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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really underhand of MIL?

501 replies

Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:46

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 16/04/2017 09:49

Speak to DC and DH then to MIL together and present a united front. The children go home with you

rainbowstardrops · 16/04/2017 09:50

I would definitely be telling your DH. I wouldn't be happy about the way she's gone about it either.
How old are your DC?

ligersaremyfavouriteanimal · 16/04/2017 09:50

Get DH to deal, they definitely come home with you

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/04/2017 09:51

Just say you've heard from DC and they prefer to go home? You don't need to raise it more - if you've heard them saying that, and she's heard it, she knows deep down what they want. If she asks when you asked them, just look her in the eye and say 'this morning, when you were chatting to them about it'.

Tollygunge · 16/04/2017 09:51

Ah, maybe she just wants to spend a bit longer with her grandchildren? They're very lucky to have a grandmother who is interested in and loves them. Is it such a big deal?

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:51

I will speak to him then. Problem is he often sided with her because he hates to upset her. I'm sure he'll be able to see it was wrong though

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:53

Tollygunge, it's a long distance away so that changes things a bit.. I think? Oh I dont know!

OP posts:
acornsandnuts · 16/04/2017 09:54

tollygunge teaching your children they can be bullied by emotional blackmail is not an 'ah' moment.

shyturnip · 16/04/2017 09:56

^^ exactly

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:56

I agree acornsandnuts

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Tollygunge · 16/04/2017 09:57

If you're not happy with them being there then that's a different story. However my parents live a while away and adore having my kids. My mum often promises my daughter little treats to entice her to stay. I don't have a problem with this. I grew up without grandparents involvement myself and my parents/in laws love my children as though they were their own. They adore spending time with them one on one. It also means I get a break. If they're going to be safe, loved and looked after what's the issue?! How wonderful that she does love them that much and wants them to stay

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/04/2017 09:58

I don't think her wanting more time is the thing the OP objects to, tolly?

But it's unfair both to lie, and to push children into something when they're not happy.

holidaychocs · 16/04/2017 10:16

Just say that ur dc have said they want to go home. No more debate.

Nairsmellsbad · 16/04/2017 10:21

How old are DC? If there isn't a particular reason why not then I would try to find out what they actually want to do.

magoria · 16/04/2017 10:23

Don't let it go.

Your MIL did not accept your DC's choice. She decided her wants was more important than theirs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 10:27

Why not tell your mil that you were going to ask you ds and now that she's gone about it in such an underhand way, you are no longer willing to leave him with her? If she can conduct herself better in future, you can revise this decision. Perhaps your ds will object. But it will also teach him that he cannot and should not be manipulated. It also puts a clear boundary with grandma. You are the parents, not her.

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 10:28

Exactly, it wasn't an invitation it was a demand from herself and she is taking it very badly that the children want to make their own decisions and she won't allow it.
I've spoken to dh and he said 'dc don't have to stay if they don't want to, well ask ourselves later on'
I don't really get what he means as I think it's too late, they've been bribed already! All we can do is ask them ourselves though I guess.
The thing is I wouldn't mind a break but I wanted it to be their decision I don't like the idea of dc feeling muddled up about staying and I hate the feeling that they've been manipulated

OP posts:
Happyhippy45 · 16/04/2017 10:29

Why do they want to go home?
Do they have "screens" at grandparents?
Just wondering if they are dying to get home to play video games Grin
My son would make a decision based on that.

trussstinmeee · 16/04/2017 10:30

No negotiation on this or MIL will be a pain in your ass forevermore. DC should understand what has been going on, and shame on DH, what a baby.

Vatessamia · 16/04/2017 10:30

yes that's car of MIL, I detest such manipulative behaviour toward children, it's inexcusable really.

Explain to the dc that you will go home and ask dh to to tell MIL not to bribe dc in the future. How needy of your MIL, sad really.

MrsChopper · 16/04/2017 10:30

Sounds like she pressured your DC into this. And they might already be familiar with your DH giving in to her to keep her hapoy so they might think this is normal. But of course it's wrong. Take DC home and let DH deal with her.

rainbowstardrops · 16/04/2017 10:31

How old are your children?

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 10:32

Mummyoflittledragon, that would be just too confrontational. All hell would break loose and dh already treads on eggshells anyway. Mil is used to getting her own way and being the head of the family. (As in her children and other grandchildren) It took me a long time to understand how they work and I don't think I'll ever get used to it

OP posts:
Vatessamia · 16/04/2017 10:33

*crap of your mil

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 10:34

They're under 10. Sorry I'm being a bit vague but don't want to out myself for fear of reprisals!

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