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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum will forgive me?

260 replies

McGertie · 20/09/2017 14:44

For eloping abroad without telling her?

Background is been together 10 years, engaged for three. About to adopt (almost finished process) and always said we'd wait til kids were here for wedding. But now that it's come round we just want to be married. Have booked wedding abroad just us & 4 guests (who we're going on this holiday anyway already).

Can't tell my mum as she'll want to come which means DPs dad will want to, id have to invite my dad (knowing he couldn't come) as well as extended family etc. Suddenly turns into this big who-ha we don't want & cant afford. But I feel AWFUL for not telling my mum...

Would you forgive your daughter & understand or would you just be hurt?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 20/09/2017 16:43

I'd be pleased and excited for you and glad you were getting the day you wanted

And that's the bit if it was any of my children that would make me desperately sad - that "the day they wanted" didnt include me.

Original poster
McGertie · 20/09/2017 16:44

Helendee because flights & accommodation alone would cost >£1000 its max 1hr then same as any other day. Aka waste of money for them & then there'd be an expectation for us to turn the day into something else to accommodate ppl coming all that way.

DanceswithOtters again, thank you

OP posts:
guilty100 · 20/09/2017 16:44

Guests lists will always hurt someone. This is the Law of Weddings. the question is how deeply the person will be affected. I wanted to elope, DH couldn't do that to his family, we ended up having a family-only wedding, which was a good way of ensuring that everyone we didn't like would be there, while everyone we'd elected to be around wasn't. Wink

Peeetle · 20/09/2017 16:44

I told my mum I would do this at some point. Have to say she was very hurt when I finally did it (without telling her) and had totally forgotten that I forewarned her. She's over it now - and says she understands.

I'm still really really glad we did it the way we did. Sometimes you just have to do what you want and then deal with the fall-out.

SadieContrary · 20/09/2017 16:44

My DM would have been gutted to miss our big day but she's very 'live and let live' and 'if you're happy, I'm happy' so I think she would have come around

Original poster
McGertie · 20/09/2017 16:45

No didle not that. My dad couldn't afford it

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 20/09/2017 16:45

I don't know why ppl are saying the 4 guests are more important than family when clearly they just happened to be the ppl we were travelling with!

Yes but it doesnt change the fact these 4 friends will be at your wedding and your Mum wont be there does it?

RestlessTraveller · 20/09/2017 16:47

I go th married two weeks ago. We toyed with the idea of eloping when we got engaged, but ultimately had a smallish wedding in a beautiful venue near us for family and close friends.

I am so glad we decided to do what we did. Having our families and close friends around us meant the absolute world to us and we had an amazing day we'll remember forever.

HazelBite · 20/09/2017 16:48

The Op has been with her DP for 10 years!!!
One of my Ds's has been with his DP for 8 years and they are putting off getting married because of the cost, I wish after so long they would run away and get married, because the big "do" seems a little pointless after all this time.
There is so much pressure to have the big occasion nowadays and it often ends up causing family problems.
I have 3 DS's who have long term partners and are not married.
If any of my Ds's came home and said they had gone away and got married I would be thrilled for them and only just a wee bit sad that the rest of the family weren't there to share

itshappening · 20/09/2017 16:48

I think she will forgive you but probably be very upset. You know best how she would feel. Personally if I were you and thought she would be hurt, I would not do it. I don't agree with all this 'your life, your rules' crap on MN, not if it is used as an excuse for a lack of compassion.

waltzingparrot · 20/09/2017 16:48

When my friend half jokingly said she'd elope, her mum said she would just like to know the day and time they were getting married so she could think of them and raise a toast.

AngelicaSchuyler · 20/09/2017 16:48

Firstly OP, congrats on the upcoming adoption Flowers

I'm sure you don't think your mum is less important than the 4 people you're travelling with, but can't you see how it will feel that way to her? You can argue it's not the case until the cows come home if it makes you feel less guilty, but the number of posters who have commented on it just in 4 pages of this thread should be a warning sign that lots of people would take that as a personal slight.

If you decided to do it on a whim while you were out there then that's one thing (or if you were on your own) but it's the planning in advance that makes it potentially more hurtful.

Best of luck with whatever you decide x

However, only you know your mum!

Hoppinggreen · 20/09/2017 16:48

Sorry but I would be absolutely gutted.
I would put a brace face on it but deep down I would be very hurt

Hoppinggreen · 20/09/2017 16:49

Brave face I mean

Ragwort · 20/09/2017 16:49

As a parent I would actually rather prefer my DS got married and told me afterwards, I am really not into weddings and from what I see and hear of them I can do without all the angst and think they are such a waste of money.

But that is my view and I appreciate everyone is different.

redemptionsongs · 20/09/2017 16:49

well it might be what Op wants - who knows, maybe her DM doesn't really rate marriage either. I still think whatever you intend, it's an odd thing to do. Elopement, yes, I could understand, an elopement plus your brother and 3 others is just a bit strange.

I can't understand why getting married on this holiday is so important to you - you say you want to, but I can't see why. Why start a marriage and a family with something that, based on most mums on this thread, is likely to cause bad feeling?

You could try sounding your mum out - maybe she's an especially good person and really doesn't mind.

redemptionsongs · 20/09/2017 16:51

yeah I hate weddings personally, expensive, silly, full of hyperbole - if my DDs turn out to want huge 3 day affairs I'll be gritting my teeth. I'd still be hurt if my DC invited some people but not me though.

BlueberryMarshmallow · 20/09/2017 16:53

Could you get everyone to meet up in the uk for a 'surprise' then live stream it? FaceTime or Skype so that they are there just not physically so no expense?

Ragwort · 20/09/2017 16:53

red - yes, that's my dread too if my DS wanted a big, fancy wedding Grin.

Headofthehive55 · 20/09/2017 16:53

I would be very hurt and would feel no longer close to her. Wouldn't bother going to an after party.

eggsandwich · 20/09/2017 16:53

Unfortunately my mum died before I got married and to this day after being married 20 years I still get upset by the fact she was not there, please think really carefully about your decision, I would of given anything to have my mum there.

justforthisthread101 · 20/09/2017 16:55

If neither of my parents are there it's fine but if my mum, step-dad & DPs dad are there I'd miss my dad.

And now we get to it.

This isn't about your Mum's feelings. It's about yours.

If you want your family at your wedding, change your plans and get married here. You can keep that as big or small as you want.

If you don't care, get married abroad but don't expect other people to like it if you know, and clearly you do, that they won't be happy about it. And certainly don't go looking for sympathy when you're sad about the upset that you've quite consciously caused.

Original poster
McGertie · 20/09/2017 16:56

Hazelbite im taking what you said as gospel!

I understand my DM will be hurt, that's obvious. But we will still have the big blessing do once we have the kids so she'll be there for that.

My hesitation (its booked & paid for) was around not telling her at all, waiting until after, telling her now or telling her a week before.

Either way this is what we want for the legal exchange of vows. And personally if my parents aren't there I'm pleased my DB is!

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 20/09/2017 16:56

Hang on - so your brother gets to go but your DH's siblings don't? That's not going to go down well either, OP.

I am wondering why you are asking when you've already booked it though.

Headofthehive55 · 20/09/2017 16:57

Why on earth do you want to do something that people are prevented in coming because of cost?
I imagine you hope that your adoptive children will be welcome into the family. You aren't helping by snubbing your family.

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