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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH treating me like an employee.

277 replies

romi80 · 15/05/2017 13:50

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go Hmm I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 15:28

Romi
seriously...
I just feel so sad right now.
If you can't see how awful this situation is then perhaps spend some of your joint money to see a counsellor to try and work out how you have ended up like this.
You need to start asking yourself some very serious questions about your life with your OH, and doing it in a safe and private environment is a good start.
Clearly it can be afforded

Elphaba99 · 15/05/2017 15:28

I worry about the example that this is setting your DCs - that it's acceptable for him to treat you like an employee at best/slave at worst. If you have boys, how long before they think it's ok to treat women in this way - and if you have girls, they will think it's ok.

This doesn't sound like an equal partnership in any way. More like a parent/child relationship than two adults. 🙁

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 15:29

also perhaps get this moved to relationships board, there will be a lot of good advice there on the deeper issues for you

HepKestrel · 15/05/2017 15:30

sounds like you need to rearrange your night out with friends! in fact .... perhaps a long weekend away?

TheVeryThing · 15/05/2017 15:31

I'm sorry but he sounds like a complete and utter arsehole. I have no real advice becasue there is no way I could tolerate living with someone like this and it sounds like you feel the same.
It's not normal to dread going into your own home, and to be treated in such a disgraceful way. I wouldn't take it from my boss, and I certainly wouldn't take it from a partner.
You deserve much better than this, and if he cannot listen to what you're saying and tries to twist everything around, then I really don't know what you can do to change things.
I know that I would end up exploding & reading the riot act, but you don't seem to feel like you can do that.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2017 15:32

He's a gaslighting prick. He changes the subject, you say, 'You're changing the subject to gaslight me, it won't work,' and carry on.

Fucking off on all these hobbies, he really thinks he's King Shit, doesn't he?

He's been treating you like a domestic appliance for a long time is my guess.

Dozer · 15/05/2017 15:36

Individual counselling with a good practitioner, eg BACP member, would be a good idea.

BritInUS1 · 15/05/2017 15:37

I'd tell him to get lost - you are not there to be his skivvy - he's got a broken arm, he's not immobile is he?

I would be reminding him that you have your own stuff to get on with. I certainly wouldn't have waited 5 minutes while he was on the phone while he told me to be quiet !

SiouxieQ · 15/05/2017 15:43

He has no respect for you, he orders you around like you're his dog and treats you like something he's trodden in.
He keeps moving the goal posts and setting you up to 'fail' by withholding information so he can belittle you and make you feel stupid and inadequate.
He gaslights you, manipulates you in to feeling guilty for challenging him and clearly enjoys creating situations where he can feel like he is has authority and power over you.
This isn't how a true husband treats his wife, sorry OP but is not stay another minute.

SiouxieQ · 15/05/2017 15:43

I'd

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/05/2017 15:47

I agree with the others. This is shocking behaviour and you shouldn't be putting up with it.

In other judgemental thoughts, I also think it's rather pathetic that a fully grown man can't go to work thanks to a wrist cast and a few scratches and stitches. I've not missed a day despite a leg broken in two places and a cast up to my thigh. He won't terrify people - they'll just think "oh he had an accident" and get on with it.

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 15:52

Yes I do feel like he sets me up to fail with unrealistic expectations and withholding information. Then he accuses me of not supporting him enough.

I told him yesterday that si much of what I do for him is invisible. He did seem to accept that. but I don't know if it will make any difference.

At other times he can be so complimentary e.g. about the way I look or something like that. Also if anyone else is giving me trouble or making me upset, he's lovely and really supportive.

OP posts:
Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 15:55

Hodge - his face is really bad at the moment.
Regardless of this, he is tending to work more from home these days anyway. I think he's extra frustrated at the moment because of the cast as it's slowing him down.

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 15/05/2017 15:58

If want him to change, it can go 2 ways:

  1. he does and you're happier
  2. he doesn't like the new, assertive, equal to him, you.

If he goes down route 2, you've got to face that it could be the beginning of the end....

MickeyRooney · 15/05/2017 15:59

You're married to a bully.

Goldfishjane · 15/05/2017 16:00

OP are you the "dust on the door frame" poster? This sounds very familiar.

If you want a shred of self respect you need to stop tolerating this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2017 16:01

At other times he can be so complimentary e.g. about the way I look or something like that.

That's quite telling, isn't it? That your abilities, intelligence and work are doubted and belittled but your looks are complimented. Quite clever of him if he wanted you to know your place.

Goldfishjane · 15/05/2017 16:01

And giving compliments and words of support, that's easy. It doesn't make him less of an arse.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2017 16:03

'I think he's extra frustrated at the moment because of the cast as it's slowing him down.'

I was once a serious rock climber. It wasn't just a hobby, it was a way of life (this was pre-kids), and I devoted every spare moment I was working to it or training for it. I had a serious accident and wound up having 3 major surgeries on my legs within weeks of each other that cost me nearly a year out. It was painful and frustrating, but being an adult, I didn't take it out on my then husband. It wasn't his fault. Because that's what adults do. Adults say, 'I'm feeling really down and upset because of the pain and slow recovery.' Adults go to the GP and tell them about these feelings, and/or arrange to see a counsellor about it and how to develop strategies to deal with it. Because it's not on to use people as punching bags unless you'll all signed up to be boxers or MMartists or the like.

The fact that he's working more from home is very worrying, because he is emotionally manipulative at best.

melonribena · 15/05/2017 16:03

How old are your children op?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 15/05/2017 16:03

Your first night away in TEN years?!

This is not okay and a very unequal relationship. Why is that?

You are worth more than this.

MrsArthurShappey · 15/05/2017 16:05

At other times he can be so complimentary e.g. about the way I look or something like that. Also if anyone else is giving me trouble or making me upset, he's lovely and really supportive.

He sees you as his property to do with what he will. I can't imagine living like this Sad

Hissy · 15/05/2017 16:07

Go selectively deaf.

Be very busy, leave him with a loaf and some ham, tea, kettle and coffee and go the fuck out with a friend.

He's revolting. Utterly vile.

He had PAs, he can call them

Liiinoo · 15/05/2017 16:08

I can sort of understand him doing the hand thing. It's rude, but if he is in work mode and focussing hard I can see how it could happen.

What I can't understand is you waiting there until he deigns to notice you. If it happens again walk away. And don't answer straightaway when he calls - you are not his bitch lapdog to command. And tell him why - 'I do have my own life/I'm not your employee'/what did your last slave die of?

SlothMama · 15/05/2017 16:09

He sounds like an arse, if anyone spoke to me like that in work I'd say no let alone my partner.