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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable?

240 replies

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 13/05/2017 21:38

I'm a stay at home and my husband is unhappy with the lack of work I do around the house. I make home cooked meals every day for us and our children, take son to preschool and look after baby at home. I fit in my exercise when I can but it seems that nothing i do is enough. He gets annoyed that there is still laundry, cleaning etc to do when he gets home and wonders why it so not been done during the day.
Is he being unfair to ask this? I would rather enjoy my children than spend all of my time cleaning/ironing etc.

OP posts:

cherish123 · 13/05/2017 22:37

Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day. He is being a bit of a twat. When I was not working, I did get most things done but most of the day was spent with DC. I did ironing in evening. I would not get myself stressed if things were not done. My husband was more likely to moan at me for doing too much. However, if I was working and husband not working I would be a bit miffed if basic housework not done.

Naicehamshop · 13/05/2017 22:38

I don't think the issue really is whether the op does enough housework or not, the issue is that human dh comes home and demands to know what she has been doing all day.

He is not her boss and he has NO right to speak to her like that.

Obsidian77 · 13/05/2017 22:40

I used to work 70 hours a week and it was a breeze. The house was immaculate, like pp's have said, because nobody was around during the day to mess it up.
I found being at home with 2 young DCs a real struggle. I couldn't get everything done that I wanted to during the day because they never bloody slept. If you have a DC who takes 2 lots of 2 hour naps during the day then sure, you can get lots done. If you don't get the chance because you are holding one or the other the entire time then it's harder to pop a wash on and tidy as you go.
Having said that, I can't stand a messy house, so the fact I couldn't keep on top of the housework really got me down. DH, however, is a reasonable person and wouldn't have dreamed of giving me hassle about it. In op's case it is the lack of trust that would frustrate me most.
How much housework does he get done when he has sole care of the DCs?

MaQueen · 13/05/2017 22:43

When I was a SAHM I had a newborn DD2 and DD1 was still only crawling.

I no more expected DH to come home and start Hoovering, than he expected me to pop into his offices and handle some paperwork.

Yes, he would always help out if I was really struggling/ill but I saw being a SAHM as my job really. Like someone else said, it takes literally 2 mins to put a wash on, and just 5 mins to Hoover a room.

I wouldn't have tolerated being interrogated as to how I'd spent my day, though

sailorcherries · 13/05/2017 22:43

The phrase the OP used was "asks me what I've done all day", not "demands to know my exact movements and actions" dear christ.

While on mat leave my OH comes in and asks "what have you been doing all day?" Not because the house is a shit tip, not because nothing has been done but because he wants to make conversation about my day. If I get offended by that then that is my issue and not his.

Unless we know the tone the husband uses then that is a perfectly innocent question.

"What have you done all day?" "Well we got up and had breakfast before getting ready. We then walked toddler to pre-school and went to the park on the way home. Once we were home baby was asleep so I cooked dinner and exercised a little. Baby woke up so we played before going to pre-school to collect toddler. Park on the way home". It's him asking about your day unless either a) there is an accusatory tone or b) the OP is creating mountains out of mole hills.

NataliaOsipova · 13/05/2017 22:44

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment when a working friend of mine pointed out that her house was a hell of a lot tidier on the days she was at work and her kids went to nursery.... The sheer chaos that can be spread by a preschooler and a baby is greater than one would ever imagine. I always thought of it as firefighting rather than organised tidying/cleaning. Plus - what are the children supposed to do while you are all at home? Sit and watch you clean? It's easier said than done.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 13/05/2017 22:45

TBH his is why shared parental leAve with both parents taking a turn at home for a few months is a good idea. Some children can be juggled with housework, some really can't, so both having a go at trying it can be eye-opening all round. For us DS1 no problem, DS2 different kettle of fish entirely.

phoenixtherabbit · 13/05/2017 22:45

I don't have a secret

I probably only wash up once a day, don't have a dishwasher. Do one load of laundry on the days I don't work. Vac prob once a day, mop prob twice a week. Dust maybe once a week?

I deep clean the kitchen and bathroom once a week but that's when dps home. I really don't have a secret I just don't find it that hard honestly.

But like I said I still agree working full time is easier than being at home full time.

And I agree ops dh shouldn't be questioning her because I wouldn't like that either

Underthemoonlight · 13/05/2017 22:45

I'm currently sahm I have three DC 8,3 and 1 I do school runs plus nursery run on the afternoon and pick ups. I manage to cook clean and do washing and drying. I see it as part of my role just like he gets up at 5 o'clock to go to work to support the family he understands I support him in this way. I wouldn't expect him to come to a house and start cleaning so I do think your being unreasonable. I manage to spread things ascross the week.

innagazing · 13/05/2017 22:49

I wonder how old the baby is, and whether op is breast feeding.
I don't think we really have enough info to know whether it's reasonable to complain or not.

witsender · 13/05/2017 22:50

Tbh, I think one of the perks of being/having a sahm is the fact that life should be a little easier at home. That the house stays a bit more organised, the weekends are clearer for fun stuff etc. Good for the sahp, good for the one taking on the earning responsibility. I'd have been peed off it DH had critiqued me, however he would have been justifiably pissed off if nothing was ever done. We're all capable people.

ohtheholidays · 13/05/2017 22:52

I don't think anyone can say if your DH is being unreasonable without knowing how much you do and how much he does around the house?

I know how hard it can be especially with a baby in the house and even more so if they're not a great sleeper but when I was on my own with 4DC I worked part time and went to college three days a week and I did all of the housework because there was only me,if I didn't do it it wouldn't get done.

I think for so many of us you just find a way when you haven't got a choice that or you lower your expectations.

If it's just a few dishes that need washing up,1 load of laundry not done and the children's toys left out then he needs to learn to not stress out about it,that or to just sort it out himself.

But if it's a dishwasher and sink full of dishes,the washing basket full of dirty laundry,overflowing bins and a tide mark round the bath then you need to find time to do more cleaning up in the day.

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 22:53

Surely if it was a lighthearted/breezy/conversational 'what have you been up to today then, love?' sailorcherries, OP wouldn't have started the thread, because she'd know exactly what he meant - that he was genuinely interested in her day and cared enough to ask.

ThePinkOcelot · 13/05/2017 22:54

I do not think that your DH should have to come home from work and start on tasks when you are stay st home. YABU.

sunnydaysss · 13/05/2017 22:55

Pop into his place of work and demand to know what he's doing! Very cheeky of him IMO. I stay at home with DC and my DH would never ever ask what I've been doing all day as if he was my employer because he's not! In fact he's totally the opposite and encourages me to leave stuff and go enjoy myself with our DC. Tell him to keep his beak out.

newnameoldme · 13/05/2017 22:56

just wtf! i don't even know where to begin!

you're his dw, who he loves, an equal person to him and he should be appreciating you and concerned about how being at home with kids and doing all this single handed day in day out is affecting you.

i would be extremely hurt to be criticised by my dh. where's the support?

you are not employed as a housekeeper so there's no justification for high expectations and any kind of anger at your underperformance. this sort of misunderstanding of your roles needs to be clarified asap or it will only simmer into longterm resentments. your dh needs to be schooled - its not 1950s

meanwhile carve out some time for yourself, keep up with what makes you feel like your ownself and not only mum/ housewife etc.

WatchingFromTheWings · 13/05/2017 22:57

The phrase the OP used was "asks me what I've done all day", not "demands to know my exact movements and actions" dear christ.

We don't know the tone or exact wording though. When I had my first DC, he was breast feeding every 2 hours for an hour or more a time, even through the night. I regularly had my sneering (now ex) H demand 'what have you been doing all day??' Inbetween feeds I was winding, nappy changing, moping up puke before starting all over again.

Also, he got to clock out at 5:30 and sit on the sofa doing fuck all the rest of the day. Many SAHP's Don't get that option.

Naicehamshop · 13/05/2017 22:58

Sailor - did you miss the bit where the op said her dh gets "annoyed", shows a "lack of trust", and is "unhappy" with what she does? It's nothing like your situation with your dh.

RainbowBriteRules · 13/05/2017 22:59

Fair enough phoenix, was hoping for a magic answer .

NoAprilFool · 13/05/2017 23:00

I'm conflicted on this. While I accept that sahm does not equal housekeeper, if I were the husband in this situation I would expect a reasonable amount of housework to be done,
I work 4 days in a high pressure job, I still do the laundry etc. On the day I'm at home with DD, there is definitely a bit more clutter to pick up but I still do laundry, cook fresh food etc. I don't get to exercise, but then neither does DH.

WatchingFromTheWings · 13/05/2017 23:00

I do not think that your DH should have to come home from work and start on tasks when you are stay st home. YABU.

So OP can stop work the same time as DH then?? I bet she's on call 24/7. He main role is to look after the kids. Everything else is secondary and down to both of them, even if it's not 59/50.

WatchingFromTheWings · 13/05/2017 23:01

*50/50

RainbowBriteRules · 13/05/2017 23:02

YY Watching.

Funnyfarmer · 13/05/2017 23:03

Could you get an activity tracker.
My friend and her dp had a similar argument. They both got an activity tracker. And it did turn out he was much more active that her during the day.

RedSkyAtNight · 13/05/2017 23:03

Interesting that the OP says she'd rather have time to enjoy her children then do housework. I'm wondering if DH also has time to enjoy his children, or whether all his post work time is taken up with housework, laundry etc?

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