Working with a paedophile

[Tothemoonandbackagain]

I'm really really struggling!
I can't go into too much detail but I'm finding this incredibly hard to cope with.
Now I'm very professional in my role and I have always taken a non judgmental attitude whilst at work but this I'm finding hard.
I have dealt with and worked with extremely challenging people from the most vulnerable to the most dangerous.
But I can't connect with this person even though I'm trying my hardest.
I asked my boss if it was possible to avoid support for this person and he basically called me weak!! AIBU am I being overly sensitive!

Some people can do horrible things and change, but pedophilia means there is something so wrong in a person, you cannot go back from that, you cannot change them anymore than you can change the colour of your eyes. They will forever be a threat, because the crime was so twisted in the first place, it's not just a "mistake". It's the entire person who is wrong in the first place. I would never ever trust a paedophile. Some I can pity.

But coddiwomple surely the logical conclusion from what you have written is that whatever is "wrong" in the paedophile is something they are born with, didn't choose to have and cannot change. Therefore they are to be pitied. And of course helped to manage their condition to ensure that they never again act on these impulses.

I didn't answer your question, sorry. No YABU, can you go to HR or occ health for some moral support?

I remember once I had to look after a man who was a paedophile but I only discovered it after he went home.,. Thank god because I don't know how I would have coped.
He was gross, and suggestive in a creepy way so we all disliked caring for him.

OP I totally understand how awful it is!

There's no problem here OP. You are working with a peadophile. Some people can't be redeemed or rehabilitated and you've come across one. Your feelings of disgust and dislike are natural and healthy, and nothing to be ashamed of. If only there were more in the world like you and less like him.

Btw op are you a nurse by any chance??

Ime often nurses are particularly poorly supported in forensic roles with a lot of nursing narratives of 'practitioners not managing' and such nonsense when they ask for support?

are you a solicitor? if so, I think you need to say that you are unable to represent the best interests of your client and pass them over to someone else. Frame it as being in the client's interest.

There is absolutely no obligation for you to share personal information with anybody, let alone a convicted paedophile. That is not unprofessional, it's basic self-preservation surely?!

I have worked with paedophiles as part of my job. To be honest, I hated them as individuals but you would never have known. I was able to get what I needed from them to complete my work and had no further interaction.

Other people involved in the criminal justice sector feel the same way from my experience, having spoken with several colleagues.

I very much put on my professional face, and fake niceties so that I can do my job. I certainly don't allow talk about my professional life, but then in the course of my job it would be unusual to discuss that with clients anyway.

It does depend on what role you have and your involvement with this person. I am not in a supportive/rehabilitation role - I would struggle to fulfil this role with a paedophile.

I think you need to detach when dealing with this person. Put on your professional hat, and be polite and distant. I have found in the past that it is easier to make up an answer in situations when politeness calls for an answer but you don't want to disclose personal details. I would certainly not be discussing my true home life with a paedophile.

I never share my life with any of the clients. And I agree I have to be more professional.
I think I struggle to understand it. So again unprofessional.
I even struggle to engage with his wife who visits every month.

I would struggle with this too OP. I think refusing to talk about yourself is professional and not wrong on any level.

Is the situation likely to be ongoing for awhile?

Ongoing(years)

There are actually lots of people who have sexually abused children. You will already know people who have sexually abused children, even though you don't know they have.

I actually don't think it's unreasonable to not want to talk to a convicted, unremorseful paedophile about your children!!!

I used to have to work with some deeply unpleasant people and yes you do have to be above it all, and ignore what they are and what they did, but I wouldn't ever discuss any part of my life with them.

I did my job but I still think they're monsters and actually, they don't deserve to be treated with anything other than professionalism and the barest of civility.*

*there were those for whom I had more understanding based on what I knew of their backgrounds. But I still wouldn't talk to them about my kids.

You should not be giving details of your private life or kids. But surely no one in a professional role should be doing that anyway.

I'm suprised by how many give personal details to clients it's shocking

Surely you have supervision as part of your role and can discuss these feelings? I don't think the language used by your manager ie calling you weak is acceptable and it needs challenging. However in your professional capacity this client has a right to the same service as anyone else and you need to work on delivering that service. It is certainly only right that you maintain professional boundaries and refuse to anders any questions about your personal life.

I give the supervisions.
And during mine I am honest.
But it's hard.

I have struggled with this in the past but have been fortunate that I've always had good support and been able to discuss it in supervision. We are all human and are guided by our experiences and values and keeping professional boundaries is essential. Obviously you need to do your job and provide support but don't listen to anybody that calls you weak

I agree with Dawnedlightly

Where are the boundaries? in the wrong place if you are accused of being 'rude' for not informing a paedophile client whether you have children, FFS!!! and this situation has been going on for 'years'??
WHY???

Where is the supervision and training / support with immediate coping strategies?

I remember whilst doing a Masters in Counselling at a Russell group Uni everyone wringing their hands when I said I would struggle with a sex offender who had no interest in rehabilitation, rather in pushing boundaries and reliving their crimes. It happens. There has been a recent study finding that 'group work' with this client group can increase reoffending rates as it 'normalises' the behaviour. So can talking 1:1 if the boundaries are not in the right place. And clearly they arent, in a corporate sense.

If you are also struggling to connect with his wife then perhaps someone else needs to take over anyway?

Definitely not U to not talk about your private life. If he asks again say 'we only have a limited amount time to talk so I need to concentrate on you.'

In terms of coping I would think back to why you first trained for and now do your job. What was it that attracted you to the role? What did you hope to achieve? Do you get job satisfaction from your interaction with other clients? Perhaps the lack of connection with this client is preventing him from being more open with you and that might explain his apparent lack of empathy and remorse (or perhaps he is a psychopath in which case he is incapable of feeling, let alone showing those emotions).

I actually understand your struggle with his wife more. If you are expecting him to show remorse I assume he must have confessed his guilt rather than maintain his innocence. To see a wife stand by a man in those circumstances is disturbing.

I cant explain how I feel about him.
Have you ever had a gut feeling or just some kind of sixth sense?
I get that whilst engaging.
I see evil I can't explain it
Of course his treatment should be no different to anyone else I agree.
But this overwhelming feeling is blocking me.

If you are adequately supervised and you're confident that your workplace is emotionally safe (colleagues oversharing and your managers comment notwithstanding) just concentrate on your actions and discount any effect they might have. So say to yourself I'm going to deliver the service and be present during our sessions, write up the bare minimum and engage in supervision but this man will not take up any of my emotional energy otherwise.

Love my job I feel great job satisfaction. Rehabilitation is key and a great achievement!
I have not had any other problems in the past. There have been times of frustration and upset but that is in any job. This however is different