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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH treating me like an employee.

277 replies

romi80 · 15/05/2017 13:50

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go Hmm I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/05/2017 14:35

He would say you were being aggressive if you told him to make his own lunch?

This shite has been going on for months...

No. This shite has clearly been going in for a very long time because he thinks he's superior to you. Fuck that for a joke.

Why are you putting up with it?

Hissy · 15/05/2017 14:35

Sometimes I wonder if he is trying to make me feel inadequate as well. He will ask me to ring somebody, e.g. insurance or whatever, but not my give me the details I need or the full picture. Then if I haven't done it , he's huffing and puffing.

Ah fuck it, break his OTHER hand if he tries that one again!

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 14:36

It actually sounds like the problem is much deeper than just this incident

Obviously he works in an industry that is well known for it's aggressive nature, and perhaps he carries that into his home life.
A certain sense of entitlement, especially if the job is very highly paid.

Perhaps it is worth sitting down with him one day and trying to explain that he cannot treat his family like he (and many other colleagues) treat their subordinates at work.

YOU ARE NOT A SUBORDINATE

the longest I ever lasted going out with a banker was 2 weeks...he was an UTTER cunt to everyone and thought it was normal behaviour (not saying they're all like that)

TheGoodEnoughWife · 15/05/2017 14:36

Call him out on it Every Single Time.

Just because he accuses you of something does not make it true.

Every time just calmly say No/not at the moment/you are being rude to me/I am busy/I am not your PA.

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 14:37

I also am not sure I could love a man who clearly treated his staff with no respect, let alone you

Topseyt · 15/05/2017 14:37

The "lunch when you're ready" comment would have me telling him that I wasn't ready and wouldn't be eating again until evening. Then, I would watch his jaw drop to the floor and bugger off out of the house for a few hours.

He does need a certain amount of help with his arm in a cast, but it doesn't give him the right to treat you like his skivvy. Tell him that, and if he moans then just leave him alone to stew.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/05/2017 14:38

There's no way I'd be staying out of my home to avoid him, that's not the answer.

He needs telling to either sort his fucking horrible attitude out or to just fuck off. That's no way to live. He's done such a number on you, you barely even see the problem :(

cordeliavorkosigan · 15/05/2017 14:40

If he treats his PA, staff and colleagues like that, I bet they think he's rude too. It won't help him.
I'm in an industry where being direct is not considered rude, so it's ok to say "I think that idea is never going to work" or even "you're wrong there". But what you've described would not be considered acceptable at all.
"Rude" shouldn't apply just to you and not to him. Nor should "aggressive". After all, "aggressive" is maybe what he should expect when he treats you like his PA and is rude about it on top of that.
Sounds like he can't take any criticism and is acting like a total dick.

tissuesosoft · 15/05/2017 14:41

I would record each interaction you have with him at home whilst he's working then play it back to him later in the day, so he can hear how much of an arse he is being

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 14:41

It's very difficult to argue with him because he gets very defensive and changes the subject (maybe this is gaslighting, I'm not sure)? For instance, when I told him how he makes me feel when he's dismissive about food I've made for him (this was yesterday), he just started going on about how he was very disappointed that I hadn't called such and such in relation to his accident, even though I was not aware he'd expected me to have done that. But that had nothing to do with it and thinking about it later on, I think that kind of thing might be called gas lighting? It's very annoying, whatever it is.

OP posts:
Elphaba99 · 15/05/2017 14:41

Justbreathing agreed. I cannot BEAR gratuitous rudeness, lack of basic manners, or self-entitled twats who think they are superior to other humans because of job description. hyperventilates 😡😡😡

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 14:41

Yes that is gaslighting

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 15/05/2017 14:44

That breakfast is cold comment would have made me put salt in his coffee I am afraid. And don't make any of his business calls. If you get something wrong & someone complains then how will he explain it? Doesn't the FSA have rules about that kind of stuff?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/05/2017 14:44

he just started going on about how he was very disappointed that I hadn't called such and such in relation to his accidentHmm

He's a tool.

Keep standing up for yourself and when he changes the subject like above bring the conversation back to what you were talking about and don't let it drop.

Goldfishjane · 15/05/2017 14:45

OP why are you putting up with this?

it doesn't sound recent i.e. just related to the accident. it sounds like it's been going on for ages.

tell him to fuck off. if he says "you're being difficult" tell him to fuck off some more. Or do you fear he will hit you if you do that? In which case, I'd say seek help from Women's Aid etc Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/05/2017 14:45

Distraction drives me mad

Me: It really hurts my feelings when....

Him: Well YOU dont do XYZ AND........

and then you end up defending yourself and realise that you have ended up in the wrong about something that you hadnt even wanted to discuss. The phrase "Thats got nothing to do with what I said, stop trying to change the subject" comes up a lot. Hmm

SuperPug · 15/05/2017 14:46

It's the hand up that really gets me. Had this from an ex-manager and the minute she did that, I walked out of the room.
This is your DH though and I'm surprised that he cannot separate the two. Sorry, I have friends who work in the same sector and they wouldn't think it's appropriate to be downright rude to someone. I'm sure he's popular with the people he works with...
You're not being paid to do his job. You've got other things to do and shouldn't have to dread going home.

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 14:46

is he a high earner and you're a SAHM?

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 14:47

He does have 2 (female) PAs normally and they're at work now. I doubt he gets away with this though. I would be horrified. Or maybe they don't care because they're being paid and it is an actual job.

OP posts:
ToastDemon · 15/05/2017 14:47

I don't understand why you're putting up with this.

I'd have invited him to get fucked at the first incident.

carabos · 15/05/2017 14:48

You need to counter him using exactly the same language that he uses with you. So, if he says he's "very disappointed " about such and such, then you need to answer him with "I'm very disappointed that you are speaking to me like that about xyz". When he says "I'll have lunch when you're ready", say to him "I'll never be ready".

Or LTB.

Stormtreader · 15/05/2017 14:51

"I'm very disappointed at this and that"
"Oh dear, maybe you should fire me then and hire a better PA!"

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 14:52

The holding up the hand thing is unbelievable but he does this a fair bit as if it's normal. No I don't worry he would hit me and he doesn't shout though he can still make me feel on edge. I am a SAHM and we have 3 DC.

OP posts:
carabos · 15/05/2017 14:52

Or laugh at him. My DH isn't remotely like yours, but there was one occasion years ago when he really didn't want me to do something (can't remember what now). I was taking no notice of him and in the end he said, sort of seriously, "Carabos, I forbid you to do that". Me and the kids nearly wet ourselves laughing which made him initially grumpy then laugh in spite of himself.

Jackiebrambles · 15/05/2017 14:53

This is much deeper than him being a tool at home whilst he's working.

But he's well out of order.

And also, why the fuck do you have to call someone about his accident?! If he's working and making calls himself for work, why the blazes can't he call??