DH treating me like an employee.

[romi80]

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

What angry said, especially the walking away.

Also, maybe write down everything you feel about his behaviour and email it to him - it may be easier for you to put it in writing without him verbally beating you down.

In the nicest possible way - stand your ground. I know it's difficult for you to change the habits of acquiescence that have built up over the years, but this is not the way a good marriage works.

How come he's offering to pay for a replacement trip for you? Is all the money he makes not pooled for everyone's use? Do you have to ask him for money?

Has his mobility been affected by the accident? Is he finding it hard to dress himself etc or is it literally just the facial injuries and the arm in a cast? There are 2 things that strike me here that people have not really majored on. The first is that it sounds like he has hurt himself quite badly and is not able to do as much as he normally would or as quickly.(I may have misread that?) but being late for food could be because he is not moving/getting dressed/washing as fast as normal. I was at home, off work for a few months with a badly broken leg and my DH works from home. I was trying to be very non-demanding but we both found it a very testing time indeed. My husband felt I should have been making myself cups of tea/meals and not 'just sitting there' but I was on crutches and non weight bearing and would have been unable to complete even making tea and getting it back to where I sat.
The other thing worth saying is that often when couples atre approaching retirement or one is SAH and the other starts to do more work from home, there is often a huge amount of adjustment to that that has to happen. The home has been your domain and he has not been under your feet but suddenly he is there, in your space,making demands and comments. I think the combination of the above two things is always going to cause quite high levels of stress. Maybe get him to set up a dictaphone or other recording device that he can record his own notes on and then he can type them up at his own pace when off the phone.

vdb I still don't think that excuses his rude manner. I too was totally incapacitated by a broken leg a few years back, and completely dependent on dh and the kids. I would never have dreamed of demanding things like this bloke is; I prefaced everything with "Would you mind/when you've got a minute/sorry to ask again but..." In fact, once, dh found me in the loo, sobbing because there was no loo roll left and I didn't want to call him upstairs for about the 5th time in as many minutes to ask him to get me some! (and there's no WAY he would have expected me to do anything in the kitchen on crutches).

Op he made it clear what your role is. You run his 'show' for him.

You are the unhired help.

He gets the family, good job, multiple holidays being the 'all action hero' putting his life at risk (and his future earning ability)

He gets to be the charming, hard working family man to anyone outside the house.

He gets to ignore your feelings, gaslight you to deflect away from his appaling behaviour.

He gets to set you up to fail at things he 'expects' you to do so he can keep you in your place and destroy your confidence in yourself.

He placates you by throwing you the odd complement about your looks as he feels that's the only thing you should care about and it's the only thing he believes women need complemented about. He doesn't need to worry about your feelings or self worth because he has told you you look nice, that's a woman's role.

Sit him down and sort out each issue one at a time ( make a list of every one that bothers you) and do not let him gaslight you, detail the conversation, if he puts his hand up snack it away you are not a child.

If he usnt interested in anything you have to say and isn't prepared to change them LTB he doesnt care about you just what you can do for him to enable him to live as he wants too.

Sorry I'm outside the school and just catching up.
I had a discussion with him last night. I was quite fired up after the thread and I ended up getting emotional in the end but I did manage to say what I wanted to say. He was talking about how much stress he's been under over the years but he had no option but to keep going because of the school fees and everything else. I told him I understood this and that's why I've tried to do everything in my power to take the pressure off him at home. I feel like I've absorbed all his stress and absorbed everything to do with the kids and I've had no space to think about myself. I appreciate he worked above and beyond but often he's felt out of control and it affects the whole family. Also when he has accidents it affects everyone and it terrifies me that it could have been so much worse.
I asked him what would he think if I got a job and he said the whole idea now is that we should be trying to scale back and take less on. Also the DC are little and I'm the best person for that job and why complicate everything. But he agreed I should do more for myself and he would support me in that.
I said I don't mind helping him and I want to help him but he has to think about how he speaks to me because most women would just walk out the door and that's why I stayed out yesterday. Also it's a really bad example to the DC. He said when have I ever raised my voice at you etc etc, but eventually accepted that he can come across as high-handed and it's rude. There was more as well, but I'm feeling a bit drained and it's hard to explain.
So we will see what the next few days brings. Thankyou so much for all the thoughtful comments. I've been quite taken aback by the response in here.

I am very glad that this thread has shown you at least that his is not normal behaviour, I'm sure we can all understand that when you're inside a situation it's incredibly hard to see the wood for the trees
Well done for talking to him, keep talking to him.
Many men and women like him are good a placating and then just go back to their old ways.
Good luck op, I hope it works out for you both.
It might even make him a better person if he truly takes all this on board
X

Thankyou. Also just to answer a PP, yes we have a joint accounts and I've never had to ask him for money, though sadly I do know some women who do have to do this.

Great now its his responsibility to talk to you with a bit more respect and to ensure you do more things for yourself and it's your responsibility to pull him up every time he fails on this. Each and every time or he will slip back into old habits fast. Don't let your frustrations grow and fester. Deal with everything as it happens.
Fingers crossed now he's a bit more aware then things will get better. Don't forget to record him if necessary.

That's a good start.
Call him out on it every time he slips back into treating you like a skivvy.

Oh and remind him that he doesnt doesn't have to raise his voice to be treating you like shit. It's the words that count just as much as the tone of voice.
Keep posting if it helps. Good luck.

Please stop being so wet! Just tell him

A simple ' you don't speak to me like that' should suffice. Stop doing all this stuff. He's your husband so TELL HIM. Just say no and tell him to piss off and find his manners. Who cares if he has a sulk or a strop?

You're putting up with this treatment like a doormat and he knows it hence why he does it. Find your big girl pants, put them on and next time he gives you an order laugh and tell him to do it himself

It is going to be hard for you to do, but I agree with rightwhine that is is going to be down to you to pull him up on things as they occur. You are not in the habit of doing it, and trying to be lighthearted and breezy about it doesn't sound like it is part of the family way, but you will have to keep on trying.
Making the right sounds in a heart to heart conversation is a lot easier than actually putting his changes into action on a day to day basis.

How long until he is out of a cast? That may make a big difference to you feeling able to say 'get it yourself'.

I hate my dp working from home, and he knows it. I don't know why exactly, I think it is like he is here but not here. So I can see him, hear him, and he sits at the only desk that I may want to be at. But I can't talk to him or ask him to help out in any way. He's there but without any benefits.

So when he is out of a cast, tell him to go into work more/all the time. It doesn't work for you having him around.

"Oh and remind him that he doesnt doesn't have to raise his voice to be treating you like shit. It's the words that count just as much as the tone of voice."

THIS 👍👍👍

He's still minimising his behaviour - the VERY next instance of "holding up his hand" or treating you with no respect, you need to say "No. This is an example of you treating me like a servant. It is unacceptable." and walk straight out again - whether he's on the phone or not.

I had an ex who had a bit of a temper on rare occaisions, but was on the whole a nice guy.

Once during an argument he told me we can argue but "I have never hit you" ... I asked him if he wanted a fucking medal? He never mentioned it again

Also if you WANT to get a job or have something for yourself, that's your decision, and he should be supporting you.

I'm a mum of two. I'm still the best person to do that job. But I also have a job - for me (and for money too obvs).

Good for you. It's very brave to stand up for yourself when you don't like confrontation so it must have taken a lot for you to do it. Just re you working, would part time study be an option for you? It would improve future job prospects and your own self esteem. Maybe worth looking into. Also another tip someone gave me, tell him don't ask. I am getting a job/going back to college, not can I..... And schedule your own free time, he won't schedule it for you. Take up a time consuming hobby that gets you out of the house!

Leave the kids with him and go for lunch with his PAs.

He is being a git.

I didn't call him a bully, but it was interesting that he used the word himself because he said, "you can't accuse me of being a bully to my own family". I asked him if he could ever imagine a scene in which I would call him into a room and then let him stand there for about 5 minutes with no acknowledgment or explanation? Also, I told him I'm fine to cook for him in general, but he needs to realise that most men would actually look in the fridge if they were home alone, rather than call their wife who is out and about. This is not normal for most people. Also, could he imagine me not being able to find something and calling him away from what he might be doing to go and find it? No is the answer.
I think he is actually very needy, despite appearances. He told me if I ever left him it would kill him.
Ianthinking, I know exactly what you mean by "there but not there" because that's what he's like in the evenings. My mum describes it as he comes in as if he's in a phone box. If he chooses to get involved he will, but he gives off a vibe so you've feel you can't ask him.
Anyway, I do feel as if I have seen through a lot of crap now so thankyou again.

I couldn't leave him with the kids in the week because he's stressed enough with work as it is and it wouldn't be fair on the kids as he'd be too cranky. Also he has no idea what they need day to day like instruments or PE kits. Once time he did take the kids to school as I had an early GP appt. He took DD into her reception class and gave the teacher some hair bands and asked if she could do her hair

Isn't he embarrassed to be so incompetent? What would happen if he was so useless at work? He'd be out of a job and out on his ear.

He told me if I ever left him it would kill him. What a drama llama. He's emotionally controlling.

OP I can sympathise a lot with your thread as I posted a while back about my DH who is a bit similar to yours in some ways. It was a long thread, but so helpful, as I hope this has been to you. Once you have seen things, you can't unsee them. In my case, I was struggling with DH's attitude towards me going back to work. Now I'm on a course and he's delighted about the whole thing -you would think it was his idea! You can't change a whole personality, but if they can see that something is important enough to you, they can adapt their behaviour. My DH was never snappy, but he has a fair few expectations of me (that I'm still working on). He also does a lot of extreme sports - I started s thread about his plan to go to the Arctic (and it's still a plan ), but small changes can make the world of difference. Respect has to work both ways. Good luck!

If he chooses to get involved he will, but he gives off a vibe so you've feel you can't ask him
thats just tough shit. He has a wife and family he isnt a single man who can go on with his life without recognising he has responsibilities and needs to interact with his family.
You shouldnt have to ask him to help with kids etc, they are his kids, its his house too. You are not the hired help.

Sometimes you need to be clear from the get go. Tell him you are cooking tea/folding washing whatever, so he can do the homework with kids/bath them/do stories whatever. Dont ask then wait for him to do it. Just expect it same as he does of you.

A grown man phoning his wife to come home and make his tea wtaf?

I suspect that the biggest change you can make is to let him be unhappy, let him feel that you are aggressive, let him be in a huff, let him disagree with your choice on something but do it anyway.

Let him feel the truth at any moment in any situation then let him get on with finding a way to work through his own feelings of annoyance so that he can accept the new reality in his own way. Literally leave him alone in a room or stay silent so he can do this.

You have previously denied him this normal relationship give and take, maturing together, either by avoiding stating your wishes/feelings (to stop him having any negative feelings), or by back-tracking / sugar coating at the first sign of upset (to cure his negative feelings for him).

He is an adult with a good brain who can resolve things in his own mind. He's allowed to be upset about change. You are allowed to do nothing about him being upset.

Good post rabbit

Love that post rabbit, I've taken a screen shot to keep for myself! Great advice