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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable?

240 replies

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 13/05/2017 21:38

I'm a stay at home and my husband is unhappy with the lack of work I do around the house. I make home cooked meals every day for us and our children, take son to preschool and look after baby at home. I fit in my exercise when I can but it seems that nothing i do is enough. He gets annoyed that there is still laundry, cleaning etc to do when he gets home and wonders why it so not been done during the day.
Is he being unfair to ask this? I would rather enjoy my children than spend all of my time cleaning/ironing etc.

OP posts:
witsender · 14/05/2017 13:47

Even if they don't (like mine), most will either go in a sling, a bouncer or on a playmate for a bit.

thedcbrokemybank · 14/05/2017 13:50

But that's it isn't it, op and her dh aren't getting equal leisure time because he comes home from work and has to clean and tidy

See I'm not seeing anywhere that the OP says that her dh comes home and has to do ALL the cleaning and tidying just that there is still stuff left to do. There is always stuff to do.
I am a SAHM to 4 dc doing a part-time masters. I have 3 at school and one pre-schooler. My house is never immaculate when dh comes home and there is always washing to be done and cleaning up to do. It doesn't magically stop when he walks through the door at 6 and thankfully he doesn't expect it to either.

CBeebiesaddict · 14/05/2017 13:52

I have always seen to SAHM role to be childcare not housework and I see it as equivalent to a nanny but for your own children. So a nanny would be paid to take care of the children not the house. She/he would prepare meals for the children and clear up after them and she would do the children's laundry. She wouldn't clean the house.

When I am home with DS (I have one weekday with him due to part time hours) I do cook and do the laundry but neither I or DH see it as my responsibility to clean. I am taking care of DS and giving him 1:1 time. His nap is my lunch break.

So YANBU OP. A baby and a pre-schooler are a full time job as any nanny would tell you.

Gillian1980 · 14/05/2017 13:55

I think everyone's circumstances and views vary so much on this that people will never agree!

Before we had dd We discussed this and I said that while on maternity leave I was going to spend the day focusing on parenting and any housework achieved would be a bonus. Dh was at work and my job was parenting; evening and weekends were split.

I now work p/t and find work a million times easier than being at home. And I have a demanding and stressful job! Honestly, I find being at home insanely challenging.

I do what I can at home but rarely get much housework done and there is always plenty to do evening and weekend.

The excellent thing... dh knows how hard I find it being at home and that I'm doing the best I can. He is completely happy to come home and pitch in and has never once questioned how much I have or haven't got done while he's at work.

It feels like a lack of trust. I'd be insulted if my dh thought I was choosing to take the piss instead of thinking I was doing my best.

eyespydreams · 14/05/2017 13:55

But she looks after the preschooler, a baby and does most of the laundry and all the cooking. She says this in her first few posts; she also says she thinks her DH must have OCD tendencies as he likes things perfect (isn't that what she said?). So it's really quite possible that she IS the happy medium.

eyespydreams · 14/05/2017 14:19

Gillian I have very similar views/setup to you, except that DH is often away so we have some help too.

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 14:24

@eyespydreams she says he doesn't like things untidy or UNCLEAN. How unclean are we talking about?

Also there is a thread going on at the moment about how offensive it is to attribute OCD to people that just like things tidy .
OP's comment wasn't based on any facts or diagnosis but everyone just jumped on the bandwagon assuming his standards are impossible.

phoenixtherabbit · 14/05/2017 14:34

The thing is none of us know what ops house is like.

My version of untidy might be very different to ops. Anything out of its place is untidy to me, toys are untidy, cushions not in the right place are untidy. So my house whilst the baby is awake is often untidy and isn't completely tidy until he's gone to bed.

Unclean makes me think I wouldn't want to go in at all.

sailorcherries · 14/05/2017 15:30

*I make home cooked meals every day for us and our children, take son to preschool and look after baby at home. I fit in my exercise when I can but it seems that nothing i do is enough. He gets annoyed that there is still laundry, cleaning etc to do when he gets home

He will clean and tidy up but I do most of the laundry*

The op cooks, takes toddler to and from preschool and does 'most' of the laundry.
Her husband is still lumbered with the rest of the laundry, cleaning, tidying and work. As well as being a hands in parent when he is home.

The OP having a baby does not render her useless and mean she is exempt from being an adult and tidying up after herself.

And those making comments about scrubbing floors, Stepford wives, being chained to houses are being perfectly obtuse to try and get some silly point across. No one believes a show home standard should be achieved but basic tidying and cleanliness is not hard to achieve.

thedcbrokemybank · 14/05/2017 17:04

Just because she doesn't say it doesn't mean she doesn't do it. She also doesnt say that her dh has to do everything else just that he will clean and tidy.
You can't interpret what she doesn't say one way for her and then the opposite for him.

phoenixtherabbit · 14/05/2017 17:54

It seems odd not to say it when you're trying to prove your point that you do enough or too much. It would be a pretty vital detail to miss out if she cleaned say kitchens and bathrooms every day, vacced the whole house, mopped, polished everywhere etc...

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 18:02

Well she mentions cleaning,tidying and ironing as things she DOESN'T do.

Not that i can blame her on the ironing part. I hate it so I don't iton.

user1471439727 · 14/05/2017 18:42

I would rather enjoy my children than spend all of my time cleaning/ironing etc

I'm sure he would rather enjoy time with his children instead of going to work all day to support his wife and kids. What would be your reaction if he came home one day and told you he was going to stop working so that he could do whatever he fancies?

HarrySnotter · 14/05/2017 19:42

Totally agree user. I used to feel quite sorry for DH when he came home and he felt he'd missed out on some of the fun stuff with the DC's when I was at home and he'd been at work all day.

I also didn't want to live in a shit tip, nor want my DC's to.

Toadinthehole · 14/05/2017 20:01

Looking after a house is just as much a skill worth developing as anything else. Everyone gets to live in more pleasant surroundings, stuff doesn't go missing, and everyone has more time.

The assumption many are making is that housekeeping is just something you do or don't do, and that isn't true.

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