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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable?

240 replies

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 13/05/2017 21:38

I'm a stay at home and my husband is unhappy with the lack of work I do around the house. I make home cooked meals every day for us and our children, take son to preschool and look after baby at home. I fit in my exercise when I can but it seems that nothing i do is enough. He gets annoyed that there is still laundry, cleaning etc to do when he gets home and wonders why it so not been done during the day.
Is he being unfair to ask this? I would rather enjoy my children than spend all of my time cleaning/ironing etc.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2017 21:41

Who does the cleaning and laundry? If it's left a day or two, does he do it or do you end up doing it all? Does he do anything around the house? Who does everything on the weekends? Easy kids or my harder kids?

Because it's really hard to know who IBU without knowing these things. Except if DH spoke to me like he was my boss, he'd know about it.

QueenOfTheWhiteWalkers · 13/05/2017 21:44

Isn't the clue in the name? Stay at home mum not unpaid slave. Hmm Your husband is being a dick!

Trifleorbust · 13/05/2017 21:44

To be honest I think the bulk of the housework should be done by the SAHP, unless there is a good reason why not, like if you have a very small baby. I'm sure when he gets home he would rather enjoy his children as well.

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 21:44

I could kind of understand him getting a bit fucked off if there weren't any clean clothes or the house really was like a shit hole every single day, but I suspect that isn't the case and he's just going on at you because everything isn't done all the time?

If I'm right then tell him to get fucked and do it himself if he's that bothered.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2017 21:46

Depends. I always try to be 'fair' as a (mostly) sahp. So if dc have kept me busy all day, then I will be expecting dh to pitch in as soon as he's home from work, with either dc or chores. But if I've had a lovely day out with friends and dc have been easy, then I think it's only fair that I'm doing the laundry at 9pm whilst he's sat down.
It's the 'expectation' that I wouldn't tolerate from dh.

Original poster
IsItWine0ClockSoon · 13/05/2017 21:48

I'm sure he's got OCD because he can't stand there being anything messy or unclean. He will clean and tidy up but I do most of the laundry. He's very hands on and there's nothing that he wouldn't do but it's the lack of trust when he comes in and asks me what I've done all day that bugs me!

OP posts:
NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 21:48

' Except if DH spoke to me like he was my boss, he'd know about it.'

Yeah, maybe it'd be telling if you say how he lets you know about his unhappiness.

Calmly and without making you feel like shite when you're talking about similar things would be OK, ranting and finger pointing in a competition about whose work is more important, wouldn't be OK.

purplecoathanger · 13/05/2017 21:50

I congratulate you on managing to put home cooked food on the table with a baby and a toddler. Anything else you do is a bonus. I'm sick of these men who have no idea how hard it is at home. I don't know how you get through to them! Flowers

Cockadoodle · 13/05/2017 21:50

Tell him you've sat on your arse all day, the kids have had jam sandwiches for tea and whats he doing for dinner?, and what of it!!!? Soon buck his fucking ideas up!!!

sailorcherries · 13/05/2017 21:51

You are at home every day and manage a cooked meal, school run and possibly exercise.
People do all of that while working.

I think if you are at home all day and don't manage to do dome general cleaning and laundry then yab (pretty) u.

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 21:52

'when he comes in and asks me what I've done all day'

It's none of his bloody business what you do all day, you don't have to account for what you've done to him!

You're not a teenager/housekeeper and he's not your Dad/employer!

QuiteLikely5 · 13/05/2017 21:53

How about he swaps roles for a day?

Original poster
IsItWine0ClockSoon · 13/05/2017 21:54

Thank you! It's reassuring to know that it's not me being lazy and it's not an unusual for a man to feel/be like this but it doesn't make my argument any more solid!!

OP posts:
comedycentral · 13/05/2017 21:54

I'm sorry but you can still 'enjoy the children' and put a wash on, it takes about 5 mins, 10 mins to put on airer or washing line (or 2 mins to pop in dryer) ironing is optional but only takes about 20 mins if that. You don't have to entertain your kids every moment of the day.

sailorcherries · 13/05/2017 21:54

So your husband works all day and then cleans, tidys up and helps with the kids and you think that a cooked meal and exercise is similar.

This isn't anything againat sahm but more priorities.
He seems to do a lot more and it is not unreasonable to expect you to tidy up during the day.

NavyandWhite · 13/05/2017 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Obsidian77 · 13/05/2017 21:57

sailor you saw the part where she has a baby and a young child? She's caring for them during the day, not sitting on her arse.

gleam · 13/05/2017 21:58

People do all of that while working.'

Bollocks.

witsender · 13/05/2017 22:01

Tbh, unless you have a really high needs baby it isn't hard to keep on top of a house while at home. The person at home should do the bulk of the work while at home, and then 50/50 when the other gets home.

Brittbugs80 · 13/05/2017 22:01

To me a SAHM takes on the role of doing everything that goes along with raising and a family and running the house.

I couldn't sit in a house knowing things needed doing and expect my Husband to do them after a day's work.

Maybe he is just asking, "what have you done today?" as a general question and you are taking it wrong because you know deep down, you could have done more?

phoenixtherabbit · 13/05/2017 22:01

I do think he's being unreasonable for questioning you but I do think the person who's at home should do most of the housework.

Like you say you want to enjoy your children, but I'm sure your husband probably does too.

If he helps out anyway I really don't think it needs to be an issue really?

ButTheBearSnoredOn · 13/05/2017 22:02

Gleam-it's not bollocks at all!! Otherwise how do household with 2 working parents manage?!

phoenixtherabbit · 13/05/2017 22:03

people do all that while working

bollocks

How is that bollocks? Not everyone has a cleaner! Yes maybe the childminder or similar might do the school run but many people work full time, pick their kids up from work, make meals, go to the gym and do the housework

Not everyone has the luxury of a cleaner or a nanny or being able to stay at home.

sailorcherries · 13/05/2017 22:04

Her young child goes to pre-school, therefore is not there for a portion of the day, so yes I did read that.

And yes plenty of people make time to spend with their child, ensure their home is tidy, get in some form of exercise, cook a meal and work.

If I went out to work all day, came home and then spent time with the kids and had to clean and tidy up the house because my partner had cooked a meal and, possibly, exercised then I'd be annoyed. It doesn't take much to clean and tidy as you go, as comedycentral pointed out.

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 22:06

'I'm sorry but you can still 'enjoy the children' and put a wash on, it takes about 5 mins, 10 mins to put on airer or washing line (or 2 mins to pop in dryer) ironing is optional but only takes about 20 mins if that.'

If it's so easy what's stopping her DH from doing it then?

It's not about popping a wash on or putting clothes out to dry, this is about her DH thinking the OP should justify her existence to him when he's been out skiving at his desk drinking coffee all day.