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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Working with a paedophile

156 replies

Tothemoonandbackagain · 31/08/2017 12:00

I'm really really struggling!
I can't go into too much detail but I'm finding this incredibly hard to cope with.
Now I'm very professional in my role and I have always taken a non judgmental attitude whilst at work but this I'm finding hard.
I have dealt with and worked with extremely challenging people from the most vulnerable to the most dangerous.
But I can't connect with this person even though I'm trying my hardest.
I asked my boss if it was possible to avoid support for this person and he basically called me weak!! AIBU am I being overly sensitive!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tothemoonandbackagain · 31/08/2017 12:18

It's unprofessional I totally agree!
I wish I could get past the feelings and deal with it better.
My colleagues seem to be ok and get on well and are happy to share personal information with this person but i can't.
I know I have a right to privacy but I engage as little as possible and it's starting to show which I know is not fair.

OP posts:
LaughingElliot · 31/08/2017 12:19

Is it because the person is a paedophile or because they are just difficult to engage?

Scoobygang7 · 31/08/2017 12:19

Is there any chance of swapping your role with another colleague as your feelings towards the client may have a negative impact upon their treatment. You aren't going to be able to fulfill your role in their treatment if you cannot separate your emotions from them.

Loopytiles · 31/08/2017 12:20

Why the emphasis on "connecting" with the offender? Is this somehow required to do your job? Or can you just do your job professionally and be baseline civil?

coddiwomple · 31/08/2017 12:20

I also strongly believe that we're all just people capable of good and bad actions

You do sound like a good person, a lovely human being and we do need more of you. I very strongly disagree with your sentence. Some people can do horrible things and change, but pedophilia means there is something so wrong in a person, you cannot go back from that, you cannot change them anymore than you can change the colour of your eyes ( bad example, nowadays you can change your eye colour ) . They will forever be a threat, because the crime was so twisted in the first place, it's not just a "mistake". It's the entire person who is wrong in the first place.
I would never ever trust a paedophile. Some I can pity.

Mia1415 · 31/08/2017 12:20

I've not real advice but I really feel for you. I can't go into details but I had to sack one once (it came out through a check), whilst 7 months pregnant with hormones raging. I wanted to hit him but instead had to remain calm and professional. It was tough.

I hope your OK. It sounds like you have a tough job

LouHotel · 31/08/2017 12:21

It sounds like your there Lawyer?

x2boys · 31/08/2017 12:22

Op it wouldn't be profession so of you to discuss your personal life with clients /patients that's not what you are they for so don't worry about being seen as rude.

KityGlitr · 31/08/2017 12:24

Very thought provoking, coddiwomple. I know what you mean, I personally agree paedophilia is an intrinsic part of a person, a disordered sexual attraction that will always be there. But I also believe that some are able to not act on those impulses, although every care must be taken not to allow them near children.

I guess what I mean is that even a paedophile is also capable of doing good in other areas, like the ones I worked with who were locked up for their offences but gave hours of volunteering to help other adults locked up with their mental health. The capacity to do terrible things and the capacity to do wonderful caring constructive things can exist within the same person in my view, whereas many people I know believe that if the former is there, the entire person is 'evil' and a write off and can never add any value to the world.

Original poster
Tothemoonandbackagain · 31/08/2017 12:25

a convicted paedophile.
Not a pleasant person at all.
I know I need to suck it up and get on with it and detach but for some reason I'm finding it hard.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/08/2017 12:26

Well obviously morally YANBU. We all hate the dirty beasts. However you did choose the profession you went into, and if you can't work with all offenders then I think its fair to say you're in wrong job.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/08/2017 12:28

No one should be sharing your personal details with sex offenders.... It is not rude not to disclose YOUR private life circumstances...

You can turn it around and ask why it's importantant that theu know... Some offenders it is part of their arousal mechanism.(I know... It's grim!) .. Others like to know stuff so they can freak you out... And maybe use it for future unpleasantness...

I recall one junior member of staff in a forensic setting... She had an unusual first name- somehow the prosoner managing to discover her unusual surname... (my guess written on an envelope /diary it something). Theu managed to discover lots of stuff about her - my guess via FB... Where she had pics of her (recent) wedding and her kids....
This prisoner tool delight in saying exactly what he was going to do to her and her family... It happens... Make sure it's not you!!

Dawnedlightly · 31/08/2017 12:29

tothemoon 'Once asked me if I was married and had children I declined to answer and was seen as rude.'

None of you should be sharing that information anyway. That coupled with your managers response and your lack of clinical supervision is very alarming. Do you work in prison? Or on a secure unit? Either way there's something very wrong with the institution and training.

Original poster
Tothemoonandbackagain · 31/08/2017 12:29

I have worked with ALOT of sex offenders. But this person shows no remorse has no empathy.
No interest in recovery etc.

OP posts:
Note3 · 31/08/2017 12:30

Thing is, in my opinion sharing personal info about yourself to offenders would be unprofessional. I'm aware several of my own colleagues would disagree but I can assure you that in over a decade of working in a criminal justice role I have never once shared personal info and have always been a highly capable worker who achieves results so not sharing personal info does not affect outcome. When I have sat with offenders (including baby and child abusers) whilst heavily pregnant I have still declined to discuss topics such as my due date. Even when I was about to pop I'd reply with 'oh I have a while yet' then I'd move on. Only offenders who literally saw me pregnant could tell you i have a child and if I'm off work for childcare reasons they only hear that I had an emergency crop up and couldn't be in. The only reason I tell you this is so you don't feel wrong or pressured into giving out personal info, it's absolutely your choice.

Dawnedlightly · 31/08/2017 12:32

"I know I need to suck it up and get on with it and detach but for some reason I'm finding it hard."
You're finding it hard because the boundaries aren't in place and you're unsupported and inadequately trained. You're very sensibly uncomfortable in an unsafe situation.

Original poster
Tothemoonandbackagain · 31/08/2017 12:32

Like any of these settings resources are stretched and it's hectic.
Asking for help or support is sometimes a long wait.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/08/2017 12:32

Are you supported in your role?

Do you have supervision sessions? .. My guess doing some shared formulations with your peers facilitated by a clinician will be helpful?

Note3 · 31/08/2017 12:33

Based on your responses I don't think the problem is with you, you're just dealing with a particularly unpleasant character personality wise. Sometimes it's obvious and sometimes it's inexplicable but some people just set off our internal radar. I have several people I cannot stand and couldn't tell you why but I just do the best I can...that's all you can be asked of

JennieLee · 31/08/2017 12:33

As I've been a child and have children then clearly I have strong feelings about those who make children suffer.

On the other hand in a prison setting - depending on the security level - I'd also be working with

  • people who had committed violent crime
  • people who committed robbery
  • people who had been found guilty of manslaughter/murder
  • people who had committed rape and sexual assault
  • people who had trafficked hard drugs

It is not 'comfortable' to think about these crimes and how they affect others. Being the victim of a wide range of these offences can have lasting effects on people's health and happiness.

I am not in any way wanting to minimise how damaging childhood sexual abuse is because I've worked in a voluntary capacity with survivors - as well as at an earlier stage in my career with somebody who had committed a sexual offence with a child.

I think it is very important that adults working with offenders and survivors have appropriate support. Because it's difficult and demanding work.

Original poster
Tothemoonandbackagain · 31/08/2017 12:34

I'm fully trained. Qualified. Over ten years experience.
But sometimes some things can't really prepare you for that one person you struggle to deal with. And unfortunately it's my time.

OP posts:
LaughingElliot · 31/08/2017 12:35

Paedophilia aside, it's extremely difficult to stay dedicated to a project when you can't get traction. Sounds very difficult for you and it's really not good enough that you are not being better supported.

KirstyLaura · 31/08/2017 12:35

Yes I can relate. I have a personal history, and I have had to deal with a sex offender in my workplace. It's really bloody hard. All I can suggest is to do your job and no more. You are not required to discuss personal information or engage in personal conversation with your clients, just do your job as civilly as you can. Keep it brief and to the point. If he attempts to engage, just respectfully bring him back to the job at hand - ie him not you.

susurration · 31/08/2017 12:36

I think you were right to decline to comment on your own personal life. Like a PP said you're not there to discuss you, you're there to discuss the other person. I don't think it was rude or unprofessional of you at all. It could arguably be said that, depending on this person's psychological profile, asking about your personal life could be an attempt to get you to play into their hands or along with some sort of power game. Always better to decline and keep to topic in that instance.

Ask for the support either way, even if it is a long wait. Your manager is clearly not supporting you well. Is there anyone else you can go to? next person up the chain, HR, a union rep?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/08/2017 12:37

You absolutely should be supported in these roles.... It can be very very emotionally difficult in these professional roles...
Most professions have a an absolute requirement that whatever your level of seniority you must have supervisory sessions... When I worked in forensic everyone would have compulsory supervisory sessions from trainees to consultant level... It is to keep everyone safe AND for personal and professional development

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