To think this is really underhand of MIL?

[Realitea]

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

I agree with the poster who mentioned lack of internet often being a deciding factor.

Just get your stuff ready and go.

Thank her for a lovely time and play dumb. That will irritate the living daylights out of her. If your husband isn't willing to support you and articulate your joint decisions as a couple and parents then just put him to one side like the baby he is and do what you want for your children.

This is another thread which makes me pray to god that I won't be a MIL like this if my son gets married and has kids. If I do his wife has permission to slap me.

NormaSmuff: do you not bribe your children, to go to the shops, to the playground, when they would rather veg?

You've missed my point. I use bribery sparingly, but when I do it's to get things done that need doing - shopping, school runs, etc.. If they choose not to go to non-essential stuff that they might enjoy, e.g. playground/swimming/softplay/whatever, that's up to them.

I absolutely don't bribe them to form relationships with people. I can't imagine a less healthy way to go about it, tbh. It turns the whole thing into some sort of transactional matter in which their child's time is "bought" in return for material stuff. No thanks.

the op used the word bribery, as did I
go and visit aunt ethel and she might give you an easter egg?

talk about getting your knickers in a twist over a grandparent.

Hmm one dc has just said they kind of want to go home because then they can play their new computer game and minecraft. But also so that they can play with me. They then said they'd also like to stay here one more night because it's fun here too. So they're truly muddled up now.

So that's one night, you'd be leaving them for a couple of nights I assume as you live a long way away. If your dcs are 8/9, they will more likely have some emotional resilience. If not, you could be coming back tomorrow to a weepy child. I'd go with what they first said to granny. And that was no. Wait another year perhaps?

Hmm, if you can't face speaking directly to MIL about her (shocking) behaviour, I would address all further discussion of this to your children. When you overheard her, you could have stepped into the conversation and added 'But it's your choice, kids, no one wants to make you do anything you aren't happy with.' Equally, now, I would open up the conversation about what the plan is and directly tell the kids, in front of MIL, that the decision is entirely theirs and that if they want to go home MIL will entirely understand. Then she'd have to make an asshole of herself in front of everyone to get back to her position of influence over them, which I'm betting she won't do. Your kids have to know they don't have to allow themselves to be bullied, and that you will protect them from it until they can handle it themselves. You can always have a direct conversation about what happened with them later, once you're away from your IL's.

NormaSmuff: the op used the word bribery, as did I
go and visit aunt ethel and she might give you an easter egg? talk about getting your knickers in a twist over a grandparent.

OP can corrcet me if I'm wrong but I don't think she was using the term "bribery" in a positive sense. And neither I nor OP are getting our collective underwear knotted up over "a grandparent". My concern at least is that this teaches children some very unhealthy lessons about the foundations of relationships, and OP's point seems to be that her MIL has behaved in a distinctly underhanded way. I'm not sure why those issues are so opaque to you.

I'd go with the DCs original decision. I wouldn't reward MILS behaviour. There's always next time they can stay.

OP when you overheard the conversation, what sort of tone was your MIL using? It was definitely wrong of her to have that conversation with your kids behind your back in any event... however, in terms of the actual conversation, there is quite a difference between a sincere type of offer: "how would you like to stay a few days longer? I was thinking we could do something fun together, a cinema trip or a park or whatever, or just hang out, but of course you may have more fun things to do at home - it's just an idea" where it's offering up nice opportunities for fun time together without any pressure.... and a maliciously intended guilt trip "oh don't you want to stay with granny? Granny will be so sad! Stay with granny and you'll get chocolate... etc... etc...".

That all said, it's important that your DC have the opportunity to say if they want to go home; I'm prepared to bet they actually really do know what they'd prefer and if it's to go home, then they should be able to do so without being made to feel bad (by your MIL). Given their first instinctive response to your MIL was to go home and your DC has said to you that they'd prefer to go home... I think they want to go home but are being polite to your MIL and don't want to hurt her feelings.

Well its not great behaviour but she obviously really wants them to stay. I expect she was telling them the lovely things they could do together. I hate that mumsnet always goes with the idea that she's had her turn as a parent and shouldn't want to be with her grandchildren. Now she having a go at being a grandparent and she would like them to stay. She has gone about it the wrong way but I would only imgine her love for them is at the root of it.

On a practical note, you said that you live a reasonable distance away from you MIL. How are the kids going to get home if they stay on without you? They seem a bit young to take a longish train journey by themselves. Is MIL offering to drive them home, or are you expected to drive home, then turn round the next day, drive to pick them up and drive home again for the second time in 24 hours?

If the latter, then I think you have every right to say 'fuck that for a game of soldiers' regardless of all this emotional manipulation crap.

Yes we are expected to drive home tonight then drive back tomorrow to pick them up! Just this is a bit out of order really as it isn't much of a break if we have to do all that driving. It'll take the whole day. What's the point?

If you are not careful, OP, this could escalate badly.

What happens when you are ready to leave and your children suddenly say they want to come home with you? Is your MIL going to act all hurt and try to guilt trip them into staying? Are you then going to force them to stay? At that point your children are going to feel bad whatever they decide. Your children should not be used as items in a tug-of-war.

You do need to address this calmly and objectively now.

Speak to your MIL and make it clear that you overheard her conversation with the children earlier, that you are annoyed with her for going behind your back and undermining you when you specifically asked her to let you speak to the children. Advise your MIL that you are going to speak to the children and if they want to stay but change their minds when you and dh are ready to leave then she is not to say anything to make the children feel they are in the wrong or that they have upset her.

Speak to your children and let them know that you heard what MIL said to them and that even if they decide to stay and change their minds once you are ready to go that that is okay. Reassure them that no-one will be hurt or upset with them whatever they decide.

In which case, for purely practical reasons I'd say no. If MIL protests that you were going to ask them, say "Yes, but then we thought about it and realised what a massive pain that is."

Of course, that won't resolve the underlying issue, but in the short-term it gives you an irrefutable no.

I reckon you just say that it's not convenient in that case. "Sorry, MIL, DP and I have decided that it will be a waste of the bank holiday to just spend it driving back and forth. Perhaps another time if it's planned in advance."

If you like, you can make up some plans for the family you have for Monday but you don't really have to. Then brace yourself for her sadface sulking and wave goodbye.

Tbh, if the kids staying on an extra day just means you'll be driving to and fro all holiday weekend, I wouldn't even have entertained the idea in the first place. But while refusing to do that gives you an easy out today, something of this nature will undoubtedly happen again. If you don't want MIL to be living out her matriarch fantasy at the expense of your children's self-esteem, I'd start laying down your ground rules now, OP.

Well that's just nuts. I'd wait until they're older so they can stay 2/3 or check into a hotel for a night next time you go up. But all this needs to be prearranged. I thought you meant for more than a night!!

I too thought you meant for a few days for one extra night the whole thing is just an exercise in futility.

Tell MIL calmly and clearly that it is not convenient or practical for the children to stay extra this time but you will organise something for the next visit.

Yes, that is nuts. It should have been a straight thank you for offering but it won't work logistically.

No chance would I allow this. I had a similar MIL and it really made me resent her. Mind you she doesn't give a shit these days and I definitely prefer it that way.

YANBU. This would really piss me off as well.

I think you should ask the children yourself, away from MIL, and see how they really feel about it - tell them that you are happy to take them home if that's what they want, or they can stay if that's what they would prefer to do. Make it very clear to them that it is THEIR choice and that NO ONE will mind if they choose to go home. Then all together tell MIL what they have decided.

I despise the use of this kind of manipulation on small children. It makes me squirm - if they don't want to stay, then they shouldn't be made to stay if they're not comfortable! And if the parents let it happen, then I know if it were me, I'd feel very let down. :(

Hope you're able to stand firm with your DH against your MIL. Sounds like she's extremely used to getting her own way, either by fair means or foul, and she's not going to be happy with being flouted.

Sorry but you and your oh need to be adults and stand up to this manipulative woman. Creeping around on egg shells in case she is 'upset' is not on.

You need to show your kids that pressurising someone to do what they want by bribery, manipulation and threatening to throw a strop if they dont get their own way is not how things work.

Your oh needs to grow up and realise he is your partner, a father and not a little boy any more and his mum doesnt come first in everything, she will rule the roost forever if you dont make a stand now, sod the tantrums, sod 'all hell breaking loose' its her hell not yours, just leave nobody can force you to stay and witness her childishness.

Driving for hours today and then twice again tomorrow doesnt work for you no further expaination necessary.

I do wish dh would stand up to her. She's always had her own way and I've stood up to her in the past but it caused awful problems. I will never forget this. If she says anything later as we get ready to go I will definitely say something as I've spent all day so far stewing over it.

What exactly did she say?

It sounds like you're not in her fan club regardless, because if MIL says 'let's do this' you retort 'actually we could do that' DH will go with MIL's suggestion.

In the spirit of Easter Sunday, none of you have ever tried to reason with DC. None of you have ever wanted a certain outcome so put it to DC, 'If you do this...' It sounds pretty two faced, when I can't think of a parent who hasn't tried to get their DC to their way of thinking. Even if it's if you misbehave again 'x' will happen.

So let's get this straight OP doesn't want the kids to stay over, she'd rather they be glued to electronics at home. Issue sorted. All this calling MIL manipulative is laughable when most if not all parents incentivise certain things.