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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable?

240 replies

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 13/05/2017 21:38

I'm a stay at home and my husband is unhappy with the lack of work I do around the house. I make home cooked meals every day for us and our children, take son to preschool and look after baby at home. I fit in my exercise when I can but it seems that nothing i do is enough. He gets annoyed that there is still laundry, cleaning etc to do when he gets home and wonders why it so not been done during the day.
Is he being unfair to ask this? I would rather enjoy my children than spend all of my time cleaning/ironing etc.

OP posts:
NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 23:50

I don't mean to nitpick Funny, but you said 'I never said he has rights over her.' but then said 'No he gets to express what "cared for probably " means to him because it's his house and kids too.'

He's not paying her and she didn't sign a contract as to what laundry should be done.

If he's not happy then he should get on and bring up the household to his high exacting standards or unclench and STFU.

Voice0fReason · 13/05/2017 23:57

When I was a SAHM I did most of the housework, but that doesn't mean that everything got done every day.
I have never and will never do laundry every day - I prefer making full loads so things wait in the washing basket until there is a full load's worth. I prefer doing lots of washing on one day than I do spreading it out over every day.

Some days I did more cleaning than others.

My DH never commented or criticised or even asked what I'd been doing all day. If he came home and the place looked like a tip, he asked if I'd had a rough day and could he do anything to help.

Beebeeeight · 13/05/2017 23:59

When he has the dcs all day on his own at the weekend how much housework does he get done?

sailorcherries · 14/05/2017 00:08

I've never understood the "it's harder to keep on top of things when you're home" argument.

To me having 3/4 hours after work to make the meal, tidy the house, clean up kitchens and bathrooms, hoover and put on a wash is much harder than having a day off at the weekend to do it all, while having children there.

How can condensing everything in to a few hours as opposed to spreading it in to intervals throughout the day be easier?

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/05/2017 00:10

Beebeeeight The OP has said that he is very hands on with the housework and childcare.

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 00:16

It depends wether he rants because there's a missed nappy on the floor and a plate in the sink,or wether the house is an absolute tip. OP mentions unclean as well as untidy.

Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2017 00:28

IsItWine0ClockSoon I am sorry that your husband is acting like your boss.

Agree together what each of you expect and if there are areas that you cannot agree on then you need to keep talking. He cannot just expect everything done to his exacting standard.

Did you work before you had the kids? If so, what happened before you went on maternity leave? Did you share work around the home?

Were you allowed to critique his work around the home?

Re "I'm sure he's got OCD because he can't stand there being anything messy or unclean. He will clean and tidy up but I do most of the laundry."

Get him to read up on this, I had OCD in my teens and early twenties and it was awful.

"...but it's the lack of trust when he comes in and asks me what I've done all day that bugs me!" I'd say talk about it all and try and get him to see your side of things.

SnapJack68 · 14/05/2017 00:52

Ah yes but the difference between working full time and cleaning house too versus sahp and cleaning house too is that when youre a sahp there is usually a force of destruction at home too rather than being safety contained at nursery !!! Hence the house isn't under toddler attack between the house of 6am and 6pm... Sometimes I go out of the house to give the poor house a break !! Can do the washing etc as a peaceful relax activity while dh has his quality time with the toddler when home
.haha

Sometimes my DH used to come home on my days off with the 2 year old and the house looked a little worse than it did when he left and he used to be a bit Hmm.

Now I have hyperemesis and barely survive on my days off with toddler he comes home to a TOTAL SHIT SHOW! The aftermath of me not keeping up after 87 meals for toddler... 62 different puzzles being dragged out... 43 spillages (not all potty related) and all the other carnage of the day haha

SnapJack68 · 14/05/2017 00:55

sailorcherries ah your children are clearly much better brought up than my tyrant feral toddler ...

anon1987 · 14/05/2017 01:04

When I worked, my house was tidy, because nobody was there till the evening.
Now I'm a sahp my house is like a bomb site.

It's harder to keep a house tidy when you're a sahp then when you're working full time.ignore your husband op, men can be dicks sometimes. Tell him to get a cleaner if he doesn't like it, but you're not a maid. Wine

Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2017 01:07

Just remember OP you are not an employee, he is not your boss. Talk together and great points above about how hard it is to keep things tidy with kids about.

SnapJack68 · 14/05/2017 01:15

Ah anon my chum.. sorry for being pedantic about respiration versus breathing. .. I didn't mean to be. I am a science teacher and therefore am naturally just a douchebag

Good job the elsa character they sent did respire or the op would have had more to moan about than a bump

Squishedstrawberry4 · 14/05/2017 04:15

Single people still have to cook/clean/care for elderly relatives. They don't get to come home and put their feet up. He doesn't get a free ride because he has a partner who is a SAHP. Particularly if he has a standard length day rather then a 6am to 8pm day.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 14/05/2017 04:22

Sailor she has a baby constantly AND ALSO a preschooler in tow most of the time. Having two children in the house makes mess. The baby on its own could be high needs. Yes it is easier to do housework when one person can watch the kids and the other skim through housework.

StillHungryy · 14/05/2017 04:27

Lol YAB incredibly U change excercise with Xbox or PlayStation and there's countless threads where posters have questioned a man being a SAHP saying it's not good enough.

yoursforthetalking · 14/05/2017 04:40

SAHP vs. Cleaner. It's all been said before but I do think these usually men confuse the roles. I did the SAH bit with first two and back to work with last one. Hands down 100% working was easier for me. Tell him to fuck off or walk in your shoes for two weeks hopefully when the baby and toddler are both projectile vomiting and the washing machine is leaking

NightWanderer · 14/05/2017 05:51

Leave the book Wifework on his bed stand.

It's exhausting having young kids. I also find it hard to get much done with the kids home. Plus shopping, cooking, laundry, dishes take up so much time on their own. You live in a home not a magazine it doesn't have to be perfect all the time.

SallyGinnamon · 14/05/2017 05:52

DH was a SAHD for 9 months when DS was little. He had great plans for all the things he'd do while he was 'off'.

Then he realised Grin.

So he had no unrealistic expectations when I was a SAHM for DD.

melj1213 · 14/05/2017 06:14

I think YABU - in a day you manage to cook dinner, school run, look after the baby and exercise. In a day your DH manages to do a full day's work, clean, tidy and spend time with your DCs.

It's one thing if there's lunch plates still waiting to be washed up at teatime and toys all over the living room that are being played with - that's "normal" daily mess that can be cleared in minutes and is totally fine to have not done and his moaning is just a difference in his standard of normal "living mess" ... if last night's dinner plates, today's breakfast and lunch plates are in the sink, every toy your DCs own are strewn through the house and this happens regularly then IMHO he has a point that you could do a bit more during the day.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 06:33

I'm so glad my DH isn't a tosser.
I'm a SAHM. I do the majority of stuff around the home but he often gets home and there's laundry not done/washing up in the sink etc. Once the children are in bed (also a pre schooler and a baby) we'll just both do what needs doing and then both sit down together. He's never complained about it (and he does 90% of the cooking!) He'd rather I was taking the children out and about in the fresh air all day than us all being at home while I get jobs done.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 06:33

Your husband (and some of the handmaidens on this thread) need to read Wifework.

HappyFlappy · 14/05/2017 06:44

Laundry is like painting the Forth Bridge, especially when you have young children. There's no sooner a load in the machine that the washing basket is full again!

Children make it difficult to get stuck into any task - they interrupt you every five minutes and need to be properly watched to make sure they don't injure themselves (toddlers seem to have a set-destruct button in my experience) - you can't even go for a wee without an audience.

I thin those posters who say that "It doesn't take much to clean and tidy as you go" either have no children, or had comparatively "easy" children, or ignore their children (I knew one woman who locked her sons in their bedrooms while she put on her make-up, got dressed - was always up to the nines - and then did her housework etc. They spent the best part of the day shut in their bedrooms. They were separate so that they didn't fight.), or maybe are just superwomen who can take everything in their stride.

And why shouldn't you do a bit of exercise? it makes you feel better ad look better, and it is also a little island of 'you' time in a sea of "mammy, mammy. mammy".

As someone else suggested leave him with the kids, for at least a week, and see how well he copes.

YokoReturns · 14/05/2017 06:51

OP Google OCPD - it's different to OCD.

People with OCPD hold others to their impossible standards, and are impossible to live with.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 06:52

Oh. and DH goes to the gym during his working day (gym in the office) so I will bloody choose exercise over another load of laundry if I ever get the chance.

jarhead123 · 14/05/2017 06:53

It depends how bad the house is when he gets home IMO.

A friend of mine was a SAHM and her house was a shithole. She clearly did nothing! In this situation he would not be unreasonable.

However, if it's just a few bits and bobs that you've not managed to do yet, he IS being unreasonable.

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