To think this is really underhand of MIL?

[Realitea]

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

Also losing your shit isn't going to be conducive to anything positive, after you've lost you're shit, you'll be here posting DH & I had a huge row over the way I spoke to MIL. Or I lost my shit so MIL had the cheek to tell me a few home truths.

You haven't said, I think it was near the top, where someone asked if it was your own Mum it'd be any different. Or is it solely because you think DH is a soft touch with his Mum? In which case him being in the middle of both of you must be delightful.

I don't know how old you are, but I learnt fairly quickly that waging a war because I didn't agree with the in laws doesn't go down well with any partner / husband.

waging a war because I didn't agree with the in laws doesn't go down well with any partner / husband.

Spot on FairyBS, OP needs to know her place.

Why does it matter how old the OP is? Are your parenting choices and opinions invalid before you reach a certain age?

Really odd post Fairytales.

Op - I had a similar situation when I was a child. My grandmother was incredibly manipulative, and I was always being pressured by her to stay when I didn't want to. It's very hard for a child to hold out against that sort of emotional pressure. I ended up feeling quite resentful of my dps because they knew what she was like, but didn't stand up for me. (I think my father was incapable of saying no to his mother, and my dm was always struggling with the family dynamic).

Put your dc first.

At one end of the spectrum you have a situation where Grandparent offers to have kids for extra night. Grandparent would love it, parents thankful for the break. Kids slightly unsure so there's a bit of persuassion going on but everyone knows the kids will be fine.

At the other end you have someone who has decided they want the kids for a night on their own. They don't really care if it suits the parents or puts them out loads, they give a plausible reason about giving the parents some time off. Behind the parents back they go to the children and put emotional pressure on until they agree. They will try different methods until they get what they want. Again, the kids will probably be fine.

Then there's a whole lot of inbetween situations and this is probably one of them.

It's a situation that shouldn't have happened and the idea dismissed straight away. Thanks MIL that's a kind thought but we'd have to travel back 2 hours, then have at least 4 hours in the car tomorrow what with the bank holiday traffic to contend with. Maybe later in the year we could all come up and we'll book a nice hotel for a night. Would you mind babysitting like that? Oh gosh thanks.

Dh decided to ask dc's in front of everyone what they wanted to do. Dcs said they don't know and then after thinking for a minute said they'll stay and get a lift back tomorrow. I said very clearly 'as long as they decide what they want it's fine but it's their decision'
So I kind of got my point in there without anything kicking off. Not sure if mil is aware I heard her this morning or not but she agreed with me! How sneaky!
If my mother had done this I would've been just as annoyed as I believe the dcs shouldnt be manipulated by anyone. It's not just a mil thing.
I don't know what age has to do with it but I'm no spring chicken.

I think you should speak to MiL tell her that you overheard the conversation and you feel that it was very unfair to put children in that position who love her and are eager to please. Tell her you want her to apologise to DCs for putting pressure on them and to promise you that it will never happen again. It doesn't have to be war, just a very calm but assertive conversation. Then go and speak to your DCs and tell them it is entirely their decision and no one will pressure them either way, whatever they decide is absolutely fine and whatever 'treat' they were promised for staying, they will get regardless of what they decide. I think you need to have a chat with your DH in general though, he should be supporting you with these things or discussing with you in private if he doesn't agree.

Dh decided to ask dc's in front of everyone what they wanted to do

So he got in on the social pressure/manipulation too?? Why not just have your and DH stand at one end of the room and MIL at the other, then call the children and see who they come to?

So I kind of got my point in there

Umm, I'm not really sure that you did. If your point is "I'm not happy with you manipulating my children with emotional blackmail" then I don't think that you agreeing that the kids have made a free and fair decision which reflects their wishes (which is essentially what you did) gets that across.

If I was you, I'd be extremely pissed off at your DH for colluding with you MIL and making sure that he was the one doing the driving by himself tomorrow.

Not sure you got your point in there at all, tbh. But if you're happy with how well you asserted yourself, who are we to disagree?

I do wish dh would stand up to her.

I would give that one up right now, if I were you. MN is full of tales of womem wishing their DH would stand up to their MIL is situations far more extreme than this. Any man who has been trained from birth to kowtow to his mother for fear of tears, tantrums and other forms of emotional blackmail doesn't learn differently overnight. I think you should probably learn to do it yourself, not least as you can probably see it for what it is more clearly than he can.

Over and out.

So now you know you can't trust her about something previously agreed. What else will she break your trust on whilst looking after them? Don't know that I could leave my DC with someone I don't trust.
I also think she should know her manipulative whisperings were overheard. And that's your DH job.
She has seen her grandchildren over Easter. Her expectations of you to-ing and fro-ing in bank holiday weekend traffic to fulfill her wants is utterly selfish too. When is your down time?

What a pushover.

I can't believe you're going along with this.
I'd refuse on the simple grounds that it buggers up all tomorrow when you've got to go all the way back to collect them.

Just say no, ffs.

I'm pretty sure dh won't be making it clear that she was overheard this morning. He never likes to upset her. I'm seen as the one making trouble when I bring up things like this because it's easier for him to blame me than see it any other way. We've been to counselling over this before and have nearly separated. It's a very long standing problem.
I should've said something when I heard it this morning. I'm kicking myself now.

I said very clearly 'as long as they decide what they want it's fine but it's their decision'
So I kind of got my point in there without anything kicking off.

She won't have "got" your point at all. Far too subtle, and even if she did, she quite clearly couldn't give a stuff. She's got her own way and you've let her.

You've been walked all over.

You gave a clear boundary, your MIL ignored it and emotionally manipulated your children behind your back, and you and your spineless DP just went along with it, with the added bonus of a 4 hour round-trip you didn't want to make.

Sorry OP.

The dcs are being driven back now but I get your point. Dh is totally spineless. And I am too as I didn't stand up to her either. I've been conditioned this way because every time I stand up to something that's wrong, I'm made out to be the massive problem and I'm fed up of the massive arguments

I've had similar in a wider family context. Family member shouts and forcefully insists that everyone go along with what he wants. I'm the only one who refuses.

We're now at a point where he knows I won't be bullied, so he just refuses to speak to me (to the extent of offering everyone else a cup of tea at family gatherings by name, one by one, and pointedly skipping me).

I don't need people like that in my life and have now gone from being upset to being emotionally disengaged. Still see each other at family things and the family mostly go along with him for an easy life so sometimes I'm excluded, but I can't be doing with it anymore TBH.

Do you mean you, DH and the kids are now all going home and not staying with MIL? Or is someone else driving them home tomorrow?

I think your DH wants an easy life, and upsetting you is easier than upsetting MIL. You need to make it clear that as his wife you're his priority, but it's hard to do, especially after a lifetime of conditioning.

well then op looks like u have a dh problem

its an ongoing issue an counselling hasnt helped

he completly underminded your wishes on how to approach it

These mil threads always turn hysterical and it's always the mil who is clearly a manipulative woman who is trying to be controlling and the weak husband who refuses/is unable to stand up to her while the poor helpless DIL who has done nothing wrong just has to look on in exasperation that she ended up in this situation.

So the children's grandmother asked if they'd like to stay on their own for an extra night. They initially said no and then she told them about the things they could do for an extra day and they agreed that actually, it might be fun after all. And that is apparently underhand/sneaky/going behind the back of the poor helpless DIL who had said that she should be the one who asks the children.

IMO it's far more likely that the OP actually would rather her children didn't have a relationship with her mil independently of her, and she wanted to ask them herself because she wanted to encourage them not to want to go. After all, if the DH asks then he's refused to stand up to the MIL. If the MIL asks she's been underhand. Only the DIL can be the one who asks and gets the right answer from her children.

If it was inconvenient the OP should just have said no, rather than turning it into this drama.

I don't believe the vast majority of these threads are nearly as one-sided as the OP's want us to believe. But because they're about MIL's the OP already has the upper hand in MN terms.

But the plan was DH was to do the asking too. "WE were planning on asking them", plural, OP and her DH together not OP alone.

Someone else is driving them back. You've got it spot on there Sorka. I've said I should be priority before during counselling and it's fallen on deaf ears I think. Standing up to mil terrifies him. She controls him even now he's an adult and it's horrible to watch.

It seems you really don't like your mil very much. I think you've made a mountain out of a molehill here.

I'm sure the DC and your mil would have really enjoyed an extra day together.

My DC don't live in the same country as their one remaining grandparent, we'd all give anything to see them enjoying some time with their granny.
Threads like this make me really sad, because people don't seem to appreciate the family they have.

He never likes to upset her. I'm seen as the one making trouble when I bring up things like this because it's easier for him to blame me than see it any other way. We've been to counselling over this before and have nearly separated. It's a very long standing problem.

It's not the MN way, but I always feel quite sorry for the sons of narcissistic MILs. People always say 'you haven't got a MIL problem, you've got a DH problem', which is true, of course. But when you see the warp speed at which your DCs internalised your MIL's desires and then re-presented them as their own, I think that's a very vivid illustration of how difficult it is for adult men who have been very effectively conditioned throughout their own childhood to suddenly rethink how they characterise their mother's behaviour.

If you can see her behaviour for what it is, OP, you owe it to your family to grow a bit of a spine about this, however much you end up having to be the bad guy as a result, and however much you feel it 'should' be your DH doing the heavy lifting. It's all very well not to rock the boat in situations where it's only you, the DIL, who are getting the muddy end of the stick, but now that your children are being affected, surely it makes it easier to do what's necessary?

Oh Realitea. I think there's more work to be done on this, but I'm sure you know that. Best of luck figuring it out. It's easy to sit here and post a few words. It's much harder to actually bring down the axe in real life when lots of people's feelings are involved.