Working with a paedophile

[Tothemoonandbackagain]

I'm really really struggling!
I can't go into too much detail but I'm finding this incredibly hard to cope with.
Now I'm very professional in my role and I have always taken a non judgmental attitude whilst at work but this I'm finding hard.
I have dealt with and worked with extremely challenging people from the most vulnerable to the most dangerous.
But I can't connect with this person even though I'm trying my hardest.
I asked my boss if it was possible to avoid support for this person and he basically called me weak!! AIBU am I being overly sensitive!

That's what I thought too Allthewaves, it's the fact that this man is evil and knows it and doesn't WANT to not hurt children. The lack of remorse, no prospects of ever rehabilitating this man will be a hard concept for most to get their heads around.

Tothemoonandback You are absolutely entitled to be spooked by him. A therapist on the outside will gel with some clients and not with others, the fact that you have not gelled at all with this client isn't that hard a concept to get.

You are correct in not wanting to share details about your personal life, and actually, if this is a general boundary that you have, good for you! It's not 'rude' to say that you don't want to share aspects of your private life in your professional life.

I'd also wonder if this manager of yours is subscribing to a sexist belief that a woman can't say no without appearing rude and that she must provide all info if requested to by a man.

I would absolutely repeat and repeat that my personal details, family, or any kind of details about your life outside the facility are off limits and irrelevant to him especially as he will never see the light of day again

Your manager should be supporting you as a professional, in saying that your private life is of no relevance to this man, and you are within your rights to decide to share or not.

It could be that you could learn from this experience, but one would have to say that while he may deserve this service, due to your lack of connection with him, it's less likely to be effective than if the relationship were on better terms.

To the poster that shared about her friend doing a PhD
The feeling she has was EXACTLY the first feeling I had from him how strange!

It sounds very much as if he's constantly testing you, asking for information and getting right under your skin. You've engaged in that by giving any information even if it's false. I suggest you stop immediately and repeat a stock phrase over and over. 'We aren't here to talk about me, now let's get on with..'

It's absolutely crap that you have no official support but what about informal peer support? Do you ever swap clients among colleagues? In my profession we did ocassionally resort to this if there was an absolute problem with building a working relationship.

If not I can only suggest you get practical and break your allocated time into very short slots and plan those slots very carefully so there are as few pauses or intervals for him to start manipulating you. You are the one in control, not him. Repeat this in your head.

Then leave, open the car window and blow him out of your head and reward yourself for a very difficult job done as well as you are able.

Thank you matildathecat
I never bring him home with me I leave all my thoughts of him at the front door.

It sounds as though he is enjoying trying to play with you.
Exhausting for you, actually bad for him too.
Where is the professional support?
Worrying.

What hissy and mathildathecat say!!

His asking is unlikely to be idle chatter...

If I was working with him, I would be very much including this as part of his presentation... For example 'continually asks female staff about their home lives( in an attempt to rattle them) '

Was it your manager who said you were rude not disclosing your personal details. That's incredibly disturbing.

Majority of colleagues say it's rude.the rest have boundaries like me.

Manager said I need to be stronger in myself.

Honestly, your manager is really shit. Might be worth a grievance.

He's overrun all the time. Hardly see him.

I work within the prison service and it can be incredibly hard. Ask your boss's boss for more support.

When it's time for his sessions he can go the entire hour without blinking it's unsettling.
Also sees himself as hard done by.

I don't think you were wrong to not share personal information. It's not relevant to the professional relationship, and I also decline to answer if it makes me feel uncomfortable to do so. Just politely and breezily say "Now X, we're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you!" and ask a question to immediately move conversation along. If they further push, just firmly say "That's not important for what we are talking about" and reiterate the question. Will this person like it? Probably not. But you're here to work with them, not be their friend.

Other than that, my advice would be to break up interactions if at all possible. Keep conversations short, go away and do something else, then come back to it. I find that way when I find someone emotionally draining or difficult it helps me keep my game face on. Good luck!

That post was fascinating Imperial I had to read it through a few times before I really got it. There are some very scary people in the world and nothing is scarier than one who wouldn't feel guilt or remorse. I applaud you for doing your job op, it's no doubt an important one and clearly very difficult. I wish I could help you but people have had some good suggestions and without knowing all the details it's very hard to advise. I don't understand how he doesn't need to blink!!

What a wonder is why you are struggling with this man in particular when you have managed in the past and colleagues have no trouble.

I wonder if he is being intentionally provocative or personal with you. What you feel is a threat or instinct to get away because he is wanting you to feel that way and subtly treating you differently.

Your boss sounds unbelievably unprofessional and dangerous. Why is he treating his staff so casually?

You should receive ongoing therapy/supervision as part of your job. Sorry this is lacking. It must be very hard.

Keep notes on how your boss is dealing with you. If you end up needing to take time off for stress etc. you may need to deal with him being difficult about that. He isn't being professional competent. Watch your back.

Oh and I would seriously think about pushing for a colleague to take this client. He seems to have an overly provocative relationship with you.

Towards you
Not with you

It seems like he gets off on knowing bits and pieces about his service providers. You know who else did this? Hannibal Lecter. He didn't blink either. Granted he was only a fictional character, but still. Maybe he saw Silence of the Lambs and is copying the character to freak out service providers for his own amusement.

Your refusal to play his warped little game and hand over personal information pissed him off to the extent he complained about you.

No blink reflect.
Very uncommon! But real. The reflect that tells our brain to blink is not as active basically.

Plus staring at someone without blinking is a form of control and dominance.

Hope this thread won't be read by him. He would enjoy it.

Who complained about your refusal to give details of your life, family and children to a convicted and unrepentant paedophile?

The convicted and unrepentant paedophile?

He's not asking for the sake of idle chit chat. You know this.

I agree with the strategies offered here, state that you don't discuss your life in your professional role, state that it's irrelevant to the matter at hand, repeat, grey rock.

He's trying to rattle you.

As an abuse survivor and a mum to 2 DDs now, this is not something I can ever imagine doing! But I suppose it is different if they're showing remorse and genuinely wanting to be rehabilitated?

I think you definitely should have more support in this case; it must be very uncomfortable.

But why the heck are you being expected to share personal information about your children with such a person?? That's completely sick!