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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Working with a paedophile

156 replies

Tothemoonandbackagain · 31/08/2017 12:00

I'm really really struggling!
I can't go into too much detail but I'm finding this incredibly hard to cope with.
Now I'm very professional in my role and I have always taken a non judgmental attitude whilst at work but this I'm finding hard.
I have dealt with and worked with extremely challenging people from the most vulnerable to the most dangerous.
But I can't connect with this person even though I'm trying my hardest.
I asked my boss if it was possible to avoid support for this person and he basically called me weak!! AIBU am I being overly sensitive!

OP posts:
PovertyJetset · 31/08/2017 12:03

If it's your job to deal with criminals etc in a support role, can you ask for additional training or mentoring?

Original poster
Tothemoonandbackagain · 31/08/2017 12:04

Are there any other professionals on here that can give me coping strategies? Please
Or how to better deal with it?

OP posts:
LondonHuffyPuffy · 31/08/2017 12:05

No, you're not being oversensitive and your boss sounds like an arse.

Original poster
Tothemoonandbackagain · 31/08/2017 12:05

We are offered a kind of company therapy but currently there a 6month waiting list.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 31/08/2017 12:06

I think we need to know more about the type of role you are in, to be honest.

PinkHeart5911 · 31/08/2017 12:07

Yanbu to feel the way you do, I'd probably feel the same

Do you mean this person an employee or your job is to support them?

For example if you work with ex offenders can you really pick and choose who you help? If your job is supporting people that have done things wrong etc then your going to have to just deal with it as you normally would in a professional manner

If you are working in the same office and they are an employee, then again your just going to have to stick to being professional but avoid them unless it's absolutely necessary you speak to them

KityGlitr · 31/08/2017 12:07

Is this person a colleague or a client that you're supposed to be supporting?

Are you a professional? Like a social worker or nurse or something?

It really depends on your job. I'm a psychotherapist so the client feeling warmth and care from me is really important. And if I didn't think I could show that I'd feel it was better for the client to work with another therapist. But for some jobs you don't have to actually genuinely like the person you're supporting, you just have to treat them with respect and civility and do what you're paid to do for them.

What exactly is making it hard for you to work with this person? Is it bringing up stuff from your past, like abuse? Without knowing what's difficult about it it's hard to advise. In some professions it's a core tenet that you must strive to treat everyone equally as being worthy of respect and support and not to discriminate. If that's something that's important to you it's worth seeing this as a learning opportunity and working on what it is within yourself that's making it hard for you to do your job properly, rather than trying to run in the opposite direction and avoid it altogether. If you want to grow and get better at what you do.

Roundandroundtheapartment · 31/08/2017 12:07

Depends on the job role

LagunaBubbles · 31/08/2017 12:08

What is your relationship to this person?

MadMags · 31/08/2017 12:10

I don't understand the capacity in which you're working with him.
But I can understand why you'd struggle.

Nuttynoo · 31/08/2017 12:10

Depends on your role but if you aren't comfortable then don't work with him. My local GP is a friend and had to refer one of her patients to another GP surgery because he's a convicted rapist and she doesn't feel comfortable.

MoGhileMear · 31/08/2017 12:10

What KityGlitr said. No one can advise without knowing more about your professional relationship to this person, whether he is a client or colleague etc.

PollyFlint · 31/08/2017 12:11

It really depends what your job is. If your job is as a probation officer or support worker involved in the rehabilitation of criminals or you work in mental health or whatever, then it is part of your job to deal with this sort of thing. It is hard, and you should probably have access to an employee wellbeing service through occupational health where you can get counselling by phone or face to face - but ultimately it's still part of your job. This probably won't be the first sex offender you have to work with.

If you mean that you work in an unrelated field and happen have a colleague who is a convicted paedophile and you are expected to work with them, then I agree that is difficult and that it would perfectly OK for you to keep your distance.

Sherlockmaystealyourpug · 31/08/2017 12:12

do you get supervision? or formulation meetings? I've found both helpful in the past. I think, its trying to use a degree of separation..i can't really explain it in practical terms though. I have worked with some people who have committed such offences and it has in no way affected the professional rapport I have built, but a few when it has been a lot more challenging. It is a complex and difficult thing.
Can you pin point how/what it is you are struggling with?
Depending on your job, it may well be unreasonable to ask to not work with this person, but it is not unreasonable to ask for more support. I doubt the counselling scheme would be very helpful, it sounds as if you need something now to help you identify coping skills and ways round the issues you are facing. If you are in the NHS, i know staff formulation, whatever your job role, is being highly advocated in my area with good results and it is the kind of space wherein such issues would be discussed.

Rainybo · 31/08/2017 12:12

This happened to me when I worked in mental health and I had a similar response from my boss. I found it extra difficult as there was similar abuse in my family history (not me, but close relatives). I also had a DD of my own the same age.

I refused. Absolutely point blank. There was no way I could provide him an adequate level of care (and of course it wasn't life threatening or emergency care). My boss grumbled about it, but tough. I was rarely one to kick up a fuss and I think it surprised them.

Don't let them bully you.

KityGlitr · 31/08/2017 12:13

Coping strategies... I've worked with a lot of paedophiles, sex offenders and murderers, in prisons and the community. What helps me is reminding myself that giving somebody support doesn't increase their chances of reoffending, it actually reduces the risk of them offending again. By treating them with decency and warmth you have a better chance of building an effective alliance and being able to do work that helps them to work on what led them to offend in the first place. It doesn't mean you're agreeing with their crime. You learn over time to separate the person's intrinsic worth from their actions.

I also strongly believe that we're all just people capable of good and bad actions, rather than any one of us being all 'good' or 'bad'. I've seen guys who've committed atrocious crimes turn it around inside and do voluntary work that really helps their fellow prisoners and brings value to the world. It doesn't negate what they've done but their crimes also don't mean they're not able to do good in the future.

Luckily I've never found it hard to empathise with and care for people who've done awful things, probably because I recognise that we all have intrinsic inalienable value as a person and nobody should ever be confined to the scrap heap if they're willing to try and improve themselves. But a lot of people do struggle with that, that's normal. It's how you deal with that struggle that matters. How you learn and grow and become a more open and kind person and a more anti discriminatory professional.

WillowWeeping · 31/08/2017 12:14

It depends very much on your role.

I've worked with paedophiles in the past, but did have a role where I was required to empathise so my coping strategies may not help

Original poster
Tothemoonandbackagain · 31/08/2017 12:14

is a client of mine/ours
I know the full history of this person and struggle to really engage with them. Once asked me if I was married and had children I declined to answer and was seen as rude.
Which I suppose I was.
This person is locked away so I know there is no threat.
But I still have this odd feeling in presence of this person.

OP posts:
Note3 · 31/08/2017 12:15

I dont know the nature of your role, but based on my experience some tips would be to never read about this persons offence immediately prior to seeing them. Always try to read the day before or in the morning if not seeing til afternoon (day before is best). If I read just prior then I go into the meeting more emotional and feel angry as opposed to my usual professional detached stance.

Never read about their details outside of work. It crosses into your personal space and blurs internal boundaries.

Do not allow them to discuss specifics of their offence with you (unless your role is of course one of info gathering of the specifics). They can work on their behaviour of circumstantial need without discussing their offending behaviour and some sex offenders like to discuss details in order to relive it or to get a reaction from you.

Note3 · 31/08/2017 12:16

Just read your post before mine, I always deflect questions by saying I'm not here to discuss me, I'm employed to discuss you. If I am then termed to be rude I would observe politely that that is their opinion and they're entitled to it, now let's discuss x, y and z

Rainybo · 31/08/2017 12:17

Are they a risk to women too? What is their risk history? Is this your spidey senses?

Doomhutch · 31/08/2017 12:17

If your job is to work with offenders (which I'm assuming as you say the person is 'locked away') then really you need to be prepared to deal with people who have done terrible things which make you uncomfortable.

I think it was perfectly acceptable to decline to answer questions about your personal life, as it would be in any job.

ikeadyounot · 31/08/2017 12:17

I am sure you are very professional in your role, but we all have cases that stymie us for one reason or another. Can you speak to your manager and say that you are struggling to remain professional when confronted with this particular person, and that you feel you need further support/training/to be taken off their case?

x2boys · 31/08/2017 12:18

When I was student mental health nurse I had a placement at the medium secure unit it basically held mentally ill individuals who were convicted of crimes but deemed to unwell to go to prison so there were people who had committed very serious crimes I found it too difficult to be non judgemental towards people who had been convicted of crimes against children and didn't feel I could work in that environment some people can but I couldn't.

Note3 · 31/08/2017 12:18

*Behaviour OR circumstantial need