Working with a paedophile

[Tothemoonandbackagain]

I'm really really struggling!
I can't go into too much detail but I'm finding this incredibly hard to cope with.
Now I'm very professional in my role and I have always taken a non judgmental attitude whilst at work but this I'm finding hard.
I have dealt with and worked with extremely challenging people from the most vulnerable to the most dangerous.
But I can't connect with this person even though I'm trying my hardest.
I asked my boss if it was possible to avoid support for this person and he basically called me weak!! AIBU am I being overly sensitive!

I'm also wondering how his wife can still support him? Does she believe that he's not guilty?

I hope you find a way to work with him without having to answer personal questions.

In my experience few sex offenders were truly sorry and appalled at their actions...
Many showed pretend remorse /faux empathy... As in it didn't carry forward into their future behaviour sufficiently... They did this either for their own amusement or to gain benefit (parole/lesser time inside)

I posted a link to a helpline upthread but as it's a Union/ professional body I asked for it to be deleted. PM if you want the details, tothemoon

The deleted post also agreed with Cockadasicail consider raising a grievance against your manager.

IAmTheDevilsAvocado, I suspect you're absolutely right, and these people are narcissistic personalities who think only of themselves and saying the right things to get out of jail. They might weep 'crocodile tears' of course. This particular character has probably been getting a kick out of this, knowing that he's unnerving her because she has children. It's a power trip.

I think you should ask not to work with him.

You are clearly experienced and able to deal with many difficult characters in your professional role so it doesn't reflect badly on you. It sounds like this person is deliberately freaking you out and it's inappropriate for them to ask about your personal life. I can't see how you continuing to work with them is going to help them - they are probably getting a kick out of your discomfiture

I'm not surprised you find this hard to deal with, I believe most people would find this challenging.
In my role we use unconditional positive regard, if you are unfamiliar with this it is the basic acceptance of a person, regardless of what a person says or does. This is difficult to achieve but ultimately helpful ime.

From what I have gathered from reading, boundaries are put into place in what appears to be a way that doesn't offend the client/isn't seen as blunt. In my experience of working with dangerous people/sex offenders/people detained under MoJ sections, sometimes boundaries have to be made apparent. A "We aren't here to talk about me, I'm not going to answer these questions, let's get back to the focus of the session (repeat a question)"....no lies to appear as though you have answered/vague responses. It could be a way of scoping out how much you are willing to give to your client, any response to what you feel is inappropriate, a lie or otherwise, will give an impression of yourself to him that you do not want. You are not being rude, you are being safe. In my experience, that can result in them refusing to answer your questions as retaliation. "Client X did not engage with session, refused to respond." If you are feeling under pressure from staff to engage with a client but you feel your interactions are not productive/inappropriate, you have a responsibility s a practitioner to vocalise this in hope that someone else can find a way of using the clients sessions productively. If not and you re the only person for the job, vocalise to the client that you feel that your time together has not been productive previously, too much focus has been on topics that are not relevant and you need to be more concise in this time for things to be beneficial for client. Take the lead. Document it. Document response. Cover yourself. If anybody argues with your approach you will have documented supervision re: your concerns/supervisor response. You will have documented your change of approach in line with not giving up on client and client responses if any. Maybe it works in your favour, either by changing the way the client responds or documenting an evident lack of therapeutic relationship. Good luck though. Not an easy client group at the best of times.

Surely in any supportive role if you as the professional can't build a relationship with your client or caseworker then you have the right to tell your manager that it's not in the clients best interests for you to work with them.

If your going to have to work with this group and really struggle then you need training, support and coping mechanisms. If you can't get passed it then time to look for another job.

with regards to the wierd vibe he gives off....got to suck it up given your job. one day he wont be your patient and there will be another to take his place. it's all about professionalism, you work in an area where judgement is only allowed in your head. unless the vibe pertains to your safety, it is just part and parcel. sucks.

I don't know your role, or the other offenders you work with, however, could this be an indication that you are perhaps reaching saturation point/burnout and need to seek counselling or support? I'll admit I haven't read the whole thread so this may have been suggested before but if you are working in a difficult environment the you are entitled to professional support and this should be recognised by a supervisor

Can he get information about you and your private life from your other clients or from social media? If so, he might compare what you tell them with what you are prepared to tell him. This will show him that you are afraid, which he will enjoy.

I definitely don't think you should tell him anything about your life. How long will he remain inside?

He definitely knows things because when I respond with an answer that I know is not correct or of truth he will smile this very itching smile.
His body language suggests he knows exactly what he is doing.

I have never shared any personal information about myself to him.

He is the only client in over a decade that I can't be around and struggle to engage with.

I consider myself a grounded, logical person but I do think there are people in the world, very, very few, who are evil.

Is it possible that your company are insisting you stick with him because he appears to open up to you/show an interest in you? That's not good, I agree, but I recall listening to Susan Calman on the radio talking about when she did legal work for death row inmates in the US. She said she discovered that she was always sent to talk to one particular inmate because she matched his victims' profiles (short, dark haired women) and he would therefore only open up to her. She left shortly after.

I would strongly suggest that you stop seeing this individual. He is getting off on your distress. He knows you are uncomfortable. Tell your manager that you refuse to see this person. This person sees you as weak and a plaything. Stop it before it goes too far.

That's really hard OP, do you get counselling as part of your job? I really understand where you're coming from as know how I feel after seeing a documentary about Eric Gill. I cannot use the the font now or see it without feeling sick.
I guess if it's part of your professional life you just have to get on with it though?

I've worked with a few ex-offenders over the years, sometimes under the top level of MAPPA. I always make sure I don't know any detail of their offences and never google them!

It's tough, but I deal with it by being ultra-professional. Never engaging in personal conversation, or giving away personal info (I'd just say it would be against our procedures if asked a personal question), and almost putting a mental barrier between me and them, and constantly reminding myself that I must not judge them. They're entitled to the same level of support as any other client, and I say that to myself over and over again.

I have a massively supportive manager, who makes sure she is available after those visits if I need to offload, and that helps an awful lot. On one occasion, I had to raise a safeguarding because a client with a forensic history involving children got into a relationship with a single mum, who was herself vulnerable. My manager allocated another worker after that, in case he sussed that it was me and became ... difficult.

I'll be working with another one soon, grooming and child prostitution offences, and I'm not looking forward to it. But then I'd rather it was me than one of my colleagues who can't work in that sort of "semi-detached" way.

The thing that freaked me out the most was working with a man (not an ex-offender) for 6 months, doing home visits alone, and then seeing in the local paper that he'd been sentenced to 15 years for raping 2 women.

That made me feel really sick and very vulnerable, and I really lost confidence in my instincts for a while after that, because I never got that sort of vibe from him.

I work with paedophiles also, many of them not just one. My view is that I am there to do a contracted job not to judge people for what they have done, that isn't in my contract and they have already been judged as they are now in prison.
Therefore I don't think about it, I just go in and do my job and treat them the same as anyone else. I forget about them the second I walk out of the door.
You cannot dwell on it. Overthinking is a killer in this type of job.

Refuse to comtinue the work unless you get some special 1:1 supervision for this client, without which the work is emotionally unsafe for you - is there someone like a psychologist or social worker, even if not directly in your team or agency, who could do this for you? Good to go to your manager with a solution or direct request.

You can't hide from your true emotions of this and it is causing you alarming distress because you think you should be different.

Sod it. Sod him. Not everyone can get the results of a good day at work. Not everyone gets a pleasant attitude from the checkout staff, not everyone gets saved by an A&E doctor, not every bunch of flowers a florist makes is going to be right. The world turns.

You don't give good "work" to this man, who cares. He only cares because you do .

Find a colleague you respect and reach out to them, ask them for help. Explain your discomfort and ask to meet outside of work for a coffee. Follow your thoughts and resolve them as far as you can. Go to Church, talk to a priest about evil, watch TV that haunts you. Whatever it is you need to look further in rather than cover it up. This problem will resolve but the resolution will not be you suddenly gaining empathy for this man or gaining the connection you think you need to work. It will be you finding the bridge to walk over his attitude, to his sneering and disgust. You will repel his evil because in time when you stop thinking you should care, you will realise he has no hold over you and you can do a crap professional job if you need to. The world will keep turning and he will have gained nothing.

"Also sees himself as hard done by."

From details given, sounds like many in OP's client base will feel that way.
You don't have to like him or find anything positive in his company in order to do your job. You have a role, so get on with it. Fake it until you Make it.

If you're his Lawyer: if he was rich he could afford any lawyer, why should the Rich get good legal representation & nobody else? How could we believe in justice if only the rich have a chance at good legal defense. You would still have a valuable role.

If you're in another service role: there's a chance that your kindness will a positive influence on him. Or maybe it's only your job & there's no chance you could reduce his malevolance, but at least you can know you did your best & you have a clean conscience in how you dealt with him. You tell us if need to like him or trust him at all in order to do your job. How do you think doctors manage, after all, with some of their patients?

Sounds like he is trying to play mind games with you, OP. So sorry you are being unsupported at work. Please trust those 'gut feelings' especially if they are telling you danger and they have never been evoked by any other client in ten years in your role.