Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH treating me like an employee.

277 replies

romi80 · 15/05/2017 13:50

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go Hmm I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

OP posts:
Kokusai · 15/05/2017 13:52

OMG that sounds infuritating!

he said he might have needed me to write some notes down
Both arms?
Because if only one arm he could by typing with one hand....

Can you go out for much of the day? Walks? Swimming? See friends? Leave him some ready meals for lunch.

krustykittens · 15/05/2017 13:53

Jesus Christ, we both work from home and I would kill my OH if he did this! For a start, he get's his own fecking lunch, he's not bloody handicapped! If your OH can't do it for himself at the moment then remind him to bloody well ask and ask nicely for favours. If he wants to treat you like a PA, start invoicing him! Or just tell him give his fucking head a wobble or he will find himself looking for a nanny and a housekeeper.

Frouby · 15/05/2017 13:53

Tell him to fuck off. Is he paying you? Is his company paying you? If not tell him you don't have time and if he can't do his job then he gets on the sick.

If it was a climbing accident did he have insurance? Could he claim against that for loss of earnings?

I wouldn't be spoken to like that. Dp tried it a couple of times (wr run a business together) and he has been told right royally to go fuck himself a couple of times.

peekyboo · 15/05/2017 13:53

Have you been writing notes for him all this time or is he now asking you to do more? It's totally the way some bosses treat their staff, especially holding his hand up! Ugh!!
If you're already aware that he won't take your concerns seriously, don't assume that's because your concerns aren't serious in the first place. He's obviously used to being the one in the right?

MyOtherNameIsTaken · 15/05/2017 13:54

Think this would be the day that I decided to skip lunch totally if he said that to me. Angry

plantsitter · 15/05/2017 13:54

OMG! I would've punched him by now. You need to ignore him, frankly. 'Oh I didn't hear you, darling! I've had lunch, see you later bye!'

krustykittens · 15/05/2017 13:54

Gawd, ignore the unnecessary apostrophe in that post.

gamerchick · 15/05/2017 13:55

Invoice the twat.

Huldra · 15/05/2017 13:56

I'm not sure what I would do first, swear or laugh at him?

someonestolemynick · 15/05/2017 13:56

Sorry, but why are you compliant in this.

In your example I would have just walked out of his office. In the lunch example I would have just said: "Lovely. I'm not fussed about timings, what are you making."

Whether he's being thoughtless or just an arsehole if you follow his instructions you send him the message that what he is doing is ok.

Challenge it every single time. Do your own thing and tell him that if he wants your support he needs to treat you with respect.

EchidnasPhone · 15/05/2017 13:57

I hate when my dh works from home. It's basically another person in the house expecting table service & silence! Drives mad. I now go out & if home don't alter my routine at all. If he takes a lunch break I ask him to do stuff - put things in the attic, washing away & if he doesn't take a lunch break I ask him to finish early so he can help. Since I've started doing this he works a lot less from home or he hides upstairs 😆

ElspethFlashman · 15/05/2017 13:57

Get out of the house more and stay out longer. Be unavailable. Particularly at lunch time. He would have had a sandwich at his desk so he can make himself a sandwich in his own kitchen, cast or not.

He is incredibly rude to you, and quite contemptuous of you but that's a bigger problem.

However you standing there for 5 minutes was ridiculous. If he was on the phone, you should have turned on your heel and walked out again and continued what ypu were doing. You must have looked like you were literally awaiting instructions.

FatOldBag · 15/05/2017 13:58

"I'll have lunch when you're ready" "Go on then, I'm ready whenever, help yourself".

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 15/05/2017 13:58

If he is not sufficiently recovered to do his job without your help then he should be on sick leave. I would have just said 'I am not your PA' and walked out. Or ask him how much he is paying you for your PA services? My DH works from home sometimes but I just get on my stuff and he gets on with his work. He makes his own lunch too, though if I am going out I will ask him if he wants me to get him anything.

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 13:58

I don't usually write notes for him, but he gives me random things to do all the time - finding things, call this or that person, bring him drinks -it could be anything. It's his manner rather than the actual tasks and he never considers what I might be doing.

OP posts:
ScarlettFreestone · 15/05/2017 14:01

I would sit down (when you aren't so angry and he isn't working) and remind him that you aren't staff.

You are quite happy to help as necessary but you won't be "summoned" and expect to be accorded basic manners and appreciation for your help.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/05/2017 14:02

Tell him he's talking to you like an Employee, that you don't like it and won't tolerate it.

When he shouts you, ignore him and he'll have to come and find you.

ScarlettFreestone · 15/05/2017 14:02

Oh and start saying "no" more often.

I bet he gets his own drinks at work.

someonestolemynick · 15/05/2017 14:02

I have done all these things for my DP as has he done for me.

What would happen if you tasked your DP with finding you something or getting you a drink?

PamplemousseRouge · 15/05/2017 14:03

OP Flowers this would infuriate me no end! You're far more patient than me! Have you talked to him about how it's making you feel at all?

(Also, I know this is a very petty suggestion, but could you give him a taste of his own medicine? And then if he calls out on it, you could tell him that he's been treating you the same way and it's unacceptable?)

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 15/05/2017 14:05

call this or that person

What sort of calls are you making? Is it the gas company to query your household bill or is he asking you to make phone calls for his work? If so what do his employers think of that? You are not employed by them, so not accountable to them. I think you should refuse to make any works calls for him as it puts everyone on very dodgy ground. Be firm about that one if nothing else.

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 14:06

If he had a PA at work, but now works from home, why hasn't he employed his PA to come and work from home with him.

Or did he just automatically presume you would do it!

Taking notes!! FFS. I don't know anyone who needs someone to do this for them anymore.
Even my CEO of a large company doesn't need someone to do this for him.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 15/05/2017 14:08

Make sure you clock off at 5 pm and do absolutely naff all for him til 9 am tomo.

Sunshinesuperman · 15/05/2017 14:08

My DH has a senior job which is very full on, he frequently works away from home during the week. However he does often work from home when home. I have a part time job and look after the house and DC. I do find myself having to remind him that 1, I don't work for him. 2, Organising the house is my job and unless he is going to help he can stop telling how to do it and 3. There is no dishwasher fairy that will magically put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher he needs to do this. He isn't all bad tho and did make me a nice lunch today. The house is much tidier when he isn't here though! I feel your pain.

HandbagCrazy · 15/05/2017 14:08

How injured is he? Can he write?
What kind of job is it - does he have a PA in work that would normally do these things?

I think it's hard to judge ATM. He sounds infuriating but if he's trying to work and physically can't do the things he needs to, then I would try and make things workable for you whilst helping him out - I.e agree that you'll help him between 9am-1pm (or whatever works for you) or that you'll take 1 complete task off him.

If on the other hand, he's just being an arse and is perfectly capable, point out you're not his employee and when he calls you into his office, tell him that you're busy / doing X / off the clock. Stop acting like an employee and demand that he respects you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread