DH treating me like an employee.

[romi80]

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

If this has been going on for months then you're pretty much stuck with it I'm afraid.
I wouldn't have done it after the first day, maybe suggest he goes back to work then his secretary can take notes for him.
If he doesn't have one at work, he doesn't need one at home.

Does he have an actual PA? When at work I mean? If so, I'm surprised he or she hasn't told your DH to eff off if that's how he treats them. You could exercise your workers rights and go on strike.

Just invoice him. From Domestic and Business Slavery Ltd.

I know the problem...

I would become selectively deaf or too tied up with something I was doing. Just don't respond to his demands.

Sorry, can't help but laugh.

Does he have a PA in the office? This is how many bosses speak to their PAs and staff. Standing like a fecking lemon while on a call then 'dismissing you' when no longer needed. I do not know how I have not managed to kick several in the nuts but it's what I'm paid for.

I've also wives saying they are treated like paid staff.

Direct and to the point wins the day with this type. I would adopt selective hearing. If he cannot do his job at home he should signed off sick. Offering to make him lunch or a drink is one thing being instructed and told to do things for him is another. You are not his PA. Just tell him.

Sorry to hear you are married to one of these. My sister has the same problem!

if you follow his instructions you send him the message that what he is doing is ok.

^this. Did you make his lunch?

Thankyou. I'm parked outside the house dreading going in. He works on banking in the city and the way they communicate would sound rude to most people but I don't appreciate it at all on a daily basis. It's hard to say no to him because he takes it as rude and as if I won't help him.

Not sure whether to pmsl or be horrified - firstly that he treats you like a bloody servant in Downton Abbey and secondly that you didn't tell him to sod off the first time it happened!

Summoned to his office indeed. 😂

You have the power in this situation, start acting like it. Don't just stand around to hear what he might need. Just don't hear his requests. In that example when he is on tbe phone, as soon as you see that he is ok, not fallen over, stopped breathing etc, just walk away.

All the best. Did you realise this was how he treated people at work?

[ps i know that I am biased, banking is one industry i have always avoided]

'I don't usually write notes for him, but he gives me random things to do all the time - finding things, call this or that person, bring him drinks -it could be anything. It's his manner rather than the actual tasks and he never considers what I might be doing.'

More fool you for putting up with that shit! 'I'm not your PA.' Repeat, repeat, repeat. 'You're being overconfrontational and unsupportive.' 'My role doesn't extend to employee. If you need one, tell your company to hire you one.' Go out of the house or ignore completely.

Yesterday I was so angry I could barely speak to him because he took ages coming for breakfast, then complained it was cold as if it was my fault. In the end I told him how disrespectful he could be. He partly accepted it, I think, and was making an effort in the evening. Now today, he's just reverted back.

It's hard to say no to him because he takes it as rude and as if I won't help him.

Oh well that's just tough for him. He doesn't give a toss about being rude to you, does he?

So he is allowed to be rude to you but does not like you saying no to him as he thinks it is rude OK Mr Banker. Then just be out, all the time if necessary. Or busy in the garden where you can't hear him?

If dh tries that with me (and to be fair he doesn't often) I usually just tell him I don't work for him as he couldn't afford me!

He works from home a lot but gets his own lunch and drinks. If I know he is on a long conference call I sometimes make him a coffee but that's about it.

Dh did try it a bit but I think it was sort of unintentional. He knows better now.

Yes, 'corporate speak' is direct and can be downright bloody rude. I'm used to it now.

My sister regularly tells her husband she is not one of his office lackeys.

I'm not sure what to suggest. If he is an alpha male he will always be right.

Mine does that too sometimes, I tell him he only works from home for the cooked lunches. We also joke about the dishwasher fairy, the sock fairy and the bin fairy Sunshinesuperman .

I agree with how did this get this way?

When his phone call ended and you were dismissed did you not just say 'I do have better things to be doing than standing here like a wally waiting in case you need me!'

Why do YOU not want to come across as rude but it is okay for HIM to be rude and disrespectful of you?

Call him out on it!

The more you post the worse he sounds.

Look, you either tell him to fuck off with his demands or, just ignore him.

Good god, woman, are you his wife or his PA? He'd be wearing his bloody breakfast if he treated me like that.

'It's hard to say no to him because he takes it as rude and as if I won't help him.'

Fucking let him! 'In the real world, people don't speak to each other like this.' 'I'm not your employee.' 'You won't help me.' 'I'm not a PA.' And then you just don't.

I think you're going to have to make yourself unavailable. Are the dc at school or at home with you? Maybe take them out for the day, book in lots of activities and leave your dh to it. Once you've broken the habit it will be easier to deal with in future.

Right now he sees your time as much less valuable than his, hence it's ok to have you standing in is office for five minutes instead of getting on with whatever you were doing. If he takes your saying "no" as being aggressive, maybe try a quizzical look and "wouldn't one of your company's employees need to do that?" if he's asking you to do stuff that's not related to your own household. Or be very busy with a pile of bills / paperwork so he can see you're doing something "valid" that can't be interrupted.

You sound scared of confrontation, OP. A row can be a good thing. Feel the anger and let it out.

It's hard to say no to him because he takes it as rude and as if I won't help him.

Well you're finding him rude so fair's fair!

I'm a PA. I have partners who work from home on a weekly basis. If they need me to do something they email or call me. And they're polite. Also in banking.

Stop serving up lunch and drinks, for starters.