Working with a paedophile

[Tothemoonandbackagain]

I'm really really struggling!
I can't go into too much detail but I'm finding this incredibly hard to cope with.
Now I'm very professional in my role and I have always taken a non judgmental attitude whilst at work but this I'm finding hard.
I have dealt with and worked with extremely challenging people from the most vulnerable to the most dangerous.
But I can't connect with this person even though I'm trying my hardest.
I asked my boss if it was possible to avoid support for this person and he basically called me weak!! AIBU am I being overly sensitive!

In a previous role, I worked in the community as a specialist nurse. One of my patients had a history of repeated imprisonment for paedophilia offences. He was very creepy in many respects, but I just gritted my teeth, fixed a smile and got on with it. It helped that I'm a big scary fucker myself, but I did tell the Gp and my boss that he shouldn't be visited alone by female staff if I was absent. If I'd been female, I wouldn't have visited him after the first time, due to the threatening vibes that he gave off.

perhaps you need to look at a career change, because if youre working in a prison, youre going to have to deal with people like this. You need to disassociate yourself emptionally from that part of them. Its the same in many professions. Nurses, doctors etc. You have to be able to treat everyone humanely and with compassion. Even the evil bastards. Its basic

I agree.
Not the first time helping and treating sex offenders.its just this one client.

But what do you mean "engage with" him and his wife?

If your job is as a nurse, admin worker or other role in the prison, other than something like psychotherapy, then surely you can just do your work quietly, seek whatever info you need from him, exchange basic conversation if he initiates this and (as you are doing) keep private information about yourself.

Your gut instinct that he is evil is probably right, but he is a service user like others.

Your boss is unreasonable.

But since you can't do anything about that - enforce your boundaries. You are well within your rights to refuse to tell anyone whether you are married, and/or have children, et cetera. That's private info they have no right to, and of course you wouldn't want to discuss your children with a pedophile.

If your boss complains about you being "rude", tell him that you can either be "strong" or "nice" and both at once is not possible.

Is this strictly speaking a pedophile, or has he also raped adult women?

In threads where people talk about criminals they used to know, there was a pattern of only children feeling that something was off about pedophiles, or adults only noticing something off in how the pedophile acted with children, not with adults.

So, I wonder ...

By "locked away" do you mean there's a physical barrier between you and him?

Because if there's not, then I think you should listen to your gut and use any and all options open to you to get away from this person.

I'm shocked that you lack professional support within your organisation to the extent you have to discuss it on a general parenting forum like Mumsnet.

You really need to pursue your concerns in the real world with people a lot closer to the problem than the general public most of whom have no idea how to deal with it, certainly far less than you.

No barrier unless he's in his room.he can't access certain places (obviously).
Not threat to adult women.
But he's a threat to minors/children.

Do you have someone like a mentor/colleague that you could go and see to have a chat about this guy?

I think it's perfectly normal to react the way you are. Sometimes clients do get under your skin and it's important to be able to talk about it to someone you trust.

Also talking about boundaries. It might be that you need to have different boundaries with him than other clients. For example, with my own clients, there are people I would never mention if I'm married or if I have children. They are coming to see me to help them sort their problems out not for me to talk about my private life. So I wouldn't see nit wanting to answer that sort of question as an issue or rude.
It might well mean that HE is pushing boundaries in a way that makes you uncomfortable. So that would be worth exploring.

I have come on here like most seeking advice and experience from others. Sometimes the pressures of this career can be hard as as you have just proved you are seen to have to be professional. Hard to open up to people who look up to you. And expect nothing more then stength and professionalism.

Talking to family and friends proves difficult as they can't relate.

Sorry I missed the bit where you say you give supervision.
But do you receive supervision?
Have talked about how you are feeling about this guy, talked about boundaries etc..? And most importantly, did it help?

My experience with dealing with clients that are you react like this is that you need to talk and share the issue. And the more you do it, the more you will be able to take the distance, adjust your behaviour and feel better about it.

Xpost.

I agree. Friends and family are not the right people to talk to.
But you do need to find someone you can talk within your own profession that isn't someone who works for you (or your boss), i.e. They aren't involved directly with your job, to work things out.

Yes I'm on waiting list.

OP I have a family member who used to be a prison officer and who came into contact with all sorts. He once met a very famous murderer. He said he could see the pure evil in his eyes and how he had no remorse. He found it very difficult to be around them.

I think you are doing amazingly well and I applaud you for sticking with it and trying to find coping strategies.

I think you need a stock phrase, something like "I'm afraid I don't disclose that sort of thing at work" or "I'd rather talk about what you are xxxxxx" and repeat.

I also think in your shoes I would need to be on autopilot and go through the motions. Perhaps the hardest struggle is trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If it's in your nature to help then that's not easy.

Your manager is an arse. He needs to give you the tools to manage this. In what ways do you find this impacts you the most? Stress? Anxiety? Whatever it is, this is what you need to highlight to your manager as he had a duty of care to you and your wellbeing - don't let him forget that!

I have children and I would point blank refuse to work with someone who I knew to be a peadophille. I just wouldn't be able to get over the paranoia that they would go after my children-I know, it's ridiculous but it's one of my biggest fears.

Does your organisation provide professional advice for people in your position. Most of us on here have never been in your position so can't really offer advice. Have you asked your boss for an Employee Assistance referral for counselling for yourself.?

"I'm shocked that you lack professional support within your organisation to the extent you have to discuss it on a general parenting forum like Mumsnet."

Snap. If you're in any sort of therapeutic or support role, as you hint that you are, there should be proper supervision structures in place to deal with exactly this sort of eventuality. Even if you supervise others, as you say you do, you should have a supervisor too and should be able to explore these concerns in supervision sessions.

Maverick thank you for your kind words.
This client puts this fear in my stomach. But I'm not afraid of him this is what I'm finding difficult to explain it's bizzare.
When engaging and he asks personal questions I backtrack to his life and talk about him.
Sometimes I tell little lies (not having pets but I do)
He stares.and has little blink reflect so is wide eyed.
I seen much more intimidating people but there is a unfamiliar feeling around him that I can't put my finger on. I often have a fight or flight response when approached by him (crazy!) why ?? I have no idea. He is no one to me but a client. My supervision is due I have been open about this in the past and have been told to get the support. Which I have and am .

If you dont work with him, who will. Are you hoping to find someone who is fine with paedophilia to do it? I think its a bit virtue signalling tbh

It's my job and as explained I will continue to do so.
I need to overcome this feeling around him. I wouldn't give up.

Could it be that you realise there is no hope of rehabilitation for him. There no remorse, no feelings from him

His lack of remorse is unnerving.
And the lack of empathy towards his victims is unsettling. But I can't say if there is or is no hope left. He has what most sex offenders don't have and that's family support (wife) so I suppose there is a flicker of hope.

It's absolutely a sixth sense or intuition you're experiencing around him. Some people just give off those vibes and you do want to just be away from them.

Yes, you will be giving the utmost professional care, I'm sure, but that won't make the experience inside be any easier for you.

I have no advise I'm afraid other than to keep doing as you are doing and hopefully get the support available to you as soon as possible. Is there any way you can speak to a manager above yours and discuss how you have been spoken to? This seems deeply unprofessional for them to talk to you in such an unsupportive and uncaring way. It's an emotionally high pressure environment and you need to be sure they have your back.

I met someone who was doing a PhD and working with serial killers. I asked her how she could go in to talk to them on her own and yes, she did find it hard especially at first.

She said there was only one man though where she went into the room (he was already there) and she knew just by a hello and looking at him that he would persuade her to do things that she didn't want to do. And she didn't mean 'persuade' in the way that he'd have to ask twice. She felt he was inside her head and if he asked for her to give him something - anything - she would give it.

She had to leave the room immediately and never saw him again.

It sounds as though you've met for the first time someone totally without empathy. Maybe your colleagues don't recognise that in him or maybe they've experienced it before. It doesn't take away the shock that you're experiencing.

I have a similar job to you OP ( similar in some ways anyway ), I don't want to write much on here as I don't want to out myself but I find it hard not being able to talk to anyone about my job and the feeling ps that come with it.

You don't have to tell your client personal things, I think it's ok to be friendly and answer a few questions but he doesn't need to know about your family life.