage.
I'd understand that.
I'd be annoyed you planned to do it and wouldn't tell me.

I agree with janetbattersby I would be really upset but would say nothing.

Honestly, I would be hurt but wouldn't make a fuss.

I don't agree that weddings are just about two people. For me they are the joining of 2 families and unless there are underlying reasons why not, I can't fathom why anyone would exclude their parents.

I think you should go ahead and do what you want op, but don't bank on your mother not being hurt by it.

Eloping is fine, planning to do that myself. Eloping but having some guests and excluding your parents is really unkind IMO.

I would have been very hurt if my dd had done this without telling me but I would have understood if she had talked it through with me first (still a bit upset but maybe because I'm thinking of my daughter).

Mother of DCs here. Wouldn't mind providing DCs let me know so I could book a bottle of wine or champagne for them and got plenty of photos. It's their life.

YABVVU. Your poor mum. If it was just the 2 of you and no-one else knew that's not too bad, but you're telling friends and having them there, whilst keeping the whole thing secret from your mum. Who you'll probably then expect to be a loving and involved grandmother to your adopted children. It's really cruel, I don't know why anyone would do that. Do you hate your mum or something to want to deliberately cause her pain like that? And you're just making excuses to yourself about why your wedding has to be this way. You could have a quiet and cheap wedding in this country and involve her.

My brother did this and our mum got over it, pretty quickly really.
I'd be concerned that any truly devastated parents are probably already over involved in their children's lives as it is.

I've just sat here ballin my eyes out over some of these responses. Guess I deserve that.

I desperately want to tell my mum, as PPs said even just so we can talk about the plans etc. But I know she'll guilt me into inviting her & my step-dad and then it all unravels. Would then be DPs dad & 2x DS, my gran (who isn't fit to travel that far), my Dad, Step-mum & little DB & DS (who can't afford it). My other DB & his wife. The potential Bridesmaids & Best man who don't know / aren't invited either.

The holiday was booked anyway. Two friends live in the country we are going to. Two are coming with (actually my brother & his GF). They didn't know anything about wedding plans until we asked if they'd witness.

There's no pomp or ceremony, no wedding breakfast. DP & I exchanging vows then six of us going for dinner.

Would that last part make a difference/take edge off? That & promising to do a blessing / celebration with all family once we have the kids?

Hmm. I had a very small wedding (both to save money as we were about to move countries, and also because neither DH or I wanted a big wedding) so I do understand why you mightn't want a big fuss, but my mum would have been absolutely heartbroken not to be invited, and doubly so not to have even known about it.

Obviously it depends on your relationship with your mum but I suspect it will damage it - but obviously whether that matters or not very much depends on what it's like now!