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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH treating me like an employee.

277 replies

romi80 · 15/05/2017 13:50

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go Hmm I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

OP posts:
Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 14:24

I think he had a total disconnect when it comes to the way he comes across and the way he interprets me questioning anything. If I was to tell him to make his own lunch he would say I was being aggressive. It's like walking on eggshells sometimes and I can't relax.

OP posts:
Sunshinesuperman · 15/05/2017 14:24

I think you have to be direct, firm and clear each and every time he does something you don't like until he understands where the boundaries are. Make it clear that you are a team and you are happy to help but you are an equal partnership and that you don't treat him like that and therefore don't expect to be treated like that. Failing that just stay out of the house on days he is at home!

Topseyt · 15/05/2017 14:25

Which arm is in a cast?

About a year ago I spent several weeks with my right arm in a cast and that meant I couldn't write at all (I am right handed, like the majority). I could work because I could use a keyboard faith my left hand, but if anything did need quickly scribbled down then I had to politely ask my DH or my DDs to do it.

I guess it is his manner that is all wrong, isn't it? Pull him up sharply on that. It is fine to need help while injured. That can happen to anyone. It isn't fine though to be dismissive and disrespectful of those around you and he may need reminding of that and of how he is coming across.

tammytheterminator · 15/05/2017 14:25

I would just keep saying no though. It's his job not yours. If his employer are worried about his productivity then they need to employ someone to help him.

If it's any consolation, he's probably not very well liked in the office either.

Elphaba99 · 15/05/2017 14:25

He sounds more like your Dad than your DH. 😳

donajimena · 15/05/2017 14:26

My partner and I are contracted by the same organisation. I contract clean and he does repairs.
I'll never forget how he went into a room I had cleaned did a repair, then told me there was a pile of dust that needed vacuuming.
I told him to fuck off and pointed him to the vacuum cleaner. Angry

flowery · 15/05/2017 14:26

"He gives me random things to do all the time - finding things, call this or that person, bring him drinks -it could be anything."

And you agree to this why exactly? Confused

MrsUnderwood · 15/05/2017 14:27

Time to put your big girl pants on and tell him he's being a fucking arsehole, and that you're not doing ANYTHING for him until he learns some fucking manners/ pays you.

My DH would never speak to me in such a disrespectful way because he knows I'd hit the roof.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/05/2017 14:27

he takes it as rude and as if I won't help him

...and?

He's being selfish, rude, inconsiderate & a twat. It's not your job to help him & certainly not when being called like a dog & given instructions. Fuck that for a joke. Tell him to pull his head in, or go into the actual office, in the city.

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 14:27

Sometimes I wonder if he is trying to make me feel inadequate as well. He will ask me to ring somebody, e.g. insurance or whatever, but not my give me the details I need or the full picture. Then if I haven't done it , he's huffing and puffing.

OP posts:
BlueEyeGreenEye · 15/05/2017 14:28

Does he have a slave while he's at work too?

IJustLostTheGame · 15/05/2017 14:28

He sounds like a twat.
Fuck that.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2017 14:29

'If I was to tell him to make his own lunch he would say I was being aggressive. It's like walking on eggshells sometimes and I can't relax.'

That's your lookout, then. 'You're being aggressive.' 'No, I'm just not interested in making lunch today.' Or shrug and walk off. Or just don't do it. Make you a sandwich and eat it in another room. Or take a picnic lunch and get in your car and leave. Until you get a backbone, you'll keep letting him wipe his feet on you. Fuck that.

notanurse2017 · 15/05/2017 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/05/2017 14:30

He wants you to act like his PA and speaks to you accordingly?

Invoice him.

That cannot be interpreted in anyway other than if he expects you to work for him then you expect to be paid. If he doesnt want to pay you then he stops treating you like a member of staff.

Or "FUCK OFF YOU SELF OBSESSED TWAT". But he might just say that that is aggressive, especially if accompanied by a smack round the head with his laptop.

Wonderflonium · 15/05/2017 14:30

What are his redeeming qualities and what is keeping you with him?

expatinscotland · 15/05/2017 14:30

'Sometimes I wonder if he is trying to make me feel inadequate as well. He will ask me to ring somebody, e.g. insurance or whatever, but not my give me the details I need or the full picture. Then if I haven't done it , he's huffing and puffing.'

Oh, c'mon! 'No, not ringing them because you aren't giving me details and you know it. I'm not doing that anymore.'

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 15/05/2017 14:30

He is being a dick, but perhaps it's because he's in 'work mode' and that's how he speaks to people in the office. It may be difficult for him to switch it on and off.

Whatever the reason, you can't allow him to treat you like this. Maybe wait till he's finished for the day and talk to him about it. Write down examples if you might forget, or forget when the time comes

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 14:31

His writing hand is in a cast, although he doesn't actually handerite much. He can't go in to work at all st the moment as he scraped the skin off one side of his face and forehead had to have stitches in his lip and he would scare the public. It's a total nightmare.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 15/05/2017 14:33

I think you need a bloody good row and you tell him how you feel.

When he turns the tables and tries to make out you're being unsupportive tell him he's talking bollocks.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/05/2017 14:33

On the plus side, if he's a loaded city banker, then you'll do all right in the divorce settlement.

I think you need to have a serious talk and draw some lines in the sand with him.

Hissy · 15/05/2017 14:34

I'm parked outside the house dreading going in. He works in banking in the city and the way they communicate would sound rude to most people but I don't appreciate it at all on a daily basis. It's hard to say no to him because he takes it as rude and as if I won't help him

Sad

You poor thing!

You need to sit HIM down and say to him that you are NOT his employee, and while he is used to barking orders at those paid to work under him, YOU are not about to accept being spoken to like this. If he has a PA, she is employed to sort out his work stuff for him.

It ISNT hard to say No to rudeness when it's aimed at you.

Inform him that you won't be summoned to wait for his orders, and if he so much as clicks his fingers or rolls an eye, any FAVOUR you are asked to do for him will be greeted with a uniform NO.

That will extend to lunches, drinks, and breakfasts too if he is ungrateful as he was at the weekend.

If all else fails, get him a small kettle and some tea/coffee/milk and leave it on his desk

Dreading going home is about the worst thing ever, i would recommend that you find LOTS of things to do that leaves him to it at home.

tinytemper66 · 15/05/2017 14:34

Are your children at home with you? If not, stay out and he will have to fend for himself. Put phone on silent and monitor texts etc.

pigsDOfly · 15/05/2017 14:35

So he holds up his hand to you to indicate you should shut up and wait for instructions. Nice.

Getting a bit above himself by the sound of it.

If he does have a PA at work and he treats her like that - I'm assuming it's a she - then it's up to her if she puts up with it but at least she's getting paid for it.

I think I'd be more than willing to be told I'm confrontational, I would though, be very forcefully, pointing out how bloody rude he's being.

Atenco · 15/05/2017 14:35

OP, what are you getting out of this marriage?