Is husband being unreasonable?

[IsItWine0ClockSoon]

I'm a stay at home and my husband is unhappy with the lack of work I do around the house. I make home cooked meals every day for us and our children, take son to preschool and look after baby at home. I fit in my exercise when I can but it seems that nothing i do is enough. He gets annoyed that there is still laundry, cleaning etc to do when he gets home and wonders why it so not been done during the day.
Is he being unfair to ask this? I would rather enjoy my children than spend all of my time cleaning/ironing etc.

(and you don't have to justify your existence or explain what you do all day on here either. You're an adult and can do whatever the fuck you want)

He asks what you do all day? Apart from childcare, stop doing it.

Her dh isn't there the majority of the time so that's probably got a lot to do with him not doing it I imagine!

If it was me and dp was at home all day with the baby and I came home and shite all had been done I would probably be a bit annoyed, yes.

As much as babies can be hard, and they really can I know that, it's shit to come home from work to a house that is untidy and piles of laundry or whatever.

If it's minimal things like toys or one load of washing I wouldn't be arsed, but if it's so untidy that I'd feel uncomfortable sitting down before moving things, I'd be unhappy.

I do have to agree that it doesn't take long to just tidy up if you do it as you go along.

'People do all of that while working'
Except the childcare bit.

Unless you have a massive house, it isn't rocket science to cook a meal AND do the odd load of washing etc.

phoeix exactly my thinking!

I work compressed full time and my house is clean and tidy. I have a housework routine.

I like many others have both jobs- mum and earner! Mumsnet does often give the impression that SAHP job is harder than any other, I personally don't get that!

I find it's not always possible to do laundry every day. If it's sunny, fine. If it's cold/raining....well there's only so much I can put around the radiators. Even with a tumble drier on the go there's quite often washing waiting to be done. And if my DH doesn't like it, he can do it himself (he never complains tho my ExH regularly did).

Mibbe he should give up his "skiving" then and stay at home while the op pays the bills seeing as he's got it so easy?

I say that as someone whose been on both sides of the coin.

It depends. If you are at home then you should do the bulk of the housework - but that does not mean you have to produce a home to show home standards. If that's what your DH wants, he's being massively U.

Do you defend yourself like he has a valid point when he gets the huff?Don't do that. Tell him to fuck off in whichever way is the normal way to say fuck off in your relationship. Nip this shit in the bud now.

Would you go into his work and complain about how he's doing it? No. But his boss would. Is he your boss?

Butthebear and phoenix - people who are at work all day aren't looking after a baby like the op.
They aren't trekking backwards and forwards to preschool.
They aren't looking after a preschooler for the rest of the day.
They aren't clearing up and tidying up after the preschooler.

It totally depends on the age of the dcs, and the pre-school hours. If one dc is out all day until 3pm, and the other isn't yet walking and naps twice a day, it would be incredibly easy to get everything done. However, if the pre-school is only for 3 hours, and the younger dc is walking and not napping it would be very difficult.

I have 2 pre school age children, both too old to nap, and although I keep on top of washing and tidying, proper cleaning and ironing has to wait until they are in bed. The only way I could get everything done would be to stick them in front of cbeebies. I'd rather not do that.

Exactly gleam. OP, you need to nip this in the bud now and come up with a plan together. To answer your question, YANBU, he is.

I do think that being at work is easier than being at home, but, my hours aren't long, i don't have a commute and I love my job. But I genuinely can't be arsed doing anything like laundry or whatever when I get home.

I have a one year old and he can be a challenge and keeping him occupied, happily, fed clean, getting him to nap is a lot harder than my job. But I do manage to keep my house tidy keep on top of my laundry and feed everyone. You do just find time because you do it as you go along and it's unfair really I think not to do it unless you have given birth recently (because I don't expect anyone who's just pushed a baby out or had an op to be doing anything other than being with their baby) or you have a specifically difficult baby like mine was who was just sick continuously and caused a lot of washing.

No, working parents don't look after a child all day but they aren't in the home all day either.
They do the childcare when they are not working and still manage to do everything the OP puts as a priority.

Children or not, if I came home and my partner had cooked a meal and exercises while I was expected to clean, tidy and to do other odds and ends I'd be annoyed.

As myself and other posters have pointed out it takes minutes to pop a wash on, to tidy as you go, put dishes away and maintain a relatively clean house. No one has stated they expect a full spring clean every day.

If a poster came on and said "I am a working mother and my husband is a sahd. During the day he takes toddler to pre-school, makes dinner and exercises while expecting me to work and then come home to clean, tidy, look after the children etc. Aibu to ask him to do more?" The general consensus would probably be in the womans favour.

This isn't about who stays home, this is about the OP thinking cooking, childcare and exercising is the same as working, cleaning, tidying and childcare.

If you are a sahp then you take over the role of providing childcare and looking after the home during that period until the working parent comes home at which point both chip in. If you are both working then it both falls equally on you.

I know what it's like looking after a pre schooler, I also know what it's like to work because I do both.

Like I've just said, for me working is easier, but I also don't want to clean the house when ive got home. But I can clean the house as we go along while I'm at home with the baby. He's not walking but he crawls and won't sit still for long so I understand it's hard. I think the school runs are irrelevant unless they're a 50 mile walk away. I still go out on my days off!

I think it can be easier to have a clean house when you work full time. No-one is there to mess it up. It stands to reason that if dc's are in the house every day instead of at childcare they create mess and various jobs that need to be done.

Look at what you do during the day and see if anything unnecessary is taking up all your energy - overly ambitious meals for instance. But if you are doing all you can do, he'll have to accept that and pitch in instead of questioning you as if it's all your responsibility.

You can tidy as you go but if you have children untidying it as you go then you don't get very far. If nobody is in the home nobody is there to mess it up!

sailor, my answer to that question would be that the woman was being unreasonable. I appreciate though that is only in my opinion.

Ideally it should work out so that you both have equal leisure time. So if you have been run off your feet all day, then essential chores for that evening should be shared between you and you both should be able to relax at either the same time or for equal amounts of time. If you have had an easier day, then you can take up some of the slack in the evening and let him relax.

I am sure that it isn't the case that there are no clean clothes etc so although there might be laundry to be done, you can always say you will do it next day - no need for him to do it after work.

As long as the house is cleaned regularly (although it won't look clean and tidy at all times of course) and there is food and clean clothes for everyone, then it's all good. If someone insists on perfection all the time then I'm afraid that's their problem. At no point should he be demanding chapter and verse about what you have been doing all day - he's your partner, not your boss or your Dad. Babies and toddlers don't work to a rigid timetable (it would be a lot easier if they did.)

I'm with you!

I wouldn't like to think when the last time I've cleaned our bathrooms properly!

They get an anti bac wipe every now and then!

I do make sure the washing is done though....maybe not ironed out away though!

I've got into a good routine with the kids going to toddler groups that I just don't have time!

The house isn't dirty though....somehow!

It depends, how much time do you get to yourself during the day? Are you able to have a lunch break? Or is every minute taken up with preschool runs, childcare, cooking, laundry, with the exercise being your only break?

As with everything I think it comes down to; do you both have equal amounts of child free leisure time?

Tell him to take 2 weeks of his annual leave and to show you how he would do it,

Yea kids might get toys out but surely they're not dirtying loads and loads of laundry or creating tonnes of washing up?

My living room usually looks like a bombs hit it when the toys are out but it literally takes 5 mins to put them away?

Surely you just put away what they're not playing with or leave it all out until bed time and shove it all in a cupboard put it away?

It depends on your standards I guess doesn't it. I wouldn't say mine are particularly high at all though! I like a tidy house but I'm not over the top with it

'Apart from childcare, stop doing it.'

But then the OP and DC have to live in the shit pit just to prove a point, plus it gives strength to the idea that he's entitled to a break down of what she does, which he isn't.

Sounds to me like the DH is minimising the OP's important role in caring for his children, thinking that he's got the authority to question her if things aren't how he thinks they should be ('I'm sure he's got OCD because he can't stand there being anything messy or unclean.' messy to some people means a few toys on the floor).

Renegotiating their roles together if he's not happy would be very different to this demanding a time sheet when he gets home from work.

phoenix, this is a genuine question but what is your secret? Honestly not trying to be goady or anything.

My DC can easily wreck a room, not now but when much younger would pull books off shelves etc. Laundry is constant if you have a sticky baby or a toilet training toddler plus they spill food. Washing up is created from meals, snacks and drinks while at home. Cleaning required from the meals, snacks and drinks especially if weaning etc. Or e.g. you set up arts and crafts hen have glitter all over which needs hoovering, or toddler spills paint water or walks mud through the house etc.