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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum will forgive me?

260 replies

McGertie · 20/09/2017 14:44

For eloping abroad without telling her?

Background is been together 10 years, engaged for three. About to adopt (almost finished process) and always said we'd wait til kids were here for wedding. But now that it's come round we just want to be married. Have booked wedding abroad just us & 4 guests (who we're going on this holiday anyway already).

Can't tell my mum as she'll want to come which means DPs dad will want to, id have to invite my dad (knowing he couldn't come) as well as extended family etc. Suddenly turns into this big who-ha we don't want & cant afford. But I feel AWFUL for not telling my mum...

Would you forgive your daughter & understand or would you just be hurt?

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 20/09/2017 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doobigetta · 20/09/2017 16:59

Sorry, OP, but I don't think there's a way to make this work without really hurting your mum. If your relationship with her is normal (I don't mean perfect, I mean normal- all adult women have minor ups and downs with their mothers) then she should be the top of your guest list. She'd be the one person who would potentially be as invested in the whole thing as you. I can't see how she wouldn't be terribly hurt that there were four other people there but not her. No wedding is one thing, no guests is your choice- but four guests and no mum? Doesn't work.
Oh, and btw- mine always said weddings were silly and a lot of fuss until I got engaged. I'm her only daughter. She cares a fuckload.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2017 17:00

I've been thinking a lot about your dilemma. Another thing, which would concern me is your brother's gf. She is a gf, IE not a partner or wife etc. Perhaps she will be one of these one day and perhaps she won't. If your brother stayed with her, would your mother hold it against her? Would it cause a rift? The last thing you want is something like that to happen especially if they end up having children together. Something to consider. Or what if they split? From you mother's perspective, your brothers gf will have then been a random and yet more important to have been at the wedding. However many times you tell your mother she is more important to you than your brothers gf, the choices you are making will speak very differently to her.

So yes, I think you need to sit her down now so that she knows before you go. I think you need a really level head to prepare for the adoption. Having this hanging over you won't be good.

Original poster
McGertie · 20/09/2017 17:00

Justforthisthread101 of course it's about my feelings (and DPs) it's our wedding - that's the point! And no I'm not 👀 for sympathy, I was looking for perspective & advice - from mums on how best to approach this

OP posts:
Sandsunsea · 20/09/2017 17:00

I did this and my mum said she wasn't upset but she didn't talk to me for a few months after, just didn't call. She talks to me now but has never mentioned the fact that I'm married or acknowledge what I did in any way.

SoupyNorman · 20/09/2017 17:01

It's not all or nothing though is it? Not if your brother and his girlfriend will be there.

Headofthehive55 · 20/09/2017 17:02

A blessing is pointless!
It's not the wedding!
It doesn't make up for it!

twinklefeather · 20/09/2017 17:02

You won't really know until you tell her, I thought my mum and I had a good relationship until my wedding. She was invited but didn't come as her sister wasn't invited. We did a small wedding with just parents and 2 witnesses that lived in the location of the wedding. She says she'll forget but not forgive and the same is true of my feelings. Unfortunately it has damaged our relationship I can't ever see us being the same. Sad Weddings seem to have such an effect on people. I don't regret the wedding I regret caring about other people's feelings enough to tell them before though.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 17:02

Can I ask why you couldn't have a small wedding in the UK, that your family could go to?

And can I also ask, can you understand why your mum would be hurt? Do you think you'd be hurt if your adoptive child did this?

NameChangeFamousFolk · 20/09/2017 17:02

I'd say congratulations and make all the right noises but inside, I would be so, so upset that I hadn't seen one of my children get married

That would be my mum. She'd be heartbroken but would try her utmost not to show it.

But yes, sure, your day, your choice, I guess.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 17:03

I agree - the blessing isn't the same thing at all.

JamesBlonde1 · 20/09/2017 17:03

i think it's a bit mean TBH. If you have a good relationship with her why on earth wouldn't you want her there. You don't have to invite extended family.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 17:04

Why didn't you invite her sister, Twinkle?

QueenUnicorn · 20/09/2017 17:04

Invite her, life is too short to miss your daughters wedding.
I'd be heartbroken if it were my daughter.

Original poster
McGertie · 20/09/2017 17:04

Ps as my closing comment i think a lot of you are batshit crazy 😜 I credit my DM with more sense & level headedness

swift name change & exit

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 20/09/2017 17:04

People are focussing on it op because it means that your brother, his girlfriend and you 2 friends will be there but your mum won't. Think it would be different if you were going away just the two of you and got married as no one would feel left out. Is there a reason you can't have a simple registry office wedding with just your immediate family?

Headofthehive55 · 20/09/2017 17:05

How best to approach it?
Invite her.
Are you wanting to be in her life afterwards?
By not doing you are showing just how little you care about her.

Whinesalot · 20/09/2017 17:07

I'd be quite hurt.
I'd be hurt too that I wasn't wanted if you told me in advance but I'd be less hurt than if you did it in secret.

Elllicam · 20/09/2017 17:08

Ah this is one of those threads where the OP has clearly already made up their mind and no amount of opposition will change it,

NameChangeFamousFolk · 20/09/2017 17:09

Ps as my closing comment i think a lot of you are batshit crazy 😜 I credit my DM with more sense & level headedness

Hmm

Why bother with the AIBU? You're convinced your mum will be cool with it.

Disn3yN3rd · 20/09/2017 17:09

I so desperately wanted to elope but DH wouldnt through fear of upsetting his mum.

I say do it. Don't let others rule your life.

Headofthehive55 · 20/09/2017 17:11

Are you hoping that your adoptive children will have a good relationship with your mum?
You aren't exactly going the right way about it to facilitate it.
Please think of them.

Headofthehive55 · 20/09/2017 17:11

Are you hoping that your adoptive children will have a good relationship with your mum?
You aren't exactly going the right way about it to facilitate it.
Please think of them.

Whinesalot · 20/09/2017 17:11

And I'd want to known as soon as you decide to do it. A week in advance still means you've kept a bit secret from me.

Sallystyle · 20/09/2017 17:12

I would be extremely hurt. My mum would be hurt if I did this to her. Although I know she would put a brave face on and say all the 'right' things.

If I did it without any guests I think my mum would be less hurt but to have 4 people at your wedding while she doesn't even know about it is quite cruel.

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