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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable?

240 replies

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 13/05/2017 21:38

I'm a stay at home and my husband is unhappy with the lack of work I do around the house. I make home cooked meals every day for us and our children, take son to preschool and look after baby at home. I fit in my exercise when I can but it seems that nothing i do is enough. He gets annoyed that there is still laundry, cleaning etc to do when he gets home and wonders why it so not been done during the day.
Is he being unfair to ask this? I would rather enjoy my children than spend all of my time cleaning/ironing etc.

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 14/05/2017 07:29

You should be doing the bulk of the daily chores. If it were the other way round and you came home after a full day's' work to a house that was a skip how would you feel? Being a SAHM is not just all about parks and play groups. You are responsible for managing the day to day requirements of the household - unless you expect him to do that too after a full day's work? If this post was the other way round and the poster was a SAHD he'd be getting flamed by now.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 07:39

If it were the other way round and you came home after a full day's' work to a house that was a skip how would you feel?

Where did she say the house was a skip?

RainbowBriteRules · 14/05/2017 07:48

If he poster was a SAHD my responses would be exactly the same. If I was the one getting home to a shit tip each day I hope I would inwardly sigh (at the realities of life with small children, not at my partner), make a cup of tea for both of us and get involved. Not because I am a saint but because I am a human being in a partnership.

FWIW, the house was much tidier on my work days than on my days off when my DC were that age.

Ethylred · 14/05/2017 07:54

You sound lazy tbh.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 08:14

You sound lazy tbh.

She's at home with two small children all day. I don't see how it's possible to be lazy under those circumstances - my 14mo doesn't sit still, ever, and there's only one of him!

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 08:18

I'd love to be lazy, but my pre schooler and baby don't let me.

So much martyrdom on this thread.

RainbowBriteRules if my DH gets home to a shit tip he says 'bad day?' and gets stuck in. Thinks get done much quicker/easier if you both muck in and don't moan at each other. Makes for a much more harmonious life, without all this bitterness of 'you've been at home all day while I've been out working'.

RainbowBriteRules · 14/05/2017 08:22

Ecureuil, yes I agree, that's what I was trying to say. Stuff gets done quicker if you both get stuck in.

HarrySnotter · 14/05/2017 08:23

I think I live in another fucking planet sometimes.

I was a SAHP for 6 years before I went back to work and I can never understand people who can't seem to manage to stick a washing on or run the hoover round. It's about give and take, not all take, from either partner. Whenever the DC's were napping/playing happily/stuck in front of CBeebies for ten minutes (before anyone accuses me of neglecting my children to the TV), you can easily load/empty a dishwasher and get the duster out. I used to clean whichever room my DC's were in at the time. Unless you live in a castle, it literally takes 10 minutes.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 08:24

Whenever the DC's were napping/playing happily/stuck in front of CBeebies for ten minutes

And what if your child doesn't nap, doesn't play and won't watch tv?

claraschu · 14/05/2017 08:27

One person's shit-tip is another person's warm and cosy paradise.

HarrySnotter · 14/05/2017 08:29

*I'd love to be lazy, but my pre schooler and baby don't let me.

So much martyrdom on this thread.*

You're right, there is so much martyrdom on this thread. Lot's of us also have/had pre-shoolers and babies too and managed just fine without feeling like we didn't have other responsibilities too.

To be clear, some days I got fuck all done because it was a truly shitty, bad day, but on the whole I think most people manage to get a fair amount done when they're at home with their children if they do little bits at a time.

HarrySnotter · 14/05/2017 08:31

And what if your child doesn't nap, doesn't play and won't watch tv?

To be fair, DD wasn't a great napper so I had her in a sling some of the time or I would have got nothing done at all.

I'm not for one minute saying we are all the same, and of course DH helped out when he came home, but people seemed to have managed to get by for years.

kaitlinktm · 14/05/2017 08:38

While on mat leave my OH comes in and asks "what have you been doing all day?" Not because the house is a shit tip, not because nothing has been done but because he wants to make conversation about my day. If I get offended by that then that is my issue and not his.

I think it is the use of all day which makes it sound like an accusation. If someone is enquiring about your day, ime they usually say something like "What have you been doing today then?"

"What have you been doing ALL day?" makes it sound like "it's been a WHOLE day and I can see no evidence that you have done any of the jobs I think you should do." Otherwise why use "all" at all?

whattheactualfudge · 14/05/2017 08:41

Sounds like he's a little bit envious. However, the way you've typed your OP, implies you believe that as you already have so much to do during the day that you don't feel you should have to clean & do laundry?
In my opinion if he is working full time as the sole provider for the family, then I think it's fairly reasonable for you to be doing the Lion's share of the housework. Though I am by no means saying he shouldn't have to do any - not at all! And of course looking after the children & preparing meals would always be expected to take priority during the day, over cleaning or doing laundry.

whattheactualfudge · 14/05/2017 08:45

Oh yes the do Gleam!!! My mum worked full time then cooked a big dinner - from scratch when we all got home and then cleaned the house & did laundry and whatever else needed doing, before getting ready for work the next day. Whilst my Dad was working full time and then out at his second job on a weekday evening.

whattheactualfudge · 14/05/2017 08:51

Kaitlin So you're saying that even though he husband is providing for the family and out all day at work, financially funding his wife and child and their home, he should still essentially do 50% of the house work?!?!?! Just because OP has been bending & stretching instead of wiping & folding?! Wow. Just wow!

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 08:52

You're right, there is so much martyrdom on this thread. Lot's of us also have/had pre-shoolers and babies too and managed just fine without feeling like we didn't have other responsibilities too

You misunderstand me. I know I have other responsibilities too. I feed my children, clean up after them, generally do the cleaning and laundry. But if there are a few days when there are still dishes in the sink, or a pile of washing to be done it's not the end of the world. I don't think 'poor DH having to come home from a tough day to unwashed pots'. And more importantly neither does he. We both just do it after they're in bed with no whinging and accusations. Because we're a partnership and reasonable human beings.
In the same way that if he wants some work advice in the evenings (I used to work in the same industry) or to go through some ideas with me im happy to do it. I wouldn't say 'err no my job is to look after the children, I don't want to finish a hard day then have to do your work for you'.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 14/05/2017 08:54

You are at home every day and manage a cooked meal, school run and possibly exercise. People do all of that while working.

Yep, and the OP is working too. Did you miss the bit where she said she has a baby. Looking after small people is work too.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 08:57

So you're saying that even though he husband is providing for the family and out all day at work, financially funding his wife and child and their home

Yes, and by having a nice jolly time at home 🙄 this man's wife is enabling to have a career, secure himself financially and earn a pension. All of which she is sacrificing for herself in order to raise his children.

Ffs, I despair.

NoSandPlease · 14/05/2017 09:01

IMO the basics should be done- dishwasher loaded, surfaces wiped, floors swept, toys tidied. I do a couple of loads of laundry a day as toddler gets very messy!

As long as things are reasonably tidy and hygienic I don't see a problem.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 09:01

I'd be really doubting my marriage if my DH came home and whinged at me about not getting stuff done, rather than accepting there was a reason it wasn't done and pitching in to help. He knows I'm not lazy and that I'm not sitting on my arse all day while the kids run riot, so he'd just accept that for whatever reason certain things hadn't been done.
I don't go through his work checking he's met his deadlines. I accept that he can manage his own time and prioritise as he sees fit. He gives me the same respect back.

Trifleorbust · 14/05/2017 09:03

I was on maternity leave until recently and got a fair bit done in the house: dishes, usually cooked the evening meal, food shopping, hoovering, wiping surfaces, laundry. Not ironing. No-one has time for that! I still got out and about for a couple of hours daily and had plenty of time with the baby.

My DH is now the SAHP. He gets a loss less of the housework done, preferring to work in the garden and do DIY. It's irritating to see that the bathroom hasn't been cleaned for weeks, but I appreciate that I haven't had to paint the hall, if that makes sense. I would be pretty unhappy if he did nothing all day.

kaitlinktm · 14/05/2017 09:11

Kaitlin So you're saying that even though he husband is providing for the family and out all day at work, financially funding his wife and child and their home, he should still essentially do 50% of the house work?!?!?! Just because OP has been bending & stretching instead of wiping & folding?! Wow. Just wow!

Well no actually I'm not.

What I actually said was that they should have equal leisure time. They should only share the essential stuff for that evening (bedtime, washing up etc). It's not the same thing.

How can equal not be fair?

BigGrannyPants · 14/05/2017 09:18

YANBU his job is (whatever he does for a living) your job is taking care of the kids, which enables him to go out and do his job. Housework should be shared. I am a SAHM and do the majority of the housework, but my DH does the majority of the cooking and tidying of the kitchen. We split the ironing and split/share bathing and putting the kids to bed every night. Your DH needs to understand your role better (and his). You are not his skivvy

MorrisZapp · 14/05/2017 09:19

How do men without small children manage to keep themselves in food and clean clothes after 'working all day'?

I'm baffled by the way society suddenly elevates work to heroism when it's a man with kids. Most of my working life I've come home at 6pm and not one fucker has washed my pants or made me a hot meal.

I have managed those tasks myself, as does pretty much the entire working population.

But if it's a father suddenly it's 'omg but he's been working ALL DAY'. Well blimey what a hero. Steak dinner for Steve.

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