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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really underhand of MIL?

501 replies

Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:46

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 16/04/2017 16:52

Make sure this is the last time your MIL makes you feel like a child and your dh is a wet dishrag.

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 16:53

I assume mil was saying about all the fun things planned but it was being whispered in to their ears so impossible to tell what was said. I did hear 'we'll be sad if you don't' which I found quite mean.
I have no problem with mil having a relationship with them independently, i also have no problem with them staying overnight without me. I could do with the break! But it's the fact she agreed we would ask the dcs and let them decide. Mil said there would be no pressure. Then low and behold the whole morning is dedicated to getting dcs to change their mind. That is called lying and it is manipulative. Completely unfair for someone so young to have to deal with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 16:54

I have learned that in future to speak up at the time and if I don't then it's too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 16:59

MrsLupo, yes it does make it easier when it comes to the dc's being effected by mils behaviour but being a wet dish rag aswell as dh it's still not easy enough.
I'm just waiting to go home now it's been an awful stay here. Things have been good for a while with me and dh so it's like a reminder that all this crap is still under the surface.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 17:08

You are going to have to get this under control at some stage and sooner rather than later. As MrsLupo has said, your dcs are internalising how your mil expects them to react. It's bloody hard work to stand up to my mother and sil. Especially my sil because she is such a manipulative bitch and as soon as you say anything she takes the stance of being attacked and my brother buys into her complete crap, which is why she was able to behave so appallingly at my stepdads funeral. I really really do get how hard this is for you. But no way on this earth am I going to let my dd internalise the message my sil gives constantly that her ds is better than my dd.

ohtheholidays · 16/04/2017 17:10

You should never ever allow anyone to manipulate your children!

We'll be sad and the fucking whispering that would have made me walk out there and then with the DC!

If your Husband won't stand upto her you need to for the sake of your children and start standing upto your husband as well,they're the children OP,not you and your husband and it's the children that it's affecting and believe me I know what it's like to have to stand alone for the sake of your DC,I had to do that when I left my abusive ex husband and my abusive parents took his side.I've also faced an abusive MIL.

Because I stood upto them all my DC had a better life and so did I and they all backed down eventually because they saw that the worm had turned and would no longer take any of they're shit!

If you become a parent you make the decision to grow a back bone when it comes to doing whats right for your DC!

IfyousaysoKT123 · 16/04/2017 17:28

Do you have a guarantee that this lift will materialise tomorrow, or will it suddenly be easier to make it the next day...children given no choice, or worse till pressurised to stay longer as soon as you drive away... Impossible situation because a son won't stand up to his mother.

trussstinmeee · 16/04/2017 17:40

OP, why is it that you seem to have had no input at all into this? MIL is self-centred, DH is ineffectual, so no one has your back but you.

More than just speaking up you should be pre-empting this shenanigans IMO.

Willow2017 · 16/04/2017 17:42

Your mum didn't get your point at all cos she got her way. Her guilt tripping of your kids worked. Now they are part of her manipulating everyone to do what she wants.

If you dont want your kids growing up to scared to speak up for themselves like their dad then you have to step up now and be the bad guy
It's not her place to control your kids they have a right to do what they want.

I agree there might be a problem getting them back tomorrow so they may have to spend another day there for her to work her magic in them like she did your dh.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life coming second best to his mother and having her influence your kids in the same way?

Willow2017 · 16/04/2017 17:43

Mil not mum.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 · 16/04/2017 17:49

Could you not offer to stay the extra night and let them have time together while you and dh go out for a meal/ to the pub. Then go home early in the morning.

All the manipulation aside a night out might actually be a break for you!

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 18:22

AgainstTheOdds. Not a bad idea. Then mil doesn't get to "win". Because winning will be important to her unfortunately.

YNK · 16/04/2017 18:30

I think your MIL has no idea this is not what you meat by 'letting the children decide for themselves' and obviously some PP's think it's ok too.
I don't think she has ever been challenged about this behaviour, given that she barely even hid it from you.

Now you know this is what she's like make it clear to her that you (and their dad) make the decisions about what happens in your family and be careful not to put your kids in this position again.

This would really infuriate me but it's not your job to change her behaviour, just to protect your kids from it.

niccyb · 16/04/2017 18:41

I would let your children stay. It might do both some bonding time. You can always pick them up earlier than agreed if necessary. It's good that the grandparents are happy to have them overnight. Some families haven't got that luxury.
If you kick of about this, they may be reluctant if you ever want them to have the DC again. For instance, what about if you and your DH ever fancied a weekend away

YNK · 16/04/2017 18:48

I wouldn't ever let my kids stay on their own with someone who intends to coerce them to do what she wants like this.
Never!
My children are too important to me to expose them to this.

As far as I'm concerned, she has blown it big time and would never be allowed in a position to pull this stunt again!

PennyDreadfull · 16/04/2017 19:08

YNK beat me to it. I wouldn't be letting my kids stay overnight with a manipulative person like this. No way.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 19:15

I do agree with this as well YNK. I didn't let dd stay with my mother until she was able to speak up for herself. I'd never let dd stay with sil.

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 19:53

I've had an awful trip back, in tears now. As we were going, the youngest came over to say goodbye and as soon as she was near, mil was standing over us hurrying dc up. Dc started getting upset saying they didn't know what they wanted to do and I started to feel upset by now! Mil was obviously getting tense and started actually taking the youngest's hand and saying 'goodbye mummy'.
It was quite obvious mil knew there was a chance the dcs would change their mind and she was having none of it. Dh was shouting at me to get in the car as there was traffic building up outside where he was waiting. I just left absolutely gutted.
Me and dh had a row all the way back. He admits mil was wrong to try to sway the decision but ultimately sticks up for her saying at least she wants to spend time with them and how much of an effort mil makes whereas my parents don't. He said they would've agreed to go without mils input and they're headstrong enough to choose even with mils pressure.
I just feel awful now. My poor dc's. I know they'll have a good time but it was just like a tug of war!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 19:55

It's only one night. They'll be fine Flowers

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 19:55

Realitea I know it's not much but an unMN for you, and I hope you get to figure this all out.

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 20:03

Thank you. It's nice to know I have you guys!

OP posts:
Astro55 · 16/04/2017 20:13

Well its not great behaviour but she obviously really wants them to stay

So she get to chose? Not OP or the kids??

OP I'm sorry you have a shot DH - what was his feelings on the whole thing? How's he been dive you got home??

I would've lost the plot as well - and I wouldn't be taking them to stay for a long time either - your DM grand parenting skills have nothing to do with this situation AT ALL

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 20:17

I take it that should say 'shit Dh' and yes you're right. Can't see my point at all. Would rather stay brainwashed by his mother than admit he has to stand up to her. What she wants she gets no matter who gets upset.
I'm just thinking now what the best way to deal with this might be.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 20:20

It is hard for him. It is really scary to stand up to a parent like this. At least now you're bringing her behaviour to his awareness. That's one step closer to him acting to help resolve this.

YNK · 16/04/2017 20:27

Well now you know the measure of them, I hope you talk to the kids when they get home and allow them to 'debrief' their experience.

They will have formed a view of all the adult tension around them and it will have left them confused about what's required of them and they will need some reassurance they won't be made to choose again.
I think they will be happy to hear that you will make the decisions for them in future and of course you will take their views into account.

How bloody awful for you OP, and how awful for your poor kids.