Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

To think my mum will forgive me?

260 replies

McGertie · 20/09/2017 14:44

For eloping abroad without telling her?

Background is been together 10 years, engaged for three. About to adopt (almost finished process) and always said we'd wait til kids were here for wedding. But now that it's come round we just want to be married. Have booked wedding abroad just us & 4 guests (who we're going on this holiday anyway already).

Can't tell my mum as she'll want to come which means DPs dad will want to, id have to invite my dad (knowing he couldn't come) as well as extended family etc. Suddenly turns into this big who-ha we don't want & cant afford. But I feel AWFUL for not telling my mum...

Would you forgive your daughter & understand or would you just be hurt?

OP posts:

Ttbb · 20/09/2017 15:48

A good mother would.

DancesWithOtters · 20/09/2017 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weeblueberry · 20/09/2017 15:50

Only you know your mum. If we did this (very similar situation to you) she'd probably be OK with it. But then she only married my dad when his own mother was in bad health and had only her, her sister and I at the wedding in the US.

But, if we had other people there that might make it harder for her for sure. If we did it we'd literally just go and do it the two of us and two random witnesses.

peachgreen · 20/09/2017 15:50

12 people isn't huge. Can you not just get married over here, immediate family only? Or even just yours and DP's parents? You don't even have to have a reception - just go to a registry office and get it done.

What's so important about getting married on holiday?

MrsJamesAspey · 20/09/2017 15:52

A friend did this and then a year later her DF died of cancer, she now can't look at her wedding photos without regretting her parents not being there.

Ginslinger · 20/09/2017 15:52

I would forgive my daughter but I hope that my daughter would have been able to tell me what she was doing and explain it was too complicated for me to go - I completely get why your mum can't. I think I would be more disappointed about being left out of the planning and about the secrecy than being left out of the actual wedding. As you've been together for so long I would see it as a formality (I know it's more than that)

SemiNormal · 20/09/2017 15:54

I'd be a bit disappointed by the not knowing beforehand and the fact that 4 friends went and therefore obviously knew whereas I didn't. That said I don't agree with spending a massive amount of money on weddings or the big fuss people make of them so I would rather he did that to be honest. Yes I would 'forgive' (but not sure there'd be anything to forgive really) and get over the disappointment.

BoysofMelody · 20/09/2017 15:58

I'd be heartbroken. Forgive but not forget, I suspect.

I'd be mightily happy to be spared the faff, the endless conversations around the minutae of planning the wedding, making small talk with people I've not seen in years and whatnot. Weddings bore the arse off me. Including my own.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 15:58

So you'll have your brother's girlfriend there instead of your mum? Can't you see how hurtful that would be for your mum?

Emptynestx2 · 20/09/2017 16:00

I would forgive because I love my children but my goodness would I be upset! I sincerely hope that neither of my DC would ever get married without telling me. It is very possibly me being needy but now my parents are no longer here it's the special times that I like to remember and they were always there.

Grilledaubergines · 20/09/2017 16:00

I'd be upset if my child didn't want me at their wedding but I guess it all depends on closeness of relationships. You know your mum best.

Original poster

McGertie · 20/09/2017 16:01

DanceswithOtters thank you 💐 you made me feel a lot better.

MrsjamesAspey def made me feel worse thanks.

Peachgreen we don't want to do that, it's not us.

We've spent the last 10 years travelling far flung places & this is our last big trip before the adoption. Saying our vows & it being about exactly that, the vows, is what we want. Not the ppl, the pomp the silly traditions & spending what will inevitably be a fortune on accommodating everyone who is/feels important.

This has helped thanks everyone. I will tell my mum & somehow be gentle but firm. I wish she could come but she can't...

OP posts:

Originalfoogirl · 20/09/2017 16:01

I'm years off this, but I would be very hurt if my daughter did this to me.

Not hurt because I wasn't invited, but hurt she didn't tell me before hand.

I would be hurt that she couldn't feel she could share something so special and exciting with me, because she was afraid I would make it something different than what she wanted. That I didn't trust her to make her decisions or that she thought I was so mean and selfish I would make it all about me. I would want to be in on the secret and the planning and the excitement and share that with her. If she had her reasons for not having me there, that would be fine with me because I'm not so self involved that I would think it would be all about me.

If you are worried about whether she would forgive you, that suggests to me you have a fairly decent relationship with her so why not sit her down and explain it to her and let her share in the day, even if she won't actually be there. Heck, with technology, why not have one of your guests live stream it to her?

We are all so sure about what kind of parents we are and how we are raising our children I do wonder why we treat our own mums as if they are aliens.

Doglikeafox · 20/09/2017 16:02

My mum is not a very sentimental person, but i think she'd really struggle to forgive this. Especially as others are going who aren't your mum. I don't think that inviting your mum and DPs dad suddenly translates to inviting the entire extended family though!

Abbylee · 20/09/2017 16:03

I did what you are planning for much the same reasons. It was one of the saddest days of my life. I was close to my mother and not having her there cast a pall over the event. I hid it from dh, but there is something special about being fussed over by one's mother.

I would rethink it bc it seems that you may miss her too.

CotswoldStrife · 20/09/2017 16:04

You'd get married with your brother and his girlfriend but not your parents - yes, that is going to come across as hurtful.

I would be hurt if my DD did this.

Birdsgottafly · 20/09/2017 16:06

I'd also be heartbroken, especially when I found out that other people were there.

You don't have to invite wider family, just Parents are fine.

I'd feel really unimportant and as though our relationship meant nothing.

"I wish she could come but she can't",

How does that work? Because she could if you invited her.

I have a close relationship with my DDs though and I'm a hands on Nan, so yours might be a different set up.

FooFighter99 · 20/09/2017 16:07

I'd be gutted if my DD did this, as I'm sure my mum would have been if DH and I had eloped...

If you are determined, I think you need to have a conversation with her to explain your reasons and ensure she understands why you are doing it. At least give her the opportunity to get her head around it.

Good luck, and congratulations on the impending nuptials!

Shesaysso · 20/09/2017 16:08

I'm not a very sentimental person but I'm afraid I would be so upset. I wouldn't show it as its your life to make what choices you want, but I would be deeply hurt.

Birdsgottafly · 20/09/2017 16:08

I didn't read the update that it was your Brother that was going with you.

You have to tell her, the lies from both her children is going to cut deep otherwise. She'll wonder what she did to deserve it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2017 16:08

Your brother is going and not your mother. It wasn't planned but it's panned out that way. This sounds incredibly cruel from a mother's point of view.

You're catastrophising when you say the world and his dog has to come. No. They. Don't. If you decide to have parents, tell your mum you want it small. So just respective parents on top. If she doesn't agree, tell her the two choices are that or not going.

Until I was a parent, it would have been difficult for me to imagine the implication of how a parent may feel. I can now tell you as a mother to my only child and daughter, I would be devastated. That doesn't mean you can't do it. It would be something you would have to live with. And you have enough turmoil in your life with the imminent adoption so I would think very carefully. This could be one thing too many to cope with.

MaroonPencil · 20/09/2017 16:09

i don't have daughters but if my sons did this I would be really really sad and hurt. Sorry, but you did ask. If it was literally just bride and groom I would probably understand get over it, but the fact that friends got to go and I didn't - that would make me feel like I had been smacked in the stomach.

Ellie56 · 20/09/2017 16:12

Is there any way you could have just your mum and your dad /just your mum and dad and their respective partners instead of having to include all the rest of them?

Jux · 20/09/2017 16:13

I wanted to do that. DH persuaded me that his mum had to be there, so I had to invite my mum, then he had to have his sister, then his godparents...... it turned into something horrible which I'd rather forget.

Stick to your guns.

If you were my dd, I'd rather not know until after. If I knew it was happening today but over there and I was here, I would be so upset. If you told me after, I'd be a little sad I'd missed it, but there'd be nothing to forgive, I'd understad and be very happy for you both.

Cailleach666 · 20/09/2017 16:16

We will be doing the same thing OP.

Getting married abroad, telling no one.

If anyone tells me they are upset they are being rude.
I wouldn't mind if my kids did this either, I would be lad they are saving their money for more important things.

But then I am not a big fan of marriage anyway.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread