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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH treating me like an employee.

277 replies

romi80 · 15/05/2017 13:50

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go Hmm I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 15/05/2017 14:53

Unless he has lost his hearing and the power of speech then there is nothing stopping HIM from using the phone and making all necessary calls in relation to his accident. I did when I had mine except at the point when I was in A & E and being carted off to theatre for surgery.

If he changes the subject then change it back.

As for breakfast being cold, you called him in time and he didn't have the courtesy to appear. So tell him that you are not running a hotel or restaurant.

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 14:56

I hate to have to mention this, but I get the overwhelming feeling that he thinks his time is vastly more important than your time
He brings in the money, which is more important than your contribution.

As people often say on here
What is in this relationship for you?

MrsDustyBusty · 15/05/2017 14:58

If it was his accident, how are you supposed to sort anything about it out? Do you need to tie his laces for him as well?

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 15:00

This year alone (apart from the latest accident) he has damaged his knee skiing, crashed a track race car (no injuries amazingly) and another incident abroad where he could have drowned. I have not been present on any of these occasions, but he seem to think it's my responsibility to deal with the fallout when I never particularly wanted him to go in the first place. But I never have all the details anyway to follow-up on things and then I'm made to feel like I don't care enough.

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 15/05/2017 15:00

I'm worried he's asking you to do things he knows you can't (i.e. Re his accident) to exert power over you.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/05/2017 15:01

Not much to add, but you've definitely got my sympathy.

Resist and keep resisting. Practice some assertive one-liners about saying No, or "don't change the subject".

Jackiebrambles · 15/05/2017 15:02

He sounds like he's got too much time on his hands. I'd get a hobby op, quick smart. Once he's capable of looking after his children alone you can piss off somewhere lovely!

Happyhippy45 · 15/05/2017 15:02

My DH used to be a bit like this when he had "A Very Important Job" and I was a SAHM. I sometimes felt like a second class citizen. I kind of made a rod for my own back by letting him get away with his rude behaviour.
He didn't work from home very often fortunately.
We run a business together now (he was made redundant several years ago.) It took a while for things to even out. I had to pull him up about the way he was speaking to me. Many arguments along the lines of me saying "You're being disrespectful," and him saying I wasn't being supportive. Lots of occasions when he would just expect me to do all the domestic tasks even though we were both working full time. Lots of occasions where he would treat me like an employee even though we are equal business partners. It's much better now but it has been hard work for both of us. If he hadn't made an effort to change I would have left him. Life is too short to be made to feel like shit and disrespected by someone you love.

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 15:02

Jackie - yes that's what I'm starting to think.

OP posts:
WicksEnd · 15/05/2017 15:03

Next time he asks you to do something but your palm up, hold your stance then walk away.
You sound like you'd be too anxious to do that though, he's not though is he?

HumphreyCobblers · 15/05/2017 15:03

You need to point out his rudeness at the time. Stop doing anything if he is rude about it.

How dare he hold his hand up to you?! I am incensed on your behalf.

RubyWinterstorm · 15/05/2017 15:03

How awful!

begs the question: why live with him at all?

he does not respect you. Do you like him? Love him?

I coud not put up with this shit!

HumphreyCobblers · 15/05/2017 15:04

And stop worrying about him thinking YOU are rude. He doesn't care about being as rude as anything to you. His feelings are not more important than yours.

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 15:04

so he's going on all these amazing trips and doing lots of hobbies

I hope you do the same.

NinonDeLenclos · 15/05/2017 15:06

He works on banking in the city and the way they communicate would sound rude to most people but I don't appreciate it at all on a daily basis

Bollocks. I've worked in the city, DH still does. Some people are arseholes that's all.

Elphaba99 · 15/05/2017 15:06

romi Exactly WHY do you stand there waiting for him when he's holding his hand up?

Dozer · 15/05/2017 15:06

Why have you let him treat you like this?

Dozer · 15/05/2017 15:07

He sounds disrespectful and emotionally abusive.

TheFirstMrsDV · 15/05/2017 15:09

It all sounds awful.
Not normal at all.

tanfield90 · 15/05/2017 15:12

Sounds like this nasty bastard could do with another accident as soon as possible. It might make him mend his ways.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2017 15:19

The issue is that he thinks you're his servant.

More worryingly, he seems to have convinced you that you are as well. I'm not sure it's fixable because it sounds like he wouldn't want an equal relationship.

But if you want to try... assertiveness training for you, equal time off so you can crash into things and fall off stuff, and he starts talking to you acceptably. Which means if he doesn't; no drinks, laundry, meals, sex, conversation or consideration.

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 15:21

I don't know why I don't just walk off when he holds his hand up or similar. I really don't know.
When he's not in work mode, he can be very supportive and kind in other ways.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 15:23

Do you feel your time is less important than his time ?

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 15:24

After the most recent accident, he spent two days in hospital. I had a night away booked with some friends which would have been my first night away in ten years, but we had to cancel it.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 15/05/2017 15:26

Do you work (as in, a paid job from home)? And what do you do? Or are you an SAHM? I ask just because I'm wondering how much you need to be at home. My immediate thought would be for you to be out as much as possible during the day and leave the twat to it, but I know that might be hard or impossible if you've got kids at home or depending on what kind of work you do.

Anyway, tell him to fuck off basically. You're not staff.

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