To think my mum will forgive me?

[McGertie]

For eloping abroad without telling her?

Background is been together 10 years, engaged for three. About to adopt (almost finished process) and always said we'd wait til kids were here for wedding. But now that it's come round we just want to be married. Have booked wedding abroad just us & 4 guests (who we're going on this holiday anyway already).

Can't tell my mum as she'll want to come which means DPs dad will want to, id have to invite my dad (knowing he couldn't come) as well as extended family etc. Suddenly turns into this big who-ha we don't want & cant afford. But I feel AWFUL for not telling my mum...

Would you forgive your daughter & understand or would you just be hurt?

I think I'd want to be told beforehand.

Another mixed bag of emotions there after reading more replies.

Jux that's an interesting take. God this is really hard. Wish I could find out what my mum would prefer/be ok with then decide. Guess that was the point of this post!

Fact is Ellie56 & Mummyoflittledragon, yes we could be really forceful & say only my Mum & DPs dad come. But then what about my dad who I know can't afford it? And DPs sisters who will be gutted?

We agreed we'd rather all or nothing. Which was why originally we'd said we'd go just the two of us. But then we were already going on this trip & couldn't afford / fit in another one before kids arrive.

I would be really, really upset.

You could always have a registry office wedding in the UK so your mum could come to that, before you went on holiday?

When organising my wedding I had a bit of a meltdown as I got hugely overwhelmed which isn't like me at all.

I was so very very tempted to arrange a registry office ceremony to take place on my lunch hour from work.
In the end I decided I couldn't do that to my mum.

I couldn't give a shit about anyone else's feelings, including DH to be, at that point but hers I could.

She would have forgiven me, I'm her daughter after all but she would have been eternally hurt and I couldn't then have forgiven myself for knowingly causing it.

Some mum's would be ok which is fine, but you know yours won't be. It's a tough choice. You've chosen a brother to be present but not your mum. She's going to be hurt.

i'd forgive - we nearly did this because we just didn't want any kind of fuss. I'd be more keen on seeing as much of my forthcoming GC as possible! I suppose I'd be a bit hurt - probably more as you've got a few other people going, but if you sat me down and explained it, I'm sure I'd get over it.

yeah your particular problem is that it's harder to accept than an elopement, it's an elopement plus a few people but not your mum.

I'd go for a registry do here, and just get it done, you and DH personally.

Do I tell her now so she can be involved in the planning but give her more time to dwell on missing it & guilt me. Or do I call her from the trip a week/few days before & tell her it's happening, apologise & ask my brother to film it for her?

I'd be devastated by this and so would my husband. It's the whole pre-meditated thing that makes it worse.

We had some friends that got engaged on holiday and then married a few days later. They told everyone about the engagement from the holiday and then that they were going to get married. We were all thrilled for them and sent well wishes, thought about them all day, and the parents were able to send champagne etc. Their wedding their choice, but it wasn't such a snub.

You saying that it gets 'too complicated' is weak and you're just avoiding confrontation. Sorry to be harsh but the conversation could go: 'we've decided to get married in x with just a few people there. We really don't want a big thing and also can't afford one. If you would like to come we would love you to be there but as we don't want it to snowball, the invitation extends to you only.' But obviously dress it up more nicely.

OP, can you tell her about 'a friend' who's just done this and see how she reacts?

You could then say 'we were thinking about doing something similar, getting married away somewhere quietly, since big weddings aren't my thing' and she might even give you her blessing.

That said, I personally would be devastated to not be told in advance AND discover you value these 4 friends more than her.

We thought we might have to get married in a hurry a couple of years ago (to allow us to have IVF more easily in Greece). We explained this to our parents and said we might just have to have a quick registry office wedding and throw a party, potentially much later.

My mum said she wanted to be there even if it was just a registry office and a meal in Weatherspoons afterwards. I think she would have shrivelled up and died a bit inside if she hadn't been invited.

In the end, we did the IVF with a legal declaration instead of a marriage certificate and we eventually got married this year. We invited everyone. Even people who don't talk to one another - we figured it was up to them to sort their own sht out, and up to us to seat them where they wouldn't get in each other's hair. We said "no presents" because we know it can be a lot of money just to get to a wedding and get kitted out for it (and because we already have everything).

I think if it was my mum, she might understand just going away and doing getting married with no fuss. She wouldn't understand there being four guests and her not being one of them.

Realcockney all families are different & I know mine! It's not just that it would snowball its that I KNOW my dad can't come. If neither of my parents are there it's fine but if my mum, step-dad & DPs dad are there I'd miss my dad.

Is your brother more special to you than your mum? It reads as if, you getting married on holiday with your brother there is more important than having your mum there. Surely you either elope with just you and DH, or you have a quick reg office do here with parents and immediate family? I can't quite think why you're insisting on doing it with your brother there on THIS holiday.

But then what about my dad who I know can't afford it?

Well then he doesn't come!

Honestly OP, I think you're making a lot more of this than you need to.

Invite your Mum & DP's Dad - and tell your Dad!

Seriously if I were you, I'd arrange a registry office do before you go.
Speak to your brother who was going to be a witness and get his help to 'invite' everyone.
No one will miss out and you can go on holiday to relax and enjoy yourself.
No need for a party, just go for a drink afterwards then fly out the next day.

Register office. Just the two of you.
That way anybody s upset , if there is any, is about them wanting something you didn't want. That's ok, it's your wedding. You have no obligation to please anyone else.

But your brother, and not your mother? I honestly can't imagine any family in which that's not going to be lastingly hurtful.

I don't know why ppl are saying the 4 guests are more important than family when clearly they just happened to be the ppl we were travelling with! We didn't invite them especially, in fact, they invited us on their trip & we decided to get married on it in a really low key 'say our vows & go for dinner' kinda way. TBH it would be a farce to invite ppl to such a tiny thing & let them spend a bomb so they didn't miss out on a tiny non-wedding exchange of vows

My mum did this to her mum who was gutted (they were very close). Once she'd had me my mum realised how she (her mum) must have felt. One of the first conversations I can remember is my mum getting me to solemnly swear that I wouldn't do that to her.

On that basis, I can't recommend it.

If you have a close relationship with your parents I really don't understand why you wouldn't want them to be there and joining in on one of your most special days.

I told my Mum we were getting married abroad alone. She got her own back by doing the same to me.

I'd be pleased and excited for you and glad you were getting the day you wanted. I'd be gutted inside but you'd never know.

Like a few others have said I would be really sad but I would do my best not to let it show if my child decided they were getting married and didnt invite me. Actually I would be devastated. But as lots of others said - your wedding day, your choice. Ive been married 19 years now and would never have got married without my Mum being there. She was one of the most important people in my life at that time (sadly shes no longer with us) so of course I wanted her there, a day of love, 2 families coming together, a celebration of love really.

So your dad wouldn't come if your mum was there-is that it?

Tbh that would be his choice!

I'd be tempted to do registry office with parents & siblings & a pub lunch or something.

If you have a close relationship with your parents I really don't understand why you wouldn't want them to be there and joining in on one of your most special days.

Because maybe some people don't rate marriage ?