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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable?

240 replies

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 13/05/2017 21:38

I'm a stay at home and my husband is unhappy with the lack of work I do around the house. I make home cooked meals every day for us and our children, take son to preschool and look after baby at home. I fit in my exercise when I can but it seems that nothing i do is enough. He gets annoyed that there is still laundry, cleaning etc to do when he gets home and wonders why it so not been done during the day.
Is he being unfair to ask this? I would rather enjoy my children than spend all of my time cleaning/ironing etc.

OP posts:
Funnyfarmer · 13/05/2017 23:04
  • he is the wp. She is the sahp
Happyhippy45 · 13/05/2017 23:05

My DH used to get home and be pissed off everything wasn't in a decent order. We had many arguments about it. I was running about all day, not sitting on my arse eating Bon Bons watching day time tv.
We reached the agreement that instead of criticising he could either pitch in or be quiet and accept I wasn't able to get EVERYTHING done.

sailorcherries · 13/05/2017 23:05

watchingfromthewings the OP has said that he comes home to tidy, clean and is hands on with the kids. It isn't the same as your situation.

naicehamshop she said she feels like there is a lack of trust because he asks what she has been doing. Whether that is through her own interpretation of the conversation of his tone we don't know. Other posters have also said that they would be annoyed at having to come home and do the cleaning and tidying while their partner was home all day. Again, that doesn't indicate whether the husband is actually demanding to know what she does, which was the entire point of the post I made. Someone can be annoyed without demanding to know what another has done. I did state that he may just be making conversation or may not be, but the OP never said either way despite some posters deciding he was demanding/bossing her around.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 13/05/2017 23:07

People seem to be forgetting that OP has a preschooler and a baby. So will be very busy caring for them both. If the baby is over 6 months, yes you should be doing the bulk of the housework. However it's a bit 1950's dad expecting everything to be done and to do nothing. Maybe he doesn't realise how much is actually involved? Doing chores while looking after children. Also he gets a lunch break, so yes you should get time to exercise.

user1492324666 · 13/05/2017 23:08

I work and have a SATH. At the start, if I complained about things not being done, he said, while you stay at home and I'll go to work. Suddenly, they no longer seemed important. Stand up for yourself and get recognition for what you do, not what you don't do!

No doubt there are home jobs he's not done, and he needs to appreciate what you do is demanding as well as his job, and having you at home makes his life a lot easier as he doesn't need to worry about the childcare.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 13/05/2017 23:11

You basically need the same amount of down time each week. So add his lunch breaks and evening sit downs together. Add your childfree and evening sit down time together

Naicehamshop · 13/05/2017 23:11

Sailor - she said he "gets annoyed" with her. How many interpretations can you put on that? Confused

glitterglitters · 13/05/2017 23:12

This

Is husband being unreasonable?
Funnyfarmer · 13/05/2017 23:13

I really dont think a working parent asking sahp What They have done all day is an unreasonable question. It's both their house. And both their kids. I think he has the right to know both are being looked after well. If he is earning the money to support financially then isn't it your role to maintain manually?
Sure you would want to no why if he went to work all day but wasn't bringing home enough money to account for the hours he's been at work

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 23:13

'Could you get an activity tracker. '

This is a similar thing to stopping everything but childcare, and gives credence to her DH's idea that he has the right to question her time keeping and that she's answerable to him.

She doesn't have to prove anything to him.

Naicehamshop · 13/05/2017 23:14

How can you confuse "getting annoyed" and "just making conversation" Sailor?

RB68 · 13/05/2017 23:17

It doesn't sound to me like she is doing nothing at all, it sounds like there is stuff still not done at the end of each day - but its like work - there is always something in the in box or a hangover from projects etc. Also who washes every single day. Preschool and baby - well between runs to and from preschool there is very little time usually - how is she getting there - if its a 30 min walk each way that's a big chunk out of the day - if we take into account shopping, putting it all away if an online shop and then the cleaning and washing she does do - alot depends on what his standards are. If he is a bit OCD and expects dusting and hoovering, washing and ironing every day on top of childcare and cooking then he is being unreasonable even if he does some of the evening chores and childcare.

I think I would be setting down what the expectations were and going from there as to whether reasonable or not - but then maybe planning a weekend to see your Mum or something when he is in charge - Sometimes there is an element of jealousy as they think you have choice over what you do with your time when the reality is its pretty relentless

sailorcherries · 13/05/2017 23:18

naicehamshop

He asked what she does during the day. She decided this was a lack of trust.
We do not know the tone used.

You can be annoyed that x/y/z is not done and left to you while also asking your partner what they have done during the day, neither are mutually exclusive and at no point did the OP suggest or state that he comes home and gets annoyed before demanding to know what she done.

We know that:

  1. He is annoyed at having to clean and tody after work
  2. He has asked the OP what she has done during the day.

Neither is unreasonable and until OP clarifies we cannot assume that both happened at the same time or that number 2 was a demand to know because of lack of trust.

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 23:19

'I think he has the right to know both are being looked after well. '

WTF?? Hmm

No he doesn't.

His paid employment doesn't give him any rights over her whatsoever. Women aren't chattel any more.

The OP and their DC don't belong to him, and they aren't something that need a STASI like eye kept on them by The Man of the House.

sailorcherries · 13/05/2017 23:20

naicehamshop how can you confuse the OPs husband being annoyed at x as meaning that he either a) cannot have a conversation or b) lacks trust?

The OP posted them as two issues.

He is annoyed she doesn't do enough.
She believes he doesn't trust her because of a question.

They are two bloody different things.

noitsnotme · 13/05/2017 23:20

Maybe the place is a shit tip when he comes home, and that's why he asks what OP has done all day. She said the cleaning and tidying still need done when he gets home and that he does it. If one of the dc is out for 2/3 hours a day, I don't see why the cleaning tidying and some laundry needs done every evening as implied by OP.

Scrowy · 13/05/2017 23:28

it takes 5 minutes to pop a wash on yes it does. Good job the laundry fairies come and do the hard bit of hanging it up to dry and/or ironing it.

I am funding my maternity leave completely myself (a different thread altogether). There is no financial cost to my DP, he does not contribute any more to the household than he did previously.

But because I am on maternity leave many on this thread deem I automatically become the housekeeper because I am now home all day? Fuck that!

I mean by default I am keeping things clean and tidyish as I go along but I reserve the right not to if DC are being particularly needy that day and have made it abundantly clear to DP that just because I am currently at home does not mean he gets a free pass from his normal household chores. Why does me being on maternity leave suddenly make him more busy and less able to chip in with housework than he used to be? Bollocks it does.

It's this attitude that results in women not returning to full time employment after having children. Suddenly they not only become responsible for the vast majority of childcare but also also the rest of the household tasks and it suddenly seems undoable on anything other than part time hours.

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 23:28

If that's the case noitsnotme, then surely her DH should be asking if she's alright and looking to support her rather than going on about why his kegs haven't been washed?

Funnyfarmer · 13/05/2017 23:31

I never said he has rights over her. I said he has the right to know there being cared for probably. How do you translate that him having rights over her?
They are both an equal partnership so both have to pull there weight in homemaking and raising the dcs. If he is earning the money to maintain the house and cleaning it. It's not equal is it?

Funnyfarmer · 13/05/2017 23:33

"She doesn't have to prove anything to him."

No she doesn't have too. But from what I've read it sounds like she wants to. To show him that she IS busy all day.

NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag · 13/05/2017 23:38

So you're saying that her DH gets to define what 'cared for properly' means just because he's the main breadwinner Funnyfarmer?

She's not his employee, he has no authority over her and she doesn't owe him an explanation.

The fact that he thinks she does speaks volumes about his sense of entitlement.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 13/05/2017 23:40

The person not working should pick up the bulk of the household jobs as they are at home.

Most people would be cross if they were at work all day and came home and had to start doing laundry etc when the other person hadn't been to work and done barely anything.

Making a meal and doing the school run isn't hard, most working parents will collect their children from school or childcare and then prepare a meal.

Funnyfarmer · 13/05/2017 23:41

No he gets to express what "cared for probably " means to him because it's his house and kids too.

sailorcherries · 13/05/2017 23:42

He is working to presumably allow her to become a sahp (allow as in financially, not in a "he owns her" way).

So he works, then has to come home and do the cleaning, tidying and laundry before gettng to spend time with and 'enjoy' his kids.
She does a pre-school run and cooks, occasionally exercises, because otherwise it gets in the way of her 'enjoying' the kids.

Which part of that is unequal? Which party seems to have more to do in terms of household upkeep, bot financially and maintenance?

noitsnotme · 13/05/2017 23:49

Neverever Maybe he has. We're only getting her side. He knows her better than any of us. Maybe he asked and she's told him she's fine, and she is. He can see she is coping fine, exercising and enjoying the children and just doesn't fancy tidying/cleaning up and knows he'll do it. I'm not saying that's the case, but not managing to clean and tidy doesn't automatically signal struggling and she hasn't given that impression here.